Monday, 18 October 2010
By Marcia Mayo who blogs at Well Aged With Some Marbling
I’ve turned into my mother - and my grandmother and my Aunt Susie and my Aunt Annabelle and, most likely, Aunt Bee and Auntie Em and Granny Clampett and Mrs. Methuselah and every other old woman in the history of the world.
This realization came to me the other day when a friend asked if I had my bottle of Windsor Canadian in my pocket book. I'm proud to say I did not, but the fact he asked gave me pause.
At that point it did hit me that, yes, I do bring a small bottle of Windsor Canadian to social gatherings from time to time – just as my mother did. And yes, I do wrap up desserts to take home to eat after my early bird dinner. And yes, I do plan my travels to coincide with right turns only.
And then there’s the going to bed by eight and the getting up before the sun, even on weekends and holidays.
But what I realize now, but failed to realize when I was just a young and silly person before I had the wisdom not only of my age but of the ages of all who came before me, is that old ladies have good REASONS for their peculiarities.
And those reasons include, but aren't limited to, the following:
- Young people mutter into the phone, making it difficult to understand what they are saying.
- Styles don't really change all that much in 20 years and a good pair of shoulder pads do, indeed, make you look slimmer.
- Left turns cause accidents.
- Beverages at most parties aren’t of the same quality as a mid-priced Canadian blend.
- Restaurants are kept too cold.
- Waist bands are highly over-rated but wide belts help to hold your boobs up.
- Desserts are best when eaten while watching House Hunters International in your pajamas.
- Eyeliner helps to hide the bags over and under your eyes; however, an eyebrow pencil offers the added advantage of making you look surprised that you are still alive.
- People do drive entirely too fast. Twenty-five mile an hour speed limits are posted for a reason.
- The left lane on an interstate is the best lane despite the honking by people not observing #9.
- Getting up early keeps you from having to commune with young people for the first few hours of any given day.
- If you were lucky enough to happen upon a good hairstyle at 18, there’s no reason not to keep it for the rest of your life.
- You really only need two outfits, one to wear and one to swear you are washing. Dark knits work best for hiding stains, but large patterns and sequins are more festive.
- People really are interested in pictures of and cute stories about your grandchildren.
- Plastic baggies can be effectively washed out and re-used.
- Noxema cures most any ailment on all parts of your body.
- Restaurants should offer smaller portions for early bird diners; however, drink sizes should be the same or bigger.
- 81 percent of murders and 96 perecent of purse snatchings happen after 8PM so it's best to just go ahead and go to bed early.
- If you don't know a statistic, it's okay to make one up if it proves your point.
- Things really were better forty years ago.
It all makes sense now. I'm glad I figured it out. Excuse me while I go find that cookie in the bottom of my pocket book. It'll go great with my highball.
[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Instructions for submitting are here.]