Wednesday, 15 August 2012
The Elder Invisible Thing
By Linda Carmi
Yes, it exists! It is a very real phenomenon that seems to occur with the arrival of gray hair.
I live in an active retirement community with lots of gray haired people so I don’t see so much overt dismissal secondary to elderhood as out in the other world. “Out there” it seems to be accepted as the norm.
I find it particularly noticeable in doctors' offices. I recall the staff in my husband’s doctor’s office would routinely defer to me for answers. It became more noticeable when I was pushing my husband in his wheelchair. Even his doctor of many years would look to me for information that whooshed us through the precious few minutes we had with him.
I do not believe their behavior was intentionally disrespectful but rather the need to for expediency. Nevertheless, I could sense that my husband would sometimes feel invisible and helpless and unimportant.
To be fair, my husband had severe hearing loss and suffered Alzheimer’s disease in later years so it was just the sensible thing to do for me to do most of the talking.
I can only think of those elders that do not have someone to advocate for them in these situations. How many times does the exchange of important information get lost or misunderstood for those without someone to be there with them.
I always made sure that my husband, the doctor and I were seated close to one another while we discussed matters at hand. It was important to me that he felt part of the discussion even if he could not hear so well. I wanted to see acknowledgment and eye contact between doctor, staff and my husband. I did not want him to be excluded. I would turn to him and explain that I was going to be talking to Dr. Kind&Caring about (whatever the issue was that time).
He sometimes would speak up and ramble a bit with a story and I recall that this particular doctor would always listen and offer acknowledgment to my husband.
I made a point to turn to my husband during these visits to tell him, “It is very important for us to know how to do the best for you at home with (your blood pressure, or whatever the issue was). Dr. K&C knows how important you are and he cares very much about you.” (Depending on which doctor, it was true.)
It made a significant difference in allowing my husband to feel safe and to know that he was important.
I remember always after each visit with Dr. K&C, I would ask him how he felt about his “report.” His answer was usually something like, “I know he takes good care of me, and you do too.” He would then go on to say something like, “You know how long I have been coming to him? I know all of his girls for this many years.”
Now that my husband is no longer with me, my observations of the “invisible thing” among elders at large have become more keen. It makes me feel sad and frustrated.
As an elder in training, it pains me to see blank resignation or frustration on the face of a mature person waiting in line to be served or struggling to reach the crosswalk button from a wheelchair or with a cane.
Most times the younger people nearby dart ahead to reach a destination that will still be there in the next couple of minutes, but their lives are in such high gear, I suppose they just don’t realize the meaning of a kind word and smile or a gesture to help.
Of course, that is not always the case, and it gives me a real pleasure to observe a kindness to an elder.
Elders have much to offer and I am fortunate to live in a community where I can see that every day. When limitations caused by health challenges or other factors become an issue and speed of movement or thought is not what it once was, all is not lost. To connect with a smile or a touch to the shoulder goes a long way.
We are all elders in training, the same body, mind and spirit issues will likely touch us all somewhere along the way, each and every one. I must have borrowed the term from somewhere, but I like it very much.
Just my thoughts. I had to share.
[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]
Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post
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When my mother was about 90-years-old my father, my husband and I were with her at a doctor's appointment where the doctor was talking around her.
Suddenly my mother, in an annoyed tone, said, "Hey, I'm here you know!"
Maybe that's a phrase we should all remember.
Posted by: SusanG | Wednesday, 15 August 2012 at 06:50 AM
Your story rings many a bell about times where a smile or a gesture might have helped someone. In the future I will try harder to remember those who are left out for one reason or another.
Posted by: Johna Ferguson | Wednesday, 15 August 2012 at 08:09 AM
I can certainly relate to your story, Linda. After a couple of times, when I went into the doctor's office with my husband and seeing the doctor wasn't paying attention to him, I decided to set out in the waiting room to see what would happen. It wasn't long before I was called into his office.
With another annoying fact that the doctor never took his vital signs, we walked out and never came back. This doctor was suppose to be an expert in Parkinson's disease.
Posted by: Mary Hertslet | Wednesday, 15 August 2012 at 08:43 AM
Doctors and others can be so insensitive and condescending. A former co-worker told me about his mother who'd been hospitalized after a heart attack. A nurse came in, speaking in a very loud and condescending matter. His mother said, "I've had a heart attack. It didn't affect my hearing or my ability to understand."
You'd think health-care providers would be more sensitive.
Posted by: Madeleine Kolb | Wednesday, 15 August 2012 at 11:06 AM
It's a good thing, to be reminded. Be kind, we are all old, or will be soon.
Posted by: Marcy B. | Wednesday, 15 August 2012 at 11:47 AM
I think part of the problem is youngsters never have been old and can't relate to how an older person feels. We youngsters (at 50-80) have a tendency to judge elders based on driving skills as well as how fast they work. We see people slowing up both on the highway and when working, we see them not remembering correctly and we assume someone more "with it" has to be there for the doctors to deal with. It is sad, and you are great for reminding us. Thanks for sharing this.
Posted by: wearmanyhats | Thursday, 16 August 2012 at 11:59 AM
As an ex-nurse, I write my health report from my last doctor's visit to the current one and give it to my doctor when I visit him. If I am taking an antibiotic, for instance, I write down when I started it and when I finished it. This prevents his having to look it up. The doctor seems to appreciate this. It also enables me to write down everyhing I wish to discuss with the doctor.
( Patients seem to forget when they go to the doctor's office. ) Perhaps this would help senior patients and /or their care-givers.
Posted by: Jackie Harrison | Thursday, 16 August 2012 at 05:45 PM
This story reflects attitudes towards elders so well. Particularly in the medical profession sadly. I am currently assisting my husband to deal with the onset of Lewy Body Dementia ( LBD). It is similar to Parkinsons Disease but the cognitive symptoms present first, followed by the physical signs. So Rex is losing his speech, memory, reading , writing and problem solving skills.Like you Linda I too try to involve him with his appointments as much as possible. The doctors ask him a question and because he is slow to reply they then ignore him and look to me for a quick answer. I deliberately make them wait for Rex to to give his own answer first. If it needs interpretation I do that.Thank you Linda for introducing this topic and also to all who have responded in support.Elders need to be empowered to have a voice.Thankyou ATB for giving us the medium to do so.
Posted by: stroppy | Saturday, 25 August 2012 at 04:32 PM
Excellent point! I always strongly intervene with patients and family members I serve, or staff I train to include the individual who is being served -- the patient.
With my own mother and others I may be with when someone turns to me for an answer and I know the person being talked about is competent to respond, I always defer by gesturing toward them and saying to the questioner, "Why don't you ask ....(whoever it is.)
Even if the individual has some difficulties I generally am able to include them in the conversation. It's insulting to anyone, often children, too, to have others talking about them as though they weren't even present.
Posted by: Joared | Saturday, 25 August 2012 at 08:24 PM