Wednesday, 09 October 2013
The No Frills Airlines (satire)
By Mickey Rogers of This, That and the Other
Against my better judgment, I decided to save a few bucks by flying on No Frills Airlines. The flight from New York City to San Francisco was almost $300 cheaper than that offered by any other airline. That was the good news. The bad news was that usually you get what you pay for.
As I stood in line at the ticket counter, the person in front had a request: “I would like you to send my blue suitcase to Los Angeles and my red one to Miami.”
“Sir, we couldn’t do that,” replied the airline representative.
“Why not?” asked the customer. “You did it on my trip to Dallas last year.”
“Do you have reservations?” asked the young lady at the desk.
“Of course I have reservations,” said the next customer, “ but I’ve gone through half a pint of whiskey to get up enough courage.”
Oddly, although it was the middle of June, there was mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter. I inquired.
“That’s so you can kiss your luggage goodbye,” was the agent’s reply.
Once all were aboard, a stewardess began speaking through a megaphone so that she could be heard. She said: “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”
Then the second stewardess took over: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but notice that there are only four ways to leave this airplane.
“Smoking in the restrooms is prohibited. Any person caught smoking will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Simply grab your mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your own mask before assisting the little one. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
The youngest pilot was at least 95 years old. One of them commented: “It’s windy today, isn’t it?”
The second one replied, “No, I think it’s Thursday.”
Then the third one spoke up: “I’m thirsty, too. Let’s have a beer before we try to fly this old tub.”
Once in the air, one of the pilots spoke to the passengers: “No Frills Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight.”
After about an hour into the flight, a stewardess asked each passenger in first class if he or she would like the deluxe meal. Ravished, I answered in the affirmative. About ten minutes later I was handed a boloney sandwich, a bag of potato chips and a bottle of pop. “This is the deluxe meal?” I asked.
“It sure is, bub,” said the flight attendant closest to me. “You can count yourself lucky not to be in coach. Those folks can choose either bread and water or gruel.”
“Bread and water or gruel?” I asked. “That’s awful.”
“They’re getting the same accommodations that the folks in steerage got on the Titanic. You get what you pay for.”
One nervous lady spoke to a flight attendant: “The pilot will bring me down safely, won’t he?”
The stewardess answered: “He hasn’t left anybody up here yet.”
Eventually we were ready to land in San Francisco. To say that we had a rough landing is an understatement. Despite being roped to our seats (remember, this was a no frills airline) we bounced around like ten pins. One poor lady ended up 15 feet from her assigned seat.
Then the head flight attendant spoke: “The next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at No Frills Airlines. Thank you for giving us the business while we took you for a ride.”
As we departed, the three pilots stood at the exit to say goodbye. I heard one of them say, “That was the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on.”
The second pilot replied: “Yeah, but it was also the widest.”
The passengers pushed and shoved one another in an effort to quickly exit. The head attendant had announced that the last person off had to stay and clean the plane.
After three wonderful days in San Francisco I had a safe and serene trip home. I took a train.
[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]