The Shame of Getting Old

Over at Alternet, Barbara Ehrenreich has been writing about unemployment, specifically, that “Shame hangs heavy over the economic landscape:” says Ehrenreich,

“…the shame of the newly laid-off, the shame of the chronically poor…

“In case anyone fails to feel their full measure of shame over unemployment,” she continues, “there is an entire shame industry to whip them into shape: the career coaches, self-help books, motivational speakers, and business gurus who preach that whatever happens to you must be a result of your own attitude.

“Laid-off and coming up empty on your job search? You must be too negative, and hence attracting negative circumstances into your life. To paraphrase one career coach I encountered during my research for [the book] Bait and Switch: We're not here to talk about the economy or the market; we're here to talk about you.”

alternet.org, 27 October 2006

In other words, hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of jobs have been eliminated in the U.S. or sent overseas in the past few years, but it’s your fault, you whining loser, if you’re not working.

As I read Ms. Ehrenreich’s excellent story, I realized that it could be applied equally to getting old. Why else are we assaulted 24/7 with advertisements for plastic surgery, cosmetic procedures, anti-aging potions, hair coloring products, extreme sports for “active adults” and books on hot sex after 60 than to shame us?

And there are tens of thousands of members of the youth and beauty police ready, like Ehrenreich’s employment shame industry, to “whip us into shape” – that is, turn us into grotesque facsimiles of 30-year-old shape.

Getting old is still the ultimate sin. The baby boomers, long predicted to change prevailing attitudes toward aging as they get older, haven’t even dented ageist behavior - hence, the phenomenal growth of plastic surgery at youngr and younger ages. Half the boomers are already older than 50, but the shaming persists, sometimes by boomers themselves who resist aging with all the shaming products and services at their disposal.

“Shame is a potent weapon,” notes Ms. Ehrenreich in regard to the unemployed, “but it should never be used against the already-injured and aggrieved. Instead, let's turn it against the aggrievers.”

I’d like to alter that slightly for elders who are shamed at every turn: It should never be used against normal human development - in this case, aging. To further paraphrase Ms. Ehrenreich:

Instead, let's turn it against the youth and beauty police:

• Shame magazines for featuring only 20-something models, or older models who have been plastic surger-ied until their ears meet behind their heads.
• Shame pharmaceutical companies for telling us in their commercials that their over-the-counter products, rather than relieving pain, will make us “feel ten years younger”.
• Shame hair color manufacturers for advertising products to cover gray rather than creating products that remove, or cover with gray, the yellow that develops in gray hair.
• Shame clothing designers for refusing to make attractive clothes to fit older bodies.
• Shame the physicians who treat elders’ ailments less aggressively - and sometimes not at all - than those of younger people.

The rest of us can wear our age, including the natural wrinkles, sags, bags and slowing down that come naturally as the years accumulate, with dignity.

Comments

[Claude]

Excellent post, Ronni. Thanks

[Mizmell]

There's No Shame in Their Game!

(Your post today makes me think of a phrase my daughters--in their 20s--often use).

[Cathy]

Very well said - we need to embrace our age and walk proudly!

[endment]

I didn't have too much frustration with people talking to me about being old - my hair is white and my wrinkles show --- but the other day - a physician told my 40 year old daughter that her pain was just because she was getting old...
I suspect (based on family longevity) that I may have at least another twenty or so years to find ways to care for my body - but my daughter probably has 45 years left (longer than she has so far lived)
I am tired of blaming things on our age (or lack of age)
----end of rant---
thanks for listening

[Chancy]

Good post Ronni.

I wonder if there will eventually be a backlash against all these products and the advertisers who inflict them constantly on the general public.

My heavens, as Endment said, when an MD tells a 40 year old her problem is due to her age, and the advertisers try and convince us that over 30 is over the hill, something is sadly amiss.

[Rain]

Good post and comments. I agree.

[Cop Car]

No, I don't believe that anyone is out to shame me for being old. They are out to pry bucks out of my fingers. If there were no money in the products/publications listed, they wouldn't be offered for sale. Likewise, someone must be encouraging the things sold by youth culture. People don't stay in business by offering goods/services that no one will pay for.

[janet]

opps! I meant to say slide off my`head, of coarse you all knew that.

What I should be buying is something to help my brain function better. :)

[janet]

I agree with cop car. It has more to do with taking advantage of the vainess in some of us that cause some to buy into the crap.

My motto:
What you see is what you get!

They won't get a dime out of me unless my face starts to slid off my head. *G*

[Naomi Dagen Bloom]

yes, twice over to cop car. it's about taking our money. also about advertisers need to identify a "problem" that their product can "solve."

so, ronni, what's your outfit for halloween?

[susan]

The sad truth is that for many elder Americans, age is synonymous with unemployable, so there's a double whammy at work on the psyche.

[notdotdot]

Car cop - Yep, right you are.
Thanks Ronnie. Excellent.
However, I'm not going to think about it! We're waiting for our grandkids to come trick or treating. Better to think about them!

[joared]

Shame "...should never be used against normal human development - in this case, aging," as you pointed out, Ronni.

I certainly endorse turning it back against those who, as Cop Car has said, "...are out to pry bucks out of my fingers."

So many good points made here by others, too. I can only hope more and more of us send our message via the language the exploiters understand -- we simply don't buy the products, the publications, etc. Nor do we consult with those whose view is to blame the individual, for the forces beyond their control, that have brought about their job loss.

[sereneambition]

This is GREAT insight into my whole mission and why I started blogging a couple of months ago. We are trapped in a culture of "age=decline" and we treat age as if it is an individual condition. Its sort of like treating sick fish without noticing the pond is polluted. The 'shame' isn't personal, it is the message of the culture designed for its own persistence. If people didn't 'feel bad' they might actually change something.

My focus is on how do we create a culture of "age=possibility". We won't make a difference by resisting, in fact we will get more of what we resist. What we can do is keep expanding our conversation and our commitments to what we are FOR and embrace age and the future as the most interesting and exciting time in our lives. Today a friend of mine, Elizabeth Russell, writes of her experience in a 'home' and her strategies for 'staying alive' and not getting sucked into the stereotype and expectations of being 'old'. Good work Crabby.

[Melinda]

Thanks Ronni, well said. I'm so tired and bored with the media's ageism - it has ingrained the thought that "aging is awful" and something that has to be avoided at all costs. If you are just trying to "age gracefully" (and naturally), you're made to feel something is wrong with you! Actually, the media's ageism is a subversive way to make money on cultivating shame!

[Darlene]

I think sereneambition hit on the operative word, "culture". Our culture worships physical beauty while other cultures have their priorities right. They revere elders for their wisdom and honor them. The physical beauty of youth is fleeting while the beauty of a life well lived is eternal.

[Shae]

Shaming the magazines, pharmaceuticals, clothing designers, hair colour manufacturers, and physicians won't work. Fighting fire with fire only produces more of a disaster...There is nothing 'wrong' with the fire...we need something else to take its place. We need to, as Darlene said, recognize that it is the 'culture' that needs to be changed.

So why not create what it is you want 'growing older' to be, instead of focusing on what you dislike so much?

Speak with your actions...not just your words! Start local, think global. Model what kind of life you want your friends and the next generations to be living into...maybe stop buying hair dyes, those magazines, clothes and drugs you despise.

Talk to your doctor about how you're being treated...and if they won't treat you with respect, find another doctor and tell everyone you know about the one whose practices you don't want to support.

Find and share beauty that is not media-fed with people younger than you...show them there are other definitions of beauty than what they see in the mass media and that growing older is something to be proud of.

[Lisa Dunn]

Ronni, thank you for your post! I can tell you that I do believe times are changing. Diane Keaton was named the L'Oreal spokesperson! We're slow to catch on, but I have hope for us!