Imagining Old Age

Recently, I was alerted by student Tara Rodriguez to an assignment from her journalism professor at North Carolina State University: write about what you think your life will be like when you are old – "old" being anywhere from 60 to 90.

The students were mostly in their early 20s. Six of the essays were selected to be printed in the Raleigh News & Observer. Among the total of 22 essays, four students believe Social Security will not exist by the time they are eligible, and most think they will be living with a spouse surrounded by grandchildren.

Here is what else some of them had to say about their old age:

Naimah Jabali-Nash, 21:

As I look out at the hillside, I can see sun rays beaming on Claude Monet's house down below. It is crowded on this Friday morning as hundreds of visitors from across the world come to catch a glimpse of his gardens.

The year is 2060, and I am 75. When I first visited Giverny in the summer of 2005, my first thought was, "This is where I want to be when I get older." It is my vision of the perfect countryside.

After a lifestyle full of traveling to the most renowned cities across the world, I find solitude in my quaint estate…

No grandchildren running around, just a glass of red wine and the sun beaming on my back as I enjoy another Friday morning on the hillside.

Liz Miller, 22:

Some people dream of grandchildren and retirement at 65. Me, I'd like to die about then, because I'm a weak coward.

Don't get me wrong, I love life and living it, but I want to die when my body still works -- before cataracts prevent me from photographing the world around me, or I have to pause every mile to catch my breath. Before osteoporosis cripples my legs and I can no longer throw a 25kg [55 pounds] backpack on and head off to see the world…

While many people plan their beachside Florida homes at 65, I have my fingers crossed to contract malaria while documenting the remote lives of a rain-forest tribe.

Rich Ivey, 22

When I'm 64, I will have a wife. I will have children. I will have grandchildren. I will, as most people hope of themselves, not become a crotchety old crab. Every other detail is superfluous.

…it's difficult not to long for a devoted companion with which to age gracefully, bringing out each other's best, refusing the imminent defeat of age and possibly renting that cottage in the Isle of Wight every summer…

That is how I would like to imagine life when I'm old, without any mention of medication, hip surgeries, wills, nursing homes or death. We'll see.

Ashley B. Roberts, 23

On cold and gloomy days, I will read to my grandchildren. Or we will drink tea and I will tell them of my adventures as a writer. Eyes will widen when I retell the time I broke my first big story. They will want to know about Paris and Italy. I will talk about the Louvre, but not about my brief and wild romance in Rome. When I am old, I will cherish each day, and relish my past. I will make sure to value both what was then and what is now.

Jenny Otvos, 22:

On the night of my 65th birthday I imagine I'll be sipping red wine with my husband and kids, contemplating retirement and ignoring the wrinkles at the corner of my eyes.

And what of Tara Rodriguez who emailed me about the assignment? Her essay didn't make the cut for the Raleigh newspaper - she thinks the reason is that it's too sappy. I disagree but maybe that's because, except for the husband and leisure, it's an astonishingly close description of my current life.

One day, shortly after I have turned 65, I will awaken in a soft bed to the late morning sunlight striking highlights through my long, grey hair. The space beside me in the bed will be empty, but the smell of espresso in the air will let me know that my husband is just downstairs, reading The New York Times. I will not have to work that day, or ever again.

I will pull on my robe, go to the window and look outside, attempting to gauge the temperature of the bright autumn day by the color of the sky and how cold the window-glass is to the touch. I won’t open it, in case it is cold. The leaves on the big tree in the front yard will have turned but not fallen.

I’ll head to my library to grab a book to read over coffee. My library will be huge, the biggest room in the house, with floor-to-ceiling shelves and a motley arrangement of books. Some of them will be finely bound volumes, and some will be tattered paperbacks that I have been lugging from dwelling to dwelling since college. Some of them I will have edited. At least one, I will have written.

I’ll pause for a minute, looking at a framed photo on my desk: three generations captured in a formal portrait on our large front porch. The youngest of the eight people pictured, my grandson, is a babe in my daughter’s arms. It was taken about a year before. I’ll select a work of fiction that I haven’t read in a while, and head downstairs.

My cats will wind around my ankles in the kitchen, happy to see me awake. My husband will give me a kiss good morning. I’ll fix myself a latte and sit down, the beginning to another leisurely day.

What about you? When you were 20, how did you imagine your life would be at 65 or 70, and how is it different now - or not?

Comments

[endment]

I am wondering if I should actually post my thoughts ---
From the advance years of 66 - I am still imagining what life will be like when I reach old age :)
I can say I do not intend to let "old age" win nor do I sit in a rocking chair (well only now and then) I still get out to take photographs, learn new things about using the computer, write, explore --- My mother used to say – “you are only as old as your thoughts.”
My father-in-law retired at 65, went to Africa spending more than a dozen years building buildings for a nursing school, a medical clinic, a dental clinic and for a leper colony. He toured wild animal parks, climbed mountains...

I may have moment when I qualify as a crotchety old crab - but I finally have time to be crabby about things that matter.

I wouldn't go back to being twenty again for anything in the world!!!!!

[kenju]

I read with great interest and relish all the articles that were in our paper here in Raleigh on this subject. At first, I wanted to write a letter to the editor in answer to the young woman who wrote that she would like to die around the age of 65 (Liz Miller). I decided not to, as I am getting a reputation around here for showing up in the letters to the editor too often. :-)

Having achieved the ripe old age of 66, I have neither cataracts nor osteoporosis and in Oct. I did go off to see the world (albeit not with a 25 lb. backpack...LOL). I wanted to tell her how wrong her vision is, because being 65+ does not automatically mean that you will have to sit in a chair and do nothing. I am still self-employed and I also work part-time in another job. I can keep up with the younger people on the job, even though I am the oldest of the bunch.

My grandchildren give me great joy and keeping up with them helps to keep me young at heart.

I hope that Ms. Rodriguez, whose vision of herself at 65 is more true then most, will tell Ms. Miller to attempt to change her attitude, lest she bring on a "self-fulfilling prophesy".

At present, I am trying to imagine how my life will be at 80 and beyond, and I hope I will still be blogging and as active as I am able to be.

[DreamSinger]

When I was younger, I could not imagine living past 30. It wasn't because I couldn't bear the thought of growing older, I just couldn't imagine lasting that long, to continue to live a life as emotionally flat-line gray as mine.

Coming from a childhood of psychological and sexual abuse, I managed to turn a part of me off to survive. Sometimes, feeling nothing is worse than feeling terror.

But having walked the healing journey over these years and finding my voice, I have, also, found my passion. I can laugh...and I do, deeply and fully, from the depths of my being and with no apologies. I can dream, and I do, and what's more, they are no longer two dimensional fantasy life-lines, but rich, present and ever unfolding realities I am living.

I'm only 51, but in many ways I feel like a newborn.

Every gray in my hair reminds me that I made it. I made it! I look in the mirror and the sight of white strands make me smile.

The thought of getting older is not a sentence. It's a gift I never thought I could receive. Seeing signs of my aging only reminds me how much I am loved. I don't need a name for that love. I only need to know that I am.

Demian,
~DreamSinger

kenju, kenju, write that letter! go on, "show up too often" in the letters to the editor column. we need you to do that; your visibility tells OUR story--not the one that misrepresents us in the media.

reading these letters reflected back to me the success of the drug companies. aging is one damned illness after another waiting for their latest miracle cures. i also was stunned by the narcissism of these young writers. not much about doing good in the world.

sure, i was very self-involved at the same age. but i also carried a sense of responsibility about others. now? imagining life in my 80s is not static--sometimes depends on my body pains, others on state of the union.

[Karen]

I haven't quite reached that age, but I really never thought I would reach 62. My mother died at 57, and I firmly believed I would die before 60.
I am amazed, however, that being 62 is not what I envisioned. I feel younger than I thought I would.
When I was younger, I dreaded aging. I think part of that was because I was a teacher, and in our society, as we all are aware, youth is prized. I thought aging would be a negative attribute for me. The students wouldn't listen to an old woman. Now I am looking forward to the future and aging. I have finally grown up.

[joared]

At 20 yrs, in my junior year of college, I was in the throes of deciding whether or not to pursue a career in drama, having obtained an application for the Pasadena City Playhouse, or should I go to NYC to study drama, or pursue a broadcasting radio and/or TV career where I was quite willing to work in a podunk little station anywhere to "get experience and move up." Had already had the intoxicating experience of being the only female selected and who acted in a local live one-act drama for that fledgling medium called TV.

Also, considered an opportunity for tuition free graduate school at a state university with an obligation to function in an educational therapeutic capacity for a couple of years during and after graduation.

I fully expected to visit Paris, many other cities and countries of the world.

Circumstances resulted in my doing none of the above for several years immediately after graduation. I did evolve into all areas on either a local amateur level, working and/or professional level in years to come. I did travel outside the U.S. a bit, but not to Paris, nor did I leave this continent.

At 20 yrs of age I adamantly stated I would never marry, but if I did, I certainly would never bring children into this world. My viewpoint changed some six or seven years later and I did both.

I was quite aware of the havoc ill health can have on adults of any age, did not assume it would happen to me but knew it could.

I'm 71 yrs. now, working part time in a professional career after obtaining further university education, then a graduate degree when in my 40's. I love life, consider myself in good health, but I know I'm not 20 yrs old. I'm intentionally aging naturally with no desire to follow other than a common sense approach to daily living. I live life as though I will be around in reasonably good health until at least 100 years. I know it's possible because a good family friend essentially did so until 103 years. My mother was almost 90 yrs., mentally alert 'til the end.

I enjoy reading about the dreams and expectations of these young writers. I agree, Tara's essay is far from being sappy. Surely do enjoy a writing mix from these young people along with the views of your older reader/writers along the aging continuum.

[Maxie]

Most of the posters here apparently are secure monetarily and are able to do the things you planned for your older years. That's wonderful. We should all be so lucky.
It is unfortunate that some in their 50s and 60s or older now also had great plans for themselves that, because of unforeseen circumstances, didn't work out. People who can barely scrape by month after month. Some who have lost their homes because they couldn't continue making high mortgage payments, etc., etc., etc. This is probably what Ms. Miller has seen and was referring to.
If we are doing well financially and healthwise, of course, it's very possible to plan ahead. If not, well, then it's easy to understand why Ms. Miller wrote what she did.

[donna]

Heh. I'm 48, and already have had cataract surgery in both eyes (second youngest patient they ever had), arthritis in my neck, high blood pressure, colon cancer, etc.
Lost my dad when he was 65 to lung cancer and my mom when she was 73 to complications from diverticulitis, so I have no examples of extremely old age to look forward to.

But I feel pretty good these days, really. I think I relate pretty well to older people, having gone through what they've been through to some extent. I hope to be healthy and happy and raising golden retrievers and maybe do some traveling at 65 - I'll settle for that.

[Chancy]

At twenty I had dreams of being a writer, novelist or journalist.

I never dreamed I would travel as extensively as I have or visit the White House and meet several Presidents or fly on the Concorde to Paris, see the Eiffel Tower and the Tower of London, visit Singapore and Hongkong, Italy and Ireland. I lived in a small college town and those were exotic places I visited only at the picture shows at the Palace theater on Saturdays.

At twenty I never gave a second thought to aging or what my life would be like at sixty five. I was too busy working and just living one day at a time.

I had a positive role model in my Mother who never let the vicissitudes of life get her down. My father died when I was nine and my Mother was only forty- five and times were not easy for us but she made sure we got by.

She didn't sit around and moan and cry about being left a "young" widow. Back in 1939, during the depression, her age then was not considered young as it seems now. She had been a school teacher but there was no demand for someone of her “age” in the local schools.

Later on,some years after I married, she lived with us for thirteen years. Not always a bed of roses but she was wonderful with our children and our husband was an understanding, caring person who welcomed her into our home.

She was a cheerful person filled with faith in life and her God and she remained so until the end when she died at the age of ninety one. She suffered some toward the end but she endured the suffering with grace and dignity.

I would like to have "just one more day" to sit and talk with her now that I am almost 77 (on December 17) and tell her I understand so much better now what she encountered as she aged..

My husband and I just celebrated fifty five years of marriage on November 22. For the most part we are both reasonably healthy and active and alert. That is not to say we have not had various ailments, some serious, some minor, but we have had good medical care for which we are thankful.

As to where I am in life now at the age of 77, my grandchildren, four of whom live nearby, ages 6 through 10 are the delight of my life. I enjoy them and they seem to enjoy being with me . We play well together.:)

I have realized recently that I was born to be a Grandmother. I am good at it. :)

[Alexandra]

Thanks for posting bits of these essays. It strikes me funny that several mention living in France and sipping red wine, making a living from writing, which seems quite naïve. At their age, I, too, dreamt of France, and actually lived there, for 20 years. I couldn’t wait to move back to the USA. Switching countries is a romantic notion that has nothing to do with reality. It is a really difficult road to follow.

My parents had a good retirement. They lived more or less happily together on Cape Cod for 30 years and wrote a well-received book together. They traveled to Europe several times. My dad had a hefty retirement check from the government every month and incredible health care coverage. I do not think the babyboomer generation will be so well off. I run a bed & breakfast in their house now. I find the future scary, because I have no retirement at all, the result of having lived abroad. Healthcare for my Swedish husband (67) and me costs $1100/month now. It goes up $100 every year.

Also, what one can do at 60 is different from what one can do at 70. What one can do at 70 is different from what one can do at 80. And, anyone who reaches 90 and beyond knows that, to quote my mother, “Old age is not for sissies.”

I think the journalism professor should do a follow-up assignment and send his students to interview the elderly in nursing homes.

I homecared my mom who just passed on at 97. What I learned from the experience is that family and good health are what matter.

[goldenlucy]

I'm thrilled and inspired by the comments to this post. As I approach my 85th birthday and my first blog anniversary I can honestly say I've never been happier in my life. I don't mean I feel like that every day--or week--or even month but in the balance of life I'm very content and grateful.

I don't remember ever thinking about growing or being old. Actually I still don't. As long as I have my wits about me I feel obligated to enjoy and appreciate life---with accepted/expected/normal periodic wallows in doubt and self-pity. (BTW, let me send love and thanks for those of you who have weathered my latest wallow.)

I think what I'm wandering around trying to say here is that growing old is not WHAT we're able to do but WHO we become in terms of acceptance, loe and gratitude. (So there Tara. Now THAT's sappy.) But I mean it.

I'm far from wealthy in material terms. And if I have a stroke and want only to sit in a polyester dress and plastic pearls waiting for dinner---well, that's OK too. I won't stop feeling blessed.

[Rain]

That was a very interesting blog, amazing to see how these young people saw old age. I didn't visualize what it'd be at that age or really even now. It just is

[Poppy]

When I was 20, I just wanted to get married and be a mother. I did and had four wonderful children. But then came a divorce 30 years ago. So, without money or career, I ventured forth.

What has happened since then has been an adventure I wouldn't have missed. I had several fascinating jobs and several gentlemen friends. I had a couple of books published.

I expected to die young like my mother. Now at age 74, I am still working part-time and have a "boyfriend". I was recently on a TV show. Last week I went with a Senior group to Reno to see Donnie Osmond in a Christmas show. I had a stroke and hip replacement. Attitude is everything and life just gets better and better if you let it.

[Darlene]

I share much of Goldenlucy's attitude. As Octogenarians we know the joy of approaching each new day as a gift to be treasured. Sure, I have some aches and pains that I didn't have when I was younger, but I also have complete freedom to do as I wish. My needs are less and my income is sufficient to fill those needs. I am considered low income, but I certainly don't feel impoverished. (I am fortunate that I don't have to take a lot of expensive prescription drugs or I might view aging in a different light.)

My only memory when I was the age of 20 was to wish that I would live to be 40 because by then I would have done everything I wanted to. How naive was that? I have doubled that life expectancy and most of the things I wanted to do were accomplished after that age. I went back to College in my fifties and I traveled to Europe four times in my sixties and seventies and saw all those wonderful things I had only read about.

I only disagree with goldenlucy about having a stroke. That is my worst nightmare because then I would have to become dependent on others to take care of me. If that happened I would wish someone would put me on an ice floe.

[Kay Dennison]

I had no idea what the future would bring and I still don't. At 20, I was a very confused girl too trying to decide what I was going to do next. And nothing has changed. I turn 60 in the coming spring and my life has no resemblance whatsoever to what I would have imagined in my young years. What I saw in those essays was an idealized version of the future as one is wont to have in one's youth. Eventually, reality will set in after they've dealt with marriage, divorce, children, illness, financial woes and the disappointment of lost dreams. As my own children were growing up, I often began lectures with "You are young, you will do foolish things and the reason for what I'm about to tell you is that I don't want you to do the same foolish things that I did! I want you to be creative and surprise me with your foolish choices! Amazingly enough, they haven't been foolish and I have great hopes for them that their elder years will be happier than mine. As to Social Security still being around, I think they are right but -- call me a skeptic -- I doubt that whatever hare-brained idea our government comes up with will be any better and could possibly be worse. (huge sigh)

[sereneambition]

Fact is that I don't think I thought about my 'old' age until I was in my 50s...and at 65 I am now living the life I imagined I wanted to live in my 30s. Clarity, Serenity, Great Relationships and the means to pretty much do what I want although I choose to keep doing what I love and have been doing for last 30 years or so. It is interesting however that as lovely as these young people's scenarios are, they all reflect the cultural expectation that we decline (slow down) as we age. It is true that our bodies and interests may change but WE don't have to decline. Thanks Ronni.

[carlos]

I always thought you americans were possitive thinking people .
What is going on with your youngsters ?
Malaria at 65?
Is that their future?
I'll be 65 in a few days and I still have so many things to do...

[fp]

I'll be 62 in a few weeks. I'm as clueless now as I was then, but I'm more or less where I'd expected if not hoped to be.

[bogie]

When I was 20, I beleived there would be no Social Security when I retire. Now that I am in my 40's, I still believe it.

Because of family histories, I fully expect to be taking care of a husband with demensia or to have Alzheimer's myself. I could easily be blind (I have vision issues) and my husband will be deaf.

If I live longer than the Wonderful Spouse, I will live alone or in a nursing home (no children, so no grandchildren).

Don't chide Miss Miller, maybe she is being realistic - family history, and current circumstances, can be a telling thing.

[Terri]

Possibly because I was raised surrounded by adults, I never gave much thought to getting "older." Still don't.
As I read those words of 20 year olds, I didn't feel any self-indulgence on their part at all. Instead, I felt "hope." We all make our own choices in life and hopefully we're able to fulfill them. Their choices may change, but I'd say they're on track to achieve them.
As for me....Everything I did and accomplished in my life has brought me to this moment...exactly where I hoped I'd be. And most of all....looking back....I have no regrets.

[Anna]

To be honest, at 20 I didn't expect to survive to old age after serious illness early on. So I am still amazed & grateful to have dodged the hurdles & still be fit and well and here.

The big thing has been the continuing possibility of change. Once that is gone, one is chained to a stone. The closing of the nursing home door is the dreaded finality. But maybe even there one might develop new ideas, truths, loves.

It was interesting to read young people's thoughts; Ashley's 'When I am old, I will cherish each day, and relish my past. I will make sure to value both what was then and what is now' is not a bad aphorism to copy out and read occasionally in my 65th year.

[Original Lee]

When I was in my 20s, I never thought beyond (maybe) my early thirties. In my 30s, I never thought beyond (maybe) my early forties. Now that I'm in my forties, I rarely think about my fifties or sixties - I just try to take each day as it comes and try to make the most of it. Maybe it's because my dreams never match reality (although they are fun). Maybe it's because reality is so different from what I was able to imagine. I think this was an interesting assignment and I'm glad you blogged about it.

I hope that when I'm in my eighties, I can do pretty much everything I can do now, and that my husband will be able to join me. I'd like to be able to visit friends and relatives, go to museums, take classes at the local community college, volunteer at a school, all that stuff. After reading your blog, I also now think my greatest hope for my old age is to be treated as a rational adult human being, just as I am now, or even improved!