REFLECTIONS: On Turning 80

Before Saul gets started on his column here today - which also concerns birthdays - I would like to announce that one of the oldest readers of Time Goes By, Leah Aronoff, turns 91 years old today. She does not blog, but has contributed several stories and poems to The Elder Storytelling Place which you can read here. You could also send her a birthday greeting at laronoff[at]fuse[dot]net.

[EDITORIAL NOTE: Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Saul Friedman (bio) writes the bi-weekly Reflections column for Time Goes By in which he comments on news, politics and social issues from his perspective as one of the younger members of the greatest generation. He also publishes a weekly column, Gray Matters, on aging for Newsday.

Sybil, I beg to differ with that head you put on your fine piece a few weeks ago, An Octogenerian’s Lament. First of all, I’m not sure I like being called an “octogenerian.” Sounds like a species of plant or a small animal with eight legs.

More important, becoming 80 is not lamentable, which, according to my dictionary, means to “mourn “ or “express sorrow.” And Sybil, you could have written your poem about aging long before your 80th. Some people are ready to throw in the towel at 50.

Mickey Mantle once said, “If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.” Becoming 80 is not to be mourned but celebrated as an accomplishment. When I told a newspaper colleague, who is Chinese, that I was 80, she had a most delightful and non-American reaction: “Really? That’s wonderful that you have attained that age. Congratulations.”

If the Chinese culture, the oldest on earth, outlasts ours it will be because it venerates age.

In my line of work, competitive journalism, staying up all hours, years of smoking, eating too much, working too hard - I never thought I’d make to 80. Even now, after a serious stroke and a nasty encounter with esophageal cancer, I cannot believe I am 80. I feel well, I’m still getting out my weekly column and an occasional piece for Time Goes By, and I play Free Cell on my computer – as I have since my stroke in 2003, to make sure my marbles are still there.

As I’m fond of saying in my column - and this is reflected in the readers of this blog - today we are younger than our parents were at our age. I’m sure medicine and pharmaceuticals, as well as life style have played roles in this. But I think mobility, the ease of traveling, of buying and driving a car, of getting out to do and see new things have had a lot to do with longevity.

At age 70, Evelyn and I decided to celebrate the millennium by going on an eight-day, camping-out raft trip down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. It was unforgettable. More than that, we took great satisfaction in having done it, for in a way the trip was like a sip from the fountain of youth. Indeed, we were more active than some of our younger companions, mostly because we were in awe of the canyon (where some of the walls are as old as the earth) while they took things for granted.

This year, in fact starting in this month, Evelyn, who will soon be 80 (but doesn’t believe it), will join me and six members of our family for a mega trip to jointly celebrate that great accomplishment. We lived in South Africa for some months while I was teaching journalism and we fell in love with the bush and the animals. So we are going to a place we wanted to get to, but couldn’t – the Okavango Delta in Botswana (home of the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency).

Briefly, the Delta – a series of swamps and Islands - is formed when the rain-swollen rivers from the west flow into and floods the Kalahari Desert. That’s when the animals come by the hundreds to drink, hunt, mate, feed. And we’re going to spend two days, in each of three different safari camps to watch this wonderment. Fortunately, two daughters and strong sons-in-law are coming to help us over the rough spots, if there are any.

We’re doing this because we’re 80 and we can. Some years ago, when we lived in South Africa and we were in our sixties, I encountered a group of British tourists, none under 70, struggling busily through an airport, and I thought then, for the first time, how great that they traveled at their age. Now, I know: Why not? What does age have to do with it? Only health should get in the way.

Which leads me to make a more serious point. Ageism, as this site has made clear, is subtle and bad enough. But when ageism is combined with disability, it’s worse than that. And among my pet peeves are outfits such as AARP and ElderHostel, which are supposed to be age and disability friendly and should know better. But both outfits seem to be catering to younger, more able-bodied boomer types.

I’ve criticized ElderHostel elsewhere because the majority of its programs, especially those that are overseas, are too strenuous for many older people and they make little or no allowance for the disabled person. ElderHostel is a wonderful organization and I have participated in several programs, but that was before the stroke left me unable to walk very far.

ElderHostel will tell you that they will try to accommodate to your needs if you notify them in advance. But wheelchairs are not always available and one gets the idea that disabled people are not encouraged. Many of the programs require a good deal of walking. Unlike the cruise ships, which are wonderfully accommodating towards disabled passengers, most of the ElderHostel programs abroad cannot supply, say, wheelchairs or scooters.

Finally, AARP seems to be an organization for older people who are golf-ready, handsome, happy, white-haired and very able-bodied. Indeed, the AARP magazine and Bulletin usually includes sex-enhancement advertisements. But rarely does the magazine or the Bulletin show really old people. And almost never does the magazine (the latest has Dolly Parton on the cover) show a person with a cane or a walker, much less a wheelchair.

In the past, AARP’s policy was to refuse advertisements depicting disabled older people. Nancy Graham, the magazine editor told me that’s no longer the case, but the only ads I see are relatively young people posing with walk-in showers and stair-climbing chairs. She promised me weeks ago that the blackout of disabled older persons would end. So far, it hasn’t.

Comments

[Tabor]

An interesting take on aging. I have recently decided not to renew my decades-old subscription to Newsweek as their design has resulted in a tiny font and articles that look like ads and vice versa. I thought about what you said on AARP and you are correct in that they do not feature older people...maybe they are afraid they will loose the new 50-something subscribers. Maybe we need a new news magazine for eldrs.

[Dee]

Thanks for this post. You never let us down, Saul. I'm in total agreement with you about AARP. And the cover with Dolly Parton with all of the body "enhancements" was the final straw. What a departure from reality. I'd like to see the likes of Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou & the many other elders on the cover who have so much more to contribute than the bottom line. But alas, big business is mostly in charge nowdays. Dee

[Kay Dennison]

First, congratulations on being able to you and your wife on planning such an amazing journey. I hope you and Sybil have a wonderful time.

RE: AARP Amen!!!! They also totally reject that a large number of elders are living in poverty (mostly women) as does most of our society. The resources available for them are thin on the ground.

[Nancy]

Oh!,how I wish I could go with you and Evelyn to Botswana,Saul...

Have a wonderful trip and ,if you see her, say hello to Mma Ramotswe for me. You may find her at the Kalahari Typing School For men....

[Claire Jean]

It’s a pleasure to read your post Saul. I made a decision many years ago to try to stay away from those who seemed to rely solely on a number as to what they could or could not do.

[Cop Carc]

Have a wonderful trip to the Kalahari, Saul. When you return, I have an assignment for you: Having identified a couple of niches that are unoccupied by current organizations, start a Super-Elder Hostel program and a Super-Elder Association, with it's own publication(s).

IMO - Each organization should focus on its on constituency, without trying to serve everyone. Now that Super-Elders are so numerous, instead of expecting AARP to cater to the 50-100 crowd, go for the 70+ or 80+ crowd with your own organization. You can do it!

[Nancy B]

May I just add: AMEN! I refuse to be defined by an age, I am a person.

Before I got laid off from my job, I was the project manager/facilitator for a group of researcher, writer, medical doctor who wrote a book entitled old is the new young....a title designed to attract attention. But it is NOT about age. Geared for the over 60 crowd, it is about adding life to your years. Not about numbers but about health and how to stay healthy at any age.

It comes out this August. I am sad I am no longer there but I have read it, taken its assessment tests, and have learned from it. The key: the body is very forgiving. It does not matter what you have done. It matters what you do. Live your life to its fullest.

Yeah for growing older, and better!

[Kate]

Wonderful post, Saul. Thanks so much. And I add my wishes to these others for a wonderful trip!

[janinsanfran]

Do have a wonderful trip. Traveling is what I want to do when I manage to retire.

I rafted down the Grand Canyon with my mother when she was 75. Her idea -- she wanted to see it. She had not slept in a sleeping bag for 50 years but she managed like the trooper she was. It was an unbelievable privilege for us both.

[Darlene]

What a surprise to see the name of the book I started reading last night on your post. 'The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' promises to be good.

I hope you have a safe and enjoyable journey. I admire you for continuing to travel. I wish I were able to do so, but until I find someone to go with me who can hear better than I and who will help me with the rigors of travel I will have to content myself with short trips.

[chancy]

I enjoyed your post Saul. You got me thinting about becoming 80 myself this coming December.

I have 3 grown childre and 6 grandchildren.

I wonder if in December I will be called
"Octomom" ;)

[mythster]

Nice post Saul.
You're "right on" about AARP but it's only natural since the officers and management are still-wet-behind-ears-sixty somethings.
To be fair when they started the organization, there were a lot fewer three score & ten plus prospective members river rafting on the Colorado or doing the Watusi on safari in Botswana. Like another junior-elder might say "The Times They Are A-changin" and AARP needs to adjust to the new "75 is the new 60" (or whatever).
Maybe it's just something endemic to organizations and hierarchies. Their formation inevitably leads to misrule and mischief- just look at the major religions.

[doctafill]

Saul, I love your story. We met a few Elder hostel groups in the canyons of Mexico. I made sure to ask what they thought about the trips, the groups, etc. A few people said they would not do the trips again, as they felt there was too much energy needed to climb aboard transportation, etc. I don't enjoy group activities- we like to travel as a couple. Best wishes on your trip.

[tamar]

Love your honest sharing. With your rich life, I'd say phooey to the organizations you mention, and stick with the winners: your kids, friends, companions, and people you meet along the way. Something I'm learning with time/age is to blow off the energy sappers whether people, groups, or things (shoes that hurt, for example) and ideas (worn-out, negative, and the like).

[Richard Orlin]

Love the quote: "If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself", but it was Eubie Blake, not Mickey Mantle. Apparently ol' Mick stole more than bases.

[joared]

Couldn't agree more -- am glad to reach whatever age I achieve.
Wish you well on your trip.

Your trip sounds exciting. Grand Canyon is one of very favorite locations to visit. Rode the mules headed down to the Colorado River, but could only go half-way as the trail washed out the night before -- I was much younger then. Still would like to do the raft trip.

Glad to hear about ElderHostel issues. Maybe they'll "shape up." I've not been too impressed with AARP for some years. I join for a year, then drop it for a few years, then try them again, but usually disappointed. I didn't renew this time.

I second Cop Car's suggestion. Maybe somehow what we want will come to be here at TGB or you can pull together talent for those ideas on your blog.

[Erin Ruddick]

Thank you, Saul, for calling things as you see them.

Your comments re: AARP struck a chord.

I am a not-yet-40-something who specializes in marketing to mature consumers. We have several clients who have built phenomenal retirement communities. There they succeed at delivering wellness programs and activities that help residents stay healthy and actively engaged in life for many years.

Yet when it's time to pick pictures for new marketing, these otherwise wonderful clients don't want to show white hair, bald heads or walkers. The fear is that these realistic images scare off future (younger) prospects.

We'd rather talk about vitality and energy than worry about wrinkles.

So I grit my teeth.

For many years, research showed that 70-year-olds prefer pictures of 60-year-olds in marketing. They see themselves as 10 to 15 years younger.

Makes me again grit my teeth.

Perhaps new research would show new attitudes? Perhaps we'll stop labeling wheelchairs signs of disability, and see them as devices that help us stay able and engaged.

And I'll be able to stop gritting my teeth.

[Chuck Boyd]

Because I am ONLY a Septuagenarian, I can't predict how I'll handle 80 but I'll stay on the course of avoiding people who are negative, those with tired attitudes and people who think "why even bother" thoughts.

I'm active, go to many live concerts (have always carried earplugs to protect my hearing)and review books for the local newspaper.

Think positive, hangout with younger, active people and keep reading. And writing.