For a different kind of New Year's Day post, thank you to Nancy Leitz, a long-time contributor of wonderful stories to The Elder Storytelling Place, who sent along this all-too-true list of annoyances for the new year that is now upon us.
As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use cling wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a quarter coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.
Oh, and by the way -
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by email that water splashes for more than six feet out of the toilet.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE
At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Joyce Benedict: Blackberry Brandy