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Tuesday, 01 January 2013

New Years Day 2013

New year 2013

For a different kind of New Year's Day post, thank you to Nancy Leitz, a long-time contributor of wonderful stories to The Elder Storytelling Place, who sent along this all-too-true list of annoyances for the new year that is now upon us.


As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use cling wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a quarter coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

Oh, and by the way -

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by email that water splashes for more than six feet out of the toilet.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE


At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Joyce Benedict: Blackberry Brandy

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post

Comments

Happy New Year, Ronni.

This was so funny. (In the too true tobe funy sense.)

Nancy is a prize in our lives!! Happy New Year to you, Ronni, and Nancy as well!!

Today also is my birthday, but after reading Nancy's piece I'm thinking of changing it. LOL. Happy New Year.

Thank you Nancy, and thank you Ronni. Dear Nancy, you leave notes for me, but I have no way to return them. Thanks for all the years of pleasure you give us.

What a hoot! Thanks, Nancy. We've all been there.

I've been celebrating the season by hitting the tiny button at the bottom of most begging emails that reads "unsubscribe." (If I want to hear from them, we'll find each other again.)

If they offer a space on the unsubscribe page for explanation, I enter "annual email purge."

Happy New Year to us all.

Hi Everyone,

I'm glad you are all enjoying the piece I sent Ronni and she printed it above.

I did not write it, it was sent to me and I sent it on to Ronni.Thank you all for the nice compliments but it is not original by me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL....

Thanks to both Nancy and Ronni for sharing this most enjoyable piece.

Happy New Year to all!

There's always PA - Paranoids Anonymous.

Happy New Year all

As always, Nancy is able to make us laugh. Thanks to you both for this morning's giggle.

Happy New Year to all.

That was too funny and now I'm thinking of joining PA.

Have a very happy new year, Ronni.

Peace and Joy be with you in 2013!!

Too true for comfort. Some year's ago I ordered fast food through the car window and the server sneezed on it as he passed it out to me. It went into the trash and I went home and washed my hands and made a sandwich. I took it as a sign, not of germs, but that one of my rules of weight maintenance is never eat anything you get through your car window.

Happy New Year to all of you!!

Thank you for waking me up to the first laughing fit of 2013. Hope for many more to come.

I was not aware of the microwave boiling water causing disfigurement and so now, thanks to you, I can no longer boil water at work. It's a good think life is short. :)

Happy New Year wishes to Ronni , commenters, and TGB readers wherever you are. With a hope that more of us sign more petitions/visit state legislatures/speak out on elder issues in 2013.

Happy New Year!:)

Wonderful post to start 2013 with! Where do these folks find these things to FWD? Anyway, I loved it & happy new year to all! Dee

Great post!! I figure that one reason I've survived to the age of 76 is that, although I make reasonable efforts to mitigate all the deadly threats out there, I go ahead and live my life. Could be that's how most of us elders developed at least some resistance to the common hazards we humans encounter along the way.

Happy New Year to you, Ronni, and all your TGB fans!

Happiest New Year to all especially you Ronni, Crabby and Ollie!

Love this one, and have already sent it to all the people who send exactly that info to me. :)

Oh. Gee. Thanks. Going back to bed now.
Would wish you happy new year, but who knows what havoc THAT might cause....
Oh, well...
a/b

I hate to spoil the mood, but the boiling water in the microwave thing is quite true and a real hazard. With nothing to break the surface tension, the water can become superheated to the point where it "explodes" when the tension is finally broken. This is what's happening if the water seems to fizz and boil over when you add something to it (has happened to me several times).

As recently as last summer, a cup of water in my microwave did "explode" with enough force to blow the door open. Had I not been standing behind the door when it blew open, I'd have been sprayed with boiling water. As it was, I received a small burn on my arm.

If you like to boil water in the microwave, put in a wooden chopstick or a wooden fork from a prepackaged salad (I now keep several for this purpose only). Anything to break the surface tension. If you're making tea, just put the bag in the cup before heating the water.

I am sitting in a hospital lobby as I read this, and my body is shaking with laughter! Good, rousing belly laughter!!! Thanks Ronni!!!

Happy Holidays! May you have a healthy, happy and prosperous new year.

Ronni:
A perfect comment on our crazy world!

How did we last so long without benefit of all the wonderful advice?

A very happy New Year to you; to everyone!

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