Old and Single By Choice, Or Not

It's amazing that so many men expect the women in their lives to do all the dirty work around the house. I'm extremely fortunate that my husband is not domestically impaired.

But even so, I used to joke that if my husband died I would not remarry, but get a bigger dog. Well, my husband is thriving and he's going to retire later this year. He will be home a lot more. I really enjoy my solitude, especially in the morning (he goes off to work very early) so it will be interesting to see how that goes. I may end up going out more.

It's a good thing too that he has an absorbing musical hobby which takes him out of the house frequently and that he also plans to continue to work part-time, at least until he is 70.

As for the dog, sadly he died last year and I miss him, but we've decided not to get another dog at the moment so we can do some traveling without worrying about how the dog is getting along.

I lived with the same man for 36 years and couldn't imagine life without him for most of it, but now that I am alone I would not marry again. I enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want. I know I have written this before, but it is true. And I am so glad that I no longer have to pick up a man's dirty socks and do his laundry. There are pluses and minuses to both ways of living. It is an individual thing and priorities are different in each case.

I do miss someone to talk with and a cuddle now and then, but on the whole I do not regret staying single.

Perhaps if the right man came along it would be different, but the ones who asked me to marry them were not worth giving up my independence for.

I think if men marry late they are likely to clean up their messes because they have had to. I married late at 27 and found that things didn't get cleaned by themselves. Anyway, I think the tradition is that the women take care of inside the home and men take out the garbage. :-)

My sentiments exactly. I've never been much of a caregiver or nurturer to the men in my life. I've been alone now for around 25 years and would not give up my independence and peace of mind for the world. However, I do fear being sick/dying alone and yet am not willing to compromise simply to have someone take care of me.

I divorced at age 42 ith 4 children. Dated a lot, gave back several rings and up until 10 years ago though I might remarry if the right one came along. At the moment in these 3 score and 10 years I am happier and more myself then ever in past years. There are times I think of accepting an invitation of a date and might if the right one came along - even at this late age.
But I think I have the best of 2 worlds of this time.
Freedom and independance are wonderful...

My husband died 2 years ago after 9 years of Alzheimer's and a year of lymphoma. I miss him, as him, very much - as he was before AD. Now, at 73, the only men I meet want to be taken care of. To which I say, No thanks. Been there, done that.

Here's how I see it. Many men simply don't recognize the mess; it did not OCCUR to my husband to wash the toilets while I was away for a month.it just didn't cross his mind until I brought it to his attention (he's an intelligent man; but his mind is elsewhere when it comes to cleaning). Nowadays, the house is clean when I get home; though he admits, he does a marathon cleaning the day before I arrive!

I am not the nurturing type. If that's selfish and self-centered, so be it. While I certainly fear being sick and/or dying alone, I'm not willing to sacrifice my current privacy and freedom for an unknown number of years to ensure against it. Besides, that would be a lousy basis for a relationship.

I think I've mentioned before the phenomenon of "comforts" here on the edge of the Atlantic. These are arrangements where both maintain individual dwellings but get together for social occasions and weekends and help each other out.
No loss of independence.
Mentioned as "comforts' in obits too.
I would love me a comfort. Am still looking.
:)
XO
WWW

I was so incredibly fortunate to meet my husband (#3) just before turning 40--he was 47. We lived together for a year or so and got married on New Year's Day 1978. As the saying goes, they "broke the mold" after he came along. Not only is he a wonderful partner and my best friend in the world, he's super intelligent, can fix almost anything AND is a committed anti-sexist.

In my experience it's pretty unusual that a man born on the cusp of the Great Depression has been able to change with the times to view women as equals and actually walk the walk (i.e., share household duties, economic decisions and all aspects of life together). While he sometimes doesn't "see" a dirty floor in the same way I do, I simply cannot imagine life without him!

Most men I know don't clean up because they don't like hearing they failed to do it properly. Other than that, I know men who cook better than I do, and none have any trouble calling in a maid service at least once a month. Perhaps men in their 60s are more likely to have experienced divorced and because of it, learned to fend for themselves. Actually, when I think about it, most men I know would loathe being reminded about an appt., I only hear that kind of exchange between couples who've been together many years.

I have been alone now for 20 years, after having been married for 27 years and becoming a youngish widow very suddenly. I dated a lot, was engaged, but never could seem to find the right mix. I have come to tolerate this aloneness, but sometimes I feel like I am living in a black and white world and those around me live it in color.

What's the old saying, about a woman needing a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle? Nevertheless, we shouldn't stereotype. My experience is exactly the opposite. My mother was messy; my father was neat. My first wife was a slob; I did most of the clean-up. My current partner? Much better; and I've mellowed; but I still think I'm prob. neater than she is.

I share Eliza's experience. And after 25 years alone find I want two mutually contradictory living arrangements. I'd really enjoy having an intelligent man to share a condo with, travel with, go to theater with, etc but I cannot imagine living with another person.

The "comforts" on the edge of the Atlantic would be a solution but meeting the right man is still an iffy thing.

I had a good marriage for 30 years, but I must confess that my husband was probably a better housekeeper than I was.

No solution in sight but maybe a serendipitous meeting will occur.

I am charmed, Ronni, by your ability to communicate the feeling on both sides of the fence.

A friend sent me this link as I wrote about aging at the New York Times until taking a buyout there in 2008, after 29 years. After leaving, on contract, I founded the New Old Age blog for them, which continues with an occasional post from me, and also wrote a book, "A Bittersweet Season". In addition to maybe one post a month for New Old Age, which I did solo for its first year, I also write monthly now for a site called "Next Avenue," funded by PBS, and targeted to Baby Boomers. At 65, and single all my life, a state I didn't consciously choose but am, at least long past child-bearing years, better suited for than the alternative, though envy those who have cobbled together intermediate arrangements. It is abt far more than cleaning up someone else's mess but also needing lots of time alone, in my own space, being able to see the movies I want to see and not the ones I don't. Ironically, my most recent posts for both blogs are about the conflicting fears of growing old alone and the unwillingness to be joined at the hip 24/7. These posts, and also aggregated things on the subject that interest me, are on my book's FB fan page. The posts here are wonderful. My thanks.

Today my husband made breakfast, did the wash, took out the garbage, composted and sorted the recycling. I repainted kitchen doors and cabinets and fixed lunch.
We have been married 47 years. No, you can't have him!

What a marvelous post, followed by many interesting comments (not the least of which is Hattie's). I need to send my husband to Hattie-husband-camp because he hasn't learned much from me!

My mother had four marriages and was divorced the final time when she was in her mid-50s. She lived to 85, alone. In one of our last conversations she told me that she was glad that she finally realized that she did so much better alone. She had me in her life, though. Being childless offers up a whole new set of issues regarding being alone in later life.....

I've almost always been single, except for 4 years of marriage in my early 20s. I raised 2 kids by myself. All that time of being a single parent I longed for another adult in the house, not so much to share the workload as for another adult to talk to, commiserate with, to love me when I felt most unloved.

But now, I have very mixed feelings about that. As someone else here wrote, I feel most myself now. The freedom of being single I take for granted, I don't even know what it would be like not to have it. My ideal situation would be a male companion living close by but not in the same house.

I don't hold out a lot of hope of that happening now, I think I will probably remain single for the rest of my life. But there are worse things in life, and there are compensations. I don't know if I would be happier with a companion, but I fantasize that I would be. I live a busy life, have a lot of friends, travel when I want to, and am moderately tied down by an oversized dog. If she was capable of conversation, I would be all set.

Since our children have flown the nest, I have been amazed at the changes in my husband. He does most of the cooking. He does laundry if needed. He was doing most of the cleaning at one point (to save the cost of a cleaning person....if he didn't want to pay someone else, he could do it was my argument). I had to let go of some of my tendencies to want to control, but overall, I am fine with it. I figure I put in a lot of years as the chief cook and bottle washer for all 5 of us, it's wonderful that he is taking a turn at it now.

61 years of marriage! The last 10 a nightmare of doctors,
nursing homes, therapists etc.!
He had Dementia--not easy to diagnose especially in the beginning stages. Practically
left with nothing but a large house fully paid for which I gave to my two daughters. An incredibly lucky decision since the roof fell in on them and they moved in with me
along with a son-in-law. We are now a household of 4 plus two cats and two dogs (mine).
No I am NOT alone although I sometimes long for solitude.
For you who are alone read Annie's comment. Get a dog.
They understand everything about you and love you anyhow.
Mine have saved my sanity and probably my life over and over again. Sure hope 'Heaven" accepts them otherwise I'm not going (it's a little iffy anyway)
We all die alone that's never a reason to 'find' someone!
Good luck to us all!