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Thursday, 28 October 2010

LONG LOST NEWS: Wooly Clones Shepherd New Era

By Steve Kemp

December 19, 1997
OCEAN BEACH (iSpam news service) - Polly, the first "designer" sheep, and Dolly, the sheep whose birth stunned the world in March when she was cloned using an adult cell from the sheep's mammary gland, are merely the first of a herd of super sheep planned for the next two years by a child prodigy in this San Diego suburb.

Tommy Blue, an eight-year-old gene engineer and graduate of Scotland's Roslin Institute has revealed his plans to improve upon Polly the sheep. Polly's milk produces Factor IX, important to producing a key blood clotting substance for hemophiliacs.

Blue plans to produce a herd of designer clones in the next two years. According to Blue, "Dolly and Polly are just hints of what I plan to achieve. There is no reason we must limit ourselves to medical problems. For example I plan to clone Jolly, who will be the funniest thing on cable TV since the reruns of Sgt. Bilko!"

Jolly will be implanted with genes from comedians including Phil Silvers, Al Franken, Bob Hope, Milton Berle and Bozo the Clown. "We plan to raise her on a corn-only diet," Blue confided, "though we're positive she'll be the corniest thing on the planet in any case."

Other plans include:

Folly, which will be a politically conscious result of synthesizing Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Robert McNamara and Bill Clinton. Most sheep will follow anything, but Folly will only follow whatever moves right.

Golly, a singing cloned-again mix of Kenny G and Rush Limbaugh will be able to bleat for hours on end without repeating the same note or uttering a cogent sentence.

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