The Elder Storytelling Place | LONG-LOST NEWS - It's Official: Eat, Drink and Be Merry!

Thursday, 09 December 2010

LONG-LOST NEWS - It's Official: Eat, Drink and Be Merry!

By Steve Kemp

Saturday, December 27, 1997
(iSpam news service) The best gift this Christmas was news from the scientists and medicos that contrary to prior studies, neither broccoli, iced tea nor celibacy are the staffs of life.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported on December 11th that in the "middle-aged and elderly population, moderate alcohol consumption...reduced overall mortality."

This has been substantiated by the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas, whose study discovered that those who determinedly drank one or better, two drinks a day "had a lower chance of developing blocked arteries, possibly because alcohol improves circulation slightly, dilates blood vessels or raises the level of good cholesterol in the blood."

(Just prior to Thanksgiving on November 20th The New England Journal of Medicine also confirmed that butter is actually better than margarine, and therefore the Butter Ball turkey is actually as healthy as buttered popcorn.)

On December 23rd in a study from Harvard Medical School, researchers said that among 832 men whose health histories were traced for 20 years, reduced incidence of strokes was tied to "increases in total dietary fat, particularly saturated and monounsaturated fats...such as those found in meat and dairy products, canola, nut and olive oils."

Best of all, in mid-December, 900 old Welshmen offered evidence to British researchers confirming their long-held suspicions about the Welsh. Writing in the British Medical Journal, the scientists were delighted to report that the Welsh in the town of Caerphilly, "cut their risk of premature death by half by having orgasms two times or more a week" compared to those who had orgasms less than 12 times a year.

Our Ocean Beach staff has exhaustively researched and correlated dietary, nutrition, geographic and legal factors using the above criteria. The vast resources of the internet have helped us to determine the optimal locale for maintaining healthy lifestyles.

We have made an absolute determination that for men, due to the availability of cheap prime rib dinners, steak and eggs breakfasts, free drinks and legal brothels, the healthiest place on this planet is Las Vegas, Nevada.

[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Instructions for submitting are here.]

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