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Monday, 30 May 2011

Twin Toddlers Take No Prisoners

By Bob Brady who blogs at Pure Land Mountain

It is a courageous, perhaps completely insane grandfather who escorts his newly walking twin granddaughters, who have in their short lives seen little of the world beyond carpets and adult knees - amateur toddlers, in other words - it is a grandfather heedless of hazards, as I say, who dares take such a fearless duo to a large toy store.

I now count myself among that questionable number of men and am much changed by the experience. As a result of my time in a toyland where everything happens at least twice, my hair is whiter now and there is less of it. Say the word “toy” and a tremor passes through me, though the shaking diminishes within days.

As we entered the bigger store than they had ever seen, the cute-as-identical-buttons twins who operate under the moniker "M and M" (they're about that easy to tell apart) or - more notoriously - "The Ms" - at first toddled slowly and cautiously with what I initially took for naive awe, but soon realized was spontaneous planning.

Their big brown eyes were taking in everything and its exact location, how it had been placed there for their very own delight and so belonged to them and was theirs to do with as they pleased as, for example, those delicately high-stacked tubes of superglue or the interestingly crunchy balsa wood airplanes over there.

Or straight ahead, so many smiley dolls in cellophane-paned boxes. Fun to poke with a Hello Kitty ballpoint!

Though they didn't yet really know what all these toys were, they were surprisingly good at throwing them. Not much accuracy, of course, but with impressive speed and a savage abruptness.

For example, the metal toy car being closely studied by M - as I could see from afar with her boot in my hand - was instantly ballistic, passing within inches of the brow of M, who had suddenly toddled out of a side aisle with a glass jar of model paint in each hand and lacking both boots.

As you may have gathered, one neat tactic in The M's arsenal, in addition to their devilish strategy of being so small while looking and dressing exactly alike, was to let their boots fall off. Not both boots at the same time: one by one. It's an evolutionary trick to distract the pursuer, much the way lizards lose their tails.

I would notice a socked foot, run back and get the boot, return and both twins would be gone (toddlers move at a feral speed when unobserved). In different directions, of course; The Ms are not so foolish as to operate together. They know they can cover a lot more territory and get a lot more done if they work separately, in telepathic coordination.

This is especially true in a big toy store with only one pursuing grandfather of questionable mental status who, within five minutes, wants to take a nap.

After must've been a week of chasing up and down the aisles (amazing, the places a toddler can hide), the twins had had enough of their first grand fun experience to last me forever.

At our departure, i.e., me with one squirming, toy-reaching M in each arm and two boots in each hand, the store - like myself - was in need of thorough rearrangement and impressively the worse for wear.

The Ms, though, giggled all the way home at the fun it had been, looking forward to our next trip, ha ha. We didn't buy any toys of course; they'd played with them all anyhow and no way I'll have those hazards in my house the next time M and M come to visit.

[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Instructions for submitting are here.]

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post


Bob - Hilarious!

I am exhausted just thinking of you chasing your delightful, bootless, M's up, down, and around the mountains of toys. This was great! - Sandy

Delightful! You are a brave man! I have four great-grands under the age of four: the puppies, I call them--and one would have about as much chance to corral them as if they WERE puppies.

Great story,Bob.

You were either very brave or very foolish to go to a toy store with not one,but TWO toddlers!

What a great story from a very brave and foolish grandfather.

What a hoot! I love your style.
Great little tale.

Yes, toddlers have to be double teamed in public, so next time, just take three friends along too -- in order to define a defensible perimeter!

lucky you, lucky you....tis said grandkids are said to lengthen our lives..twins were never mentioned...

I missed this story the first go round. Glad I came back. It was a saga. It got my heart rate up. I think I can pass on my workout. I've been to the big toy store with the four grand kids, but there were four adults as well. You got out alive with injuries only to the store. You done good.

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