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Thursday, 07 June 2012

Gas Emissions

By Johna Ferguson

All the talk today is about “the green house effect” which seems to come from not only burning coal but also exhaust from cars. There have been world conferences all about what to do but yet more and more Chinese are buying cars that pollute, and our factories in America still emit tons of pollutants into the air daily.

But the gas I am talking about is not what the cars or factories emit but what animals, us included, emit. If you can believe it, MedlinePlus says we produce one to four pints of it daily and pass it about 14 times a day.

Thankfully most is odorless, but bacteria in the large intestine can cause it to stink like sulfur.

I can remember so fondly my friend’s grandma Hetty. She must have been about 75 when I was six. Grandma wore a hearing aid but it was not one of those modern small ear ones.

No, it was a battery box, much bigger than a pack of cigarettes, which she wore on a cord hanging around her scrawny neck. Attached to it were two lines which went to the plugs she hung over her ears. They had small boxes about the size of a walnut in which the sensors were.

There were no wires leading to ear plugs so I guess the sensors picked up enough sound and passed it through her head into her ears.

Well obviously they didn’t work very well or she’d forget to turn up the volume on the big box so everyone just yelled at her. She was a tiny old lady with not much gray hair and knurled hands. But wow, did she have a temper. If things didn’t go her way, we’d all watch out. She actually ran my neighbor's household; the mother just quaked whenever she walked into the room.

Behind her back, we children laughed at her, especially when she let out a series of obnoxious gas odors as she walked across the room, oblivious to it all. Her gas permeated the entire room and we children fled outside to gasp a bit of fresh air.

But now the tide has turned and we children are now adults around grandma’s age. I find that occasionally I’ll let out a fart without thinking about it happening; it just does. I look around in sheer embarrassment in case someone else heard it or gets a whiff of it. Oh I could die on the spot when it happens.

I know one should drink more water and also eat slowly to prevent swallowing air but those I things I often forget. So please, if it happens when I am standing by you, don’t dash out the door for you may be the next one to join the symphony.


[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post

Comments

Johna - This was funny!

If only we humans would eat more slowly. and convince cows, horses, elephants, whales, etc to do the same. And if only we could put large corks into the tops of those horrific spewing chemical and gas emitting volcanoes! . . . ! - Sandy


Loved your story...Especially the part about Grandma Hetty and her hearing aid.

I heard about a lady with a hearing aid like that and then she had an operation and now can hear Everything!

Someone mentioned to her that her family must be very happy that she can hear now and she said," Oh, I didn't tell them I can hear now. I just sit in the corner and listen to everything they say."

"I've changed my will five times."

Funny. Well said.

I was going to comment on this story, but I think I'll just pass.

Touche' Herm.....Johna

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