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Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Vladberry Pie

By Steve Kemp

Sebastopol, Crimea April, 2014
Right after Russia occupied Crimea this year, the news sources reported that the President and Vladimir Putin had spoken by phone for at least an hour.

Not having heard of such a precedent begs the question, what did they talk about for a whole hour? Here is a purported transcript.

Putin: Hello, Barry.

Obama: Hey, Vlad.

Vlad: So why you calling?

Barry: The dogs are at my heels, Vlad. I needed someone to talk to.

Vlad: I know. People are mad at me too. What are we going to do?

Barry: No matter what we do, they'll be taking pot-shots at us.

Vlad: Hey, I have great idea. How about we be mad at each other.

Barry: Aren't we already? Heh-heh.

Vlad: Yeah, we sure are! HAH!

Barry: Hmmm. We can make a big show of it and invite the press.

Vlad: Okay, so this call is act one. We publicize the hell out of it.

Barry: Yeah, but nothing about what we “discussed.”

Vlad: Let drama build.

Barry: Yeah.

Vlad: So, about Crimea. You know Sebastopol is our only warm water port. We will never give it up. Too strategic.

Barry: We know, we know. But let's try to do it peacefully.

Vlad: Yeah, that's important. And cheaper.

Barry: Besides, you just built that Sochi winter spa.

Vlad: Da. I didn't build it for peanuts, you know, so when Ukraine kicked out my guy and rattled their swords, I had to protect my investment. And borrowed much to do it. Bankers are robbing me, too.

Barry: Yeah, they're all like that, believe me.

Vlad: And Ukraine was going to buy oil from me, too, but not now. So I'm getting pretty strapped.

Barry: Damn, I'm looking forward to Sochi. Oh yeah, the wife sends her regards. She told me to be sure to invite all of you to come stay with us in Hawaii when this blows over.

Vlad: Yeah, I was wondering when you'd get around to that since I invited you to come ski in Sochi, heh, heh.

Barry: Yeah, hah. Hey, so how about this: I get IMF to loan Ukraine a shit-load of money so they can pay it back to you for oil? I'll throw in a billion just to get them moving and keep your money flowing.

Vlad: What do I give you?

Barry: Cover.

Vlad: Cover?

Barry: From my enemies here in the U.S. such as John Boehner, you see? Ban him from visiting Russia, makes good news.

Vlad: Hmmm. Not bad. And you would attack my bankers?

Barry: Da!

Vlad: But not too hard.

Barry: No, just enough to be believable.

Vlad: Good thing I don't report to MY bankers, heh!

Barry: Very funny. I think maybe sanctions would shake them up.

Vlad: Sanctions? Aren't those a good thing?

Barry: They are also a bad thing.

Vlad: Ah. Perfect word for diplomats.

Barry: Yes, that's why they are the only ones who use it.

Vlad: Great word, very clever. Who came up with that?

Barry: The Brits.

Vlad: Of course! They are silly but very clever, da?

Barry: You should hear them on the phone. They go nuts.

Vlad: Yes, that we have noticed.

Barry: Of course. Much more interesting than the Germans. Oh, and I have been enjoying your theater.

Vlad: Hmmm?

Barry: Come on! Your whole army is in costume, no stripes, no big hats or flashy buttons.

Vlad: You noticed? Hahaha.

Barry: Heh, heh. And only one fatality.

Vlad: Yeah, sorry for that - jealous husband.

Barry: It can happen. And your massing troops along the border is a good touch.

Vlad: Yeah they were starting to get bored and sloppy, you understand.

Barry: Sounds like my navy.

Vlad: These guys miss war, you know. Can't blame them.

Barry: Nope, it's a way of life.

Vlad: Okay then. So we're on?

Barry: Yup. but YOU have to call ME next time, okay?

Vlad: Okay, until then we can both work on our images.

Barry: How about two weeks from now?

Vlad: Think you could make NATO blow some smoke at us? My guys would enjoy that.

Barry: Sure. I'll throw in the U.N. too. That always looks good. So are we cool, man?

Vlad: Da, I think so.

Barry: Okay, we chat in two weeks.

Vlad: Da! Do svidanya, homie.

Barry: Aloha, bra!

[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post


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