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Thursday, 18 September 2014

The Long Lost (with good reason) Lone Ranger Show

By Mickey Rogers of This, That and the Other

Stopping to rest the horses our hero, the Lone Ranger, and his trusty sidekick, Tonto, walk into the nearby woods to look for nuts and berries to eat.

Tonto: Kemo Sabe, me hear strange noise.

Lone Ranger: It’s a mother bear and her two cubs. Do not make eye contact; turn around and slowly walk out of here. Don’t try to run, faithful buddy; no man can outrun a bear.

A few moments later Tonto blazes past the masked man.

Lone Ranger: Tonto, I told you that you can’t outrun a bear.

Tonto: Me not try to outrun bear, Kemo Sabe. Me just try to outrun you.

After getting back to their horses the two men ride away. Soon they discover the charred remains of a building.

Lone Ranger: Old-timer, what happened?

Store Owner: It was the work of the Dalton gang. I wouldn’t pay protection money so they burned down my bakery. Now my business is toast.

Lone Ranger: Don’t worry. Tonto and I will bring those crooks to justice.

After riding a few miles, Tonto dismounts and puts an ear to the ground.

Tonto: Buffalo been through here, Kemo Sabe.

Lone Ranger: How do you know that?

Tonto: Now me have buffalo manure on ear.

The masked man and his trusty friend soon make camp and settle in for the night. About three hours later Tonto awakens and gently shakes the Lone Ranger from his sleep.

Tonto: Kemo Sabe, look upward. What do you see?

Lone Ranger: I see a wonderful array of stars.

Tonto: What does that mean to you, Kemo Sabe?

Lone Ranger: It is a reminder that God is the most awesome artist of all.

Tonto: Kemo Sabe, as you look at stars you should become aware that someone has stolen our tent.

In the morning the Lone Ranger, while sitting down to put on his boots, is bitten on the backside by a deadly rattlesnake.

Lone Ranger: Old friend, you must ride to the nearest town. Bring back the doctor before it’s too late.

Tonto rides Scout at top speed arriving in the town of Dead Man’s Gulch in 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the town’s only doctor is delivering triplets so he cannot leave, but he gives directions to Tonto.

Doctor: Hurry back and do as I say to save your friend. Start a fire and sterilize this knife over it. Then cut an X over the wound. Then suck out the poison.

Tonto rushes back to the masked man.

Lone Ranger: What did the doctor tell you?

Tonto: Him said you die, Kemo Sabe.

Fortunately heroes, at least the ones in the movies, are not killed so easily. In fact, the rattlesnake died. A few hours later, while on the trail, over 1,000 Indians attack our heroes. The Lone Ranger and Tonto take refuge behind a fallen tree.

Lone Ranger: We’re in big trouble this time, old pal. We’re surrounded by Indians.

Tonto: What you mean “we,” Kemo Sabe?

Luckily for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, the raiding Indians were designated by the director to be the “bad guys,” so they were required to be awful shooters of both guns and arrows. On the other hand, the Lone Ranger’s sharp shooting skills soon drove the Indians away.

Two hours later our heroes capture the Dalton gang and return them to the city jail. Upon leaving, Silver, the Lone Ranger’s trusty steed, rises upon its back legs as the masked man shouts.

Lone Ranger: High-ho, Silver, and away.

Or was it “High oh, Silver?” Maybe it was “Ohio, Silver.” Whatever.

As the twosome rode away, a town person asked: Who was that masked man?

Another citizen: I think it was Zorro.

Another person: No, I think it was Batman.

Even another person: Well, he left something behind.

Old lady: A silver bullet?

Citizen: No, an empty six-pack of Old West Beer.

A few miles from town, the Lone Ranger asks Tonto an important question.

Lone Ranger: Tonto, just what does “kemo sabe” mean?

Tonto: Loosely translated, it means “idiot” or “nincompoop.”

Lone Ranger: That’s what I was afraid of.


[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post

Comments

Mickey:

Great stuff! I hadn't heard a coiuple of them before. By the way, "Tonto," in Spanish, means, "silly."

Oh, how funny--a joyful start to my morning--that and coffee. Thanks--well-done.

Funny.

As kids we always thought "kemo sabe" was a Japanese word. It sounded just like a words from the language the Japanese workers on our oyster beds said. We knew their children and women were subservient to the men, so we just assumed it meant "master". We were the idiots, not our idols, the Lone Ranger and his side-kick Tonto..

This is so funny!!!! I am still laughing! Thanks!

I just finished reading the book "I Was That Masked Man" by Clayton Moore. This is a whole lot better than that book. I am printing it and posting it on our bulletin board. This is hysterical! Thanks!

This is really funny! Thanks for the many laughs!

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