« Oh, the Irony of It All | Main | Off and Running »

Monday, 20 April 2015

Advice for Husbands

By Mickey Rogers of This, That and the Other

There is nothing quite so blissful for a guy as sharing his life with a contented wife. From my vast years of experience, I can give you younger guys some sound advice:

  1. Always put the seat down after using the toilet. When she argues that you are inconsiderate for not doing so, you could counter that she is just as inconsiderate for not putting it up after she’s finished. Your argument would be every bit as logical but don’t go there! No male has ever won that debate.

  2. Never, and I mean never tell her that she is turning into her mother. Your mother-in-law might be a saint (if so, you have the only one on the planet) but your wife will never take such a statement as a compliment.

  3. If your wife asks if a new outfit makes her backside look big, always answer “no.” Answer in the negative even if those new jeans make her look like Shamu. God will forgive you for this white lie; no doubt He would do the same thing if there was a Mrs. God.

  4. Never give your honey the nickname, “Moose.”

  5. When you come to bed on a cold winter’s night, never stick your icy feet on her legs.

  6. Never try to compliment her by stating that among her many attributes, she even has better in-laws than you do.

  7. Sincerity is the key to a happy marriage. Once you learn how to fake that you’ve got it made.

  8. Try to stay awake at least ten minutes after a romantic interlude. Don’t use those ten minutes to talk sports.

  9. When you do something wrong, use those two magic words: “I’m sorry.”

  10. When you’re right but she thinks you’re wrong, use those two magic words: “I’m sorry.”

  11. When she forces you to go shopping with her, pretend to be enjoying the activity.

  12. Don’t ask her to fetch your beer.

  13. Always make her wishes as important as your own.

  14. No matter what she prepares for a meal, eat it and thank her for fixing it.

  15. Even if your mother-in-law is a witch, treat her with the utmost respect (it’s okay, however, to imagine sending her on a one-way trip to Jupiter).

  16. Always treat her as an equal in the marriage.

  17. Even if it’s true, never tease her that she and her friends sound like a bunch of hens while playing cards. In a related matter, never kid about looking for eggs after the card party is over.

  18. Be careful that you don’t tell her the same jokes more than three times.

  19. Don’t kiss her until you’ve had that morning shave. For some strange reason women do not like the feeling of sandpaper across their faces.

  20. If she loves a pet, you love it too.

  21. Constantly remind yourself how lucky you are to be living with such a wonderful person.

  22. Every now and then surprise her by serving breakfast in bed. Do more than hand her a bowl and a box of cereal.

  23. Make her feel that in choosing you she has hit the jackpot.

  24. And most importantly, at least once a day tell her how much she means to you. Tell her that you love her, and mean it.

[INVITATION: All elders, 50 and older, are welcome to submit stories for this blog. They can be fiction, non-fiction, poetry, memoir, etc. Please read instructions for submitting.]

Posted by Ronni Bennett at 05:30 AM | Permalink | Email this post

Comments

Wonderful, and right on the money! I've been married almost 50 years and my hubby must have taken lessons from you!

Mickey, it is apparent you are either a sensitive and sensible man----or a woman writing under a pen name. Excellent advice, delivered with charm and wit.....I may have to go with the woman author!

I don't like to ask for directions when I'm lost, so I must be a guy!

My husband has known every day for 53 years exactly how to accomplish #23 in your list and I love him to death for it!

P.S. He never leaves the toilet seat up, and I never put it up for him.

A little cynical in parts, but all in all good observations, charmingly and wittily expressed.

The comments to this entry are closed.