If Cowtown Pattie, the proprietor – or as she prefers, the “trailboss” – of Texas Trifles weren’t so obviously one of the funniest and smartest bloggers on the Web, she would have captured me anyway with this headline alone:
Spit Out That Fry! Drop And Give Me Ten, Fatboy!
Such a great Texas kind of line and the rant that followed, on the low carb diet fad, ends with an aria in praise of carbohydrates that will send you straight out to the produce market:
“Wake up, children, and look around you. Mother Nature is at her best in the summertime: plump, ripe tomatoes are pulling at their vines; juicy red watermelons all afloat in ice water just waiting for your thump; sweet, fragrant peaches softly fuzzed; fresh new potatoes smelling faintly of the farm field dirt.”
I don’t know what Cowtown Pattie, who recently turned 50, looks like, but her writing voice takes me straight back to those sometimes intimidating, always entertaining Texas beauties I learned to love and respect when I lived in Houston many years ago. They were all seven feet tall, slim with extra long legs, big hair and best of all, filled with attitude, sass and smarts - like Pattie. It would not be too hard on a clear, Texas, night to sit a spell with her:
“Absolutely gorgeous weather this week. Sat in my favorite rocker on my patio last evening, put on a Billy Joel album (yes I still have a turntable which we use when out on our covered patio in the backyard), poured a frosted mug of Corona with lime and salt and watched the doves come into feed at the birdfeeder with sunflower seeds.”
Although she breaks it up with recipes for peach lemonade and paeans to the blessings of bacon grease and 60’s rock-and-roll, Pattie is an informed political commentator, particularly on environmental issues and I like her Texas-style directness that leaves no doubt as to her point. Recently she was ticked off about a new highway that will cut through the Big Lonesome country of far west Texas:
“Texas has miles and miles of isolated, pristine desert countryside. It is one of the last bastions of No Man's Land, and deserves preservation and protection. Burns my butt to think of it going to trash all for a few million more plastic glasses painted with pink flamingoes and palm trees. Garbage, pure dee junk.”
Her righteous anger is contagious and just when she's got you, the reader, ready to fire off protests and complaints to the powers that be, she'll turn right around the next day and go all sentimental on you. Here’s Pattie’s online announcement of her recent third wedding:
“For over a year we have been committed to one another, and for various reasons, never saw the immediate need of becoming legal. But you know what? No matter how special your relationship, no matter how close you are, nothing compares to hearing those age-old words spoken from the heart and given with earnest promise. Kman (who still does not like that moniker) is a gentle giant of man with a kind heart and strong values. He is truly my King Arthur on a white steed, but most of all, he is my best friend.”
I think mostly Pattie can't resist telling a good story, and she is just so dang Texas good at it. One of her all-time great posts is The Great Texas Buzzard Massacre which is not to be missed. I don’t want to give it away, you should read it for yourself. But here’s a snippet to get you started:
“Road kill. Buzzard buffet on the backroad. Between Glen Rose and Hico, I began to notice ominous flocks of turkey buzzards roosting in the last of winter's bare-limbed trees. Now, some fancy bird watchers - ornithologists - would say the correct term for this graceful, soaring bird is a vulture. To that I would answer, you can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits.”
Now click that link and go read the whole thing because it's gonna be the best laugh you have all day.