Trying to Get Old My Way
Friday, 02 November 2007
“Let go of youth. It is but a flower. To know old age is to dive deeply into the very roots of life. This is what is real, what is hidden from the young, what enriches and sustains us. Old age is not something that happens to us, it is who we are, embrace it - and be made whole.”
- - Dr. William H. Thomas, Time Goes By, 30 October 2007
On the day in 1996, when I realized I was no longer the youngest kid in the crowd, I began thinking about getting old. I was 55 then and about 95 percent of the popular literature on aging was negative – decline, debility and disease were the accepted hallmarks of age.
It’s still about the same, and we are deluged every day with exhortations to buy anti-aging potions, get Botoxed and have a surgeon cut us – all in the name of perpetual youth or, more realistically, a facsimile of youth.
None of it ever fools anyone, but in the decade since I first started wondering about what it’s like to get old, it has become not only more acceptable to use any and every means available to hide our age, it’s not far off to say it has almost become a requirement if you want a job or not be made invisible to the world around you.
The difficulty for me is that I don’t want to spend my old age being sorry I’m not young anymore, which is what all the advertising mandates, media stories and television programs encourage. I spent too much of my youth and midlife lamenting that I wasn’t skinny enough or pretty enough or smart enough. I’m too old now to be not good enough - in society’s eyes or my own - and regret is a waste of time.
But it is a struggle to stay in that state of mind when all around me youth is extolled as the only acceptable stage of life and I’m being told to look younger every time I flip through a magazine, read a newspaper or turn on television.
First, I don’t want to do anything that will change what I am physically becoming. I’m too curious to see how my face and body will age to do that. And if one gets caught up in the cultural and media imperative to behave in a younger manner than one feels, then the inner experience of getting old will be lost in the attempt to be something you are not.
Some confident souls appear to be immune to the culture’s love affair with youth and I admire them for coming to that with apparent ease. Some days I’m with them. But there are other days when, for example, I might notice the tight chin line of some older, well-surgeried celebrity and wish mine were like that too. I hate it when that happens.
As Dr. Thomas said on his blog, Changing Aging, the other day, "...the culture in which one lives can either enable or impede change in late life." Too often, it's impeding mine.
[At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Mort Reichek explains why Grandma Called Me Mutton.]
Amen!!!!!!! I have earned every line on my face and am mostly glad I'm not young anymore. Being young was damned hard work and I'm ready for a rest. Yeah, sometimes I look in the mirror and mourn the girl I once was but I'm, after a life of insecurity, reasonably happy with the woman I've become and the media can go to hell with all their "stay young" rhetoric.
Posted by: Kay Dennison | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 04:33 AM
Ronni You speak my kind of language. I am so glad I started reading blogs. I am meeting so many kindred spirits. Have a wonderful weekend Ernestine
Posted by: Ernestine | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 04:52 AM
Ronni,
We have all seen them. The ones wearing the smart turtleneck sweater with NO neck folds hanging over. The eyes with the wide awake look and NO bags. The cheek bones high and perfectly placed. The lips with the plumped look and glossy red glow.The 65 year old breasts, all perky and just the right size.
Yes, I've seen them all. Their faces has been pulled up so tight they don't have enough skin left to blink their eyes.
And yet.... I have seen quite a few of them asked by the teen aged cashier, "Do you want the Senior Citizen's Discount?"
Posted by: Nancy | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 06:35 AM
It's worse when you remain one of the few of your group with a sagging chin or overly rounded tummy.
Posted by: Mage | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 06:47 AM
"I’m too old now to be not good enough.." This is going to become one of my life's mottoes.
If we are not able to see clearly how we are being manipulated into futile, expensive, painful attempts to turn back the clock of time, we certainly deserve to be called old fools.
I belong to a generation of women who were told to study, work, go out and see the world before settling down to have children. With the result that many ran a desperate race against time in the last thirties trying to have children. These attempts were often unsuccessful, and when successful, rarely without intervention of some sort.
This experience has taught me that I am not going to listen to what anyone or everyone is saying about how to grow old gracefully. I'm going to grow older, the gods willing, all on my own. Through my own experiences, senses, and intelligence, I am going to be good enough to figure out how precious life is.
Posted by: lilalia | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 07:37 AM
I go through this same cycle of accepting and then resisting what is natural and part of a whole experience of living. The irony with the desire to look younger phobia in this country is that even the ones in their 30s are already succumbing to it with botox and other injections to plump and smooth. Amazing. At the age where they are actually at their peak of beauty, they are already injecting poison in their faces to look like they were 20 again-- or try. (Cher made that mistake and look at her face now-- a frozen mask and she does not look younger than 60 for all of that.) A lot of it is about selling products as so much is today. Natural, healthy aging makes nobody a profit-- except the one learning to do it.
Posted by: Rain | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 08:02 AM
Thanks, Ronni, and all the commenters here. Together we support each other in discovering how to be our authentic selves: aging, learning, sometimes struggling. When does paying attention to our presentation harm us and when does it add the right spice (like a dash of cinnamon in the oatmeal)? How to be beautiful in our unique way, without satin skin and lustrous locks. How to honor the particular beautyof elderhood--the wisdom, compassion and sass. I'm so glad to be a part of a community that is intelligently challenging our comsumer driven culture and seriously seeking something more.
Posted by: Sharry | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 08:13 AM
Consider this -- the way our consumer-obsessed society functions today, it's practically a declaration of revolution to let go of youth. It is subversive to the core to disdain advertisements, products and media mandates to worship youth. Some would even call it anti-American. But the problem truly lies at the heart of our American culture -- How, after an entire lifetime of bombardment by images lionizing youth as "beauty" are we supposed to just stop looking in the mirror and say it doesn't matter anymore? It's nearly impossible.
I’m saying this as a young man just approaching his 30's and in the "bloom" of youth. I know it would be nearly impossible for me if I tried today to stop comparing myself to the idealized, chiseled images of men I grew up with. And think how much harder it would be for a young woman to start ignoring the messages of our sex-driven media. So why would it get any easier the longer we live and the longer we're immersed in this culture? Of course it doesn't! That's why changing the way we think about aging has to start at the earliest age possible.
So I have a message specifically for those my age -- ELDERS CANNOT, and should not have to do this alone. What we need is an intergenerational revolution against our youth-obsessed culture, not a war between the young and old. Changing the values of our society as a whole begins by changing our values as individuals. And our values as individuals are merely reflections of our actions. So, "Changing Aging," as Dr. Thomas calls it, begins by changing how we as individuals live our lives and interact with those around us. We need to ask ourselves – do we value our elders? Do our actions reflect this?
Posted by: Kavan (ChangingAging.org web master) | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 08:20 AM
One advantage of becoming 80 is that you have finally let go of those days when you wished your chin was still firm and when you lamented the loss of the young woman who no longer looked at you in the mirror. I have, at last, reached the age of never caring when I see another sign of aging on my body. Now my wrinkles have wrinkles and I simply look at them in fascination.
Acceptance is another reward of being an elder. Just as the fear of death leaves, so does the false vanity of earlier years.
Posted by: Darlene | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 08:26 AM
The only thing I can do way faster than I did in my youth is get ready to go to town. When it comes to make-up, less is more for my face now.
I see something different in my mirror, but it is not bad. What I see is the incredible, undeniable, beauty of my mother's face...and I wonder if the change doesn't make me more precious to those that I love and those that love me in return. Based on the fact that my friends become more precious and more beautiful as time passes.
I think it does (in my own selfish way).
Posted by: Roberta S | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 01:10 PM
I'm with you lady and the other people commenting. I struggle all the time with this question. Probably most of my struggle comes from the fact that I'm a web developer, 59 years old, with almost everyone else in my office young enough to be my child or grandchild. Talk about feeling out of place. Fortunately I started working here 9 years ago (when I was 50) and am an integral part of a 10 person team. But I feel the age thing all the time, especially when I look in the mirror...I always wonder what clients think when they see me and I'm not in my 20s or 30s. I also teach new web technologies and wonder how the students feel about having this old lady teach them about something I'm not supposed to know about. Fortunately I have a great boss and he doesn't seem to care. Also fortunately I can still keep up, but recognize that this will not keep happening. I've been tempted to do some kind of face lift thing, whatever they do nowadays, but can't really afford it and know that it is only because I want to appear younger than I am for my job. And I don't really want that. I am what I am and all my life I've been just that. I don't have a husband or a significant other, so it's just me working myself into my 60's and it feels pretty lonely some of the time.
So trying to "embrace" this "old" me is a constant struggle.
Posted by: Sally | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 04:21 PM
I like your line about not wanting to change yourself because you're too curious and want to see the changes. I've been pretending I'm going blond and wondering how I'll look as a blond. But it's hard because I too feel weakened in my resolve to let my freak flag fly because of the culture. After catching some of Oprah today (makeovers) I was not tempted to color my hair, more angry that the show portrayed it as a fountain of youth that no intelligent woman would turn down. I thought some of the woman looked better before the make-over. And they never mentioned the upkeep or the potential toxins in dyes.
Posted by: colleen | Friday, 02 November 2007 at 05:28 PM
I think it's past time, Ronni, for you to allow all this cultural nonsense about aging impede your change in late life and ability to enjoy the process.
Still, I, too, question myself sometimes, so I guess it's reasuring to know that many of us have the same feelings and thoughts. More important is to acknowledge their presence, then let them go -- to focus on some joy(s) of the present.
I do think you and the rest of us need to keep doing exactly what we're doing -- what this blog is all about -- telling "what it's really like to get older.
Posted by: joared | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 12:08 AM
Love this site! I am glad to age, it sort of feels like I now have permission to be me..I no longer have to please my spouse, my children, kind and loving, I have always been, but kind and loving for others...and sometimes at my expense...no more! When the new me is not accepted, my reply is, yes, I still love you, but now I Choose to love me more! My needs and feeling come first. Yippee!! I have arrived......
Posted by: Jeannine Roy | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 04:48 AM
Interesting entry and comments. While I admit to having many of the same feelings physically that some of your readers do, when I turned the big 6-0 in March, I briefly had an emotional melt-down. But it wasn't for my looks or the subtle lines appearing on my face.....what bothers me the most about aging is that I have less time ahead of me than behind me. I mean it truly, really, bothered me for a few weeks after turning 60. I finally had to let go of it and focus on the here and now...because I know how important the present IS.
But I'm enjoying this stage of my life so much, I don't want to let it go. Time is passing way too quickly for me...I moved to Florida 20 years ago and it feels like yesterday. So...20 years from NOW, I'll be turning 80! I guess what I'm trying to say is....the physical doesn't affect me as much as the thought that I just might not be able to do and accomplish ALL that I want to in this lifetime.
Does anyone else feel this way or am I totally alone thinking these thoughts?
Posted by: Terri | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 09:09 AM
Terri and Ronni and Friends (I do not know) I loved this article and have two suggestions:
Re: hair color-highlighted hair is easier if you want to be a blonde - sort of - and it lasts for months;
Re: self acceptance - doing the best one is capable of till it can't be done anymore - no regrets
I too wish I had the energy and intellect to do something special with my life in these hopefully healthy "rusty years." I do so admire Hillary Clinton for the daunting task of running for President and the energy expansion involved. But I know my limitations and have to just be glad I can look "down" at the flowers in the cemetary rather then "up" at them.
Posted by: Sheila Halet | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 10:51 AM
I plan to put cerise and electric blue streaks in my white hair (Manic Panic--vegetable, and temporary) from time to time for the pure joy of it. Besides being fun, perhaps it will help get the message across to un- or mis-informed younger folks that ELDERS CANNOT BE PIGEON HOLED! Be your authentic self--a living billboard for truth, honesty, and reality. I do understand that attraction to buy in to the youth-defying mind set--the anti-aging industry advertising machine is well funded and well inculcated into our society. Just remind yourself that every tube of lipstick, every elective surgery, every skimpy bottle of wrinkle serum represents a world of pain and waste to animals, the environment, our peace of mind. Consider donating the cost of that lipstick or operation to your favorite charity, or a trip to a place you've always wanted to visit...
Posted by: Claudia | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 11:18 AM
Amen! Again! I'm finding aging my way gets in the way of Other People! Namely, friends and family that are into the dye this, why don't you try this cream/salve/balm/...ad nausea. I like looking at me 99% of the time, there's always a new something that wasn't there yesterday.
I don't know what 'old' is, haven't been there yet. But the cultural 'norm' is hide in a closet after 65, shut up after 60 and 'you can't wear that!' after 50.
As for me, don't like what I look like - don't look! And keep your 'I wish I was 20 again' song to yourself. It bores me.
Posted by: Georjina | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 11:54 AM
Terri,I think I sense and share some of what you are saying. I embrace aging and am not afraid of death. But I am sad about the prospect of not living. It is less about accomplishment and more about authentic, peaceful being.
Posted by: Judith | Saturday, 03 November 2007 at 12:47 PM
Excellent stuff, Ronni. I'm with you. With physical health & mind intact, this supposedly autumnal stage is proving to be life's best kept secret!
Posted by: Dick | Sunday, 04 November 2007 at 01:12 AM
Long time reader but first time poster here. I couldn't resist adding how much money all this effort to look younger than our years costs!
I retired at 55 from a job I truly loved but hey...I wanted more time for myself, but that's another email.
I was able to do that in no small part because I have decades behind me of NOT coloring my hair, not having acrylic nails to maintain, not buying frightfully expensive make-up or perfume, not buying a lot of trendy clothing every season, and carrying the same good leather purse for longer than you would believe.
In spite of those values I managed to look clean, neat, reasonably attractive for my age and still live within my means for the past 35 years.
Posted by: Tera | Sunday, 04 November 2007 at 02:36 PM
Ronni, Terri, I feel the same way. It feels great to know others experience similar feelings. Thank you for sharing..as I seem to say a lot while I read my favorite blogs. We all seem to stick together and have so many things to tell.....
Dorothy from grammalogy
please call your grandmother
http://grammology.com
Posted by: Dorothy Stahlnecker | Sunday, 04 November 2007 at 03:29 PM
Ronni, you've captured the heart of the matter.
It's not death we dread, it is irrelevance.
Dave Williams/Bompah
http://www.theagingofaquarius.com
Posted by: Dave Williams | Sunday, 04 November 2007 at 04:54 PM
I am fifty-six. Sometimes it is sad to look back at photos of myself when I was younger, and I realize all the years that just sort of zipped right by- just a nostalgic kind of sadness or rather a bittersweet.
I take better care of myself now that I am older especially my feet. I walk several miles a day while listening to music. I feel so full of life and so happy when I walk.
I don't look in the mirror as much as I once did. I stopped coloring my hair two years ago. I, too, am enjoying seeing the physical changes.
I just want a face that looks calm, gentle and somewhat devilish.
I am lucky to be alive and healthy at fifty-six. I have already lost many friends of my age to stroke and heart attacks and cancer.
No plastic surgery. It is against my values. There are plenty of places that can use my dollars more than my face can.
p.
Posted by: paula | Sunday, 04 November 2007 at 05:34 PM
I have found that as I get older, there is a certain confidence that just radiates. I am 41 and I am enjoying the changes my body is making. Sure, I am not a tight little thing anymore, but I feel simply brilliant and confident. Most 20 year olds don't have a clue.
CP
Posted by: CP | Monday, 05 November 2007 at 12:15 AM
I had a stroke at fifty that changed my life dramatically. Life at 66 is a matter of noticably wearing out and letting go while learning new things. Most of the time it works, and for that I am very grateful.
Posted by: Mage | Monday, 05 November 2007 at 03:02 PM
Thanks to all of you who have contributed to this blog.
The comfort of these comments mean so much. Joan
Posted by: Joan | Tuesday, 13 November 2007 at 05:25 AM