As Old as You Are, As Old as You Feel - It's All the Same
Friday, 05 December 2008
[EDITORIAL NOTE: I've forgotten to mention this week that if you have any recent blog posts that would be good for the Sunday Issues, please get links to me by the end of today.]
It has been awhile, but I’ve often objected on this blog to such statements as “I’m 70, but I don’t feel that old” and “Gee, you don’t look that old” as absurd. Whatever you feel or look like at a given age is what that age looks or feels like for you.
The absurdity of these statements is further revealed in that no one, except to occasionally acknowledge lack of a night's sleep or an overindulgence, ever says, "I'm 70, but I feel 80" or "Gee, you look older than that." It stands to reason that if some think they feel younger than their chronological age, some others would believe they feel older. But it doesn't happen.
Aging, unlike childhood and adolescence, is individual. There is no norm. Infants are expected to sit up, walk, talk, etc. by a specific age measured in months, even weeks, of life and if they don’t, it can be cause for concern.
At the other end of life, it’s not so simple. Some 50-year-olds can become decrepit while some 80-year-olds are still cognitively sharp and physically fit. Where you fall in the spectrum as you get older is due to a combination of health, genes, dumb luck and, I would add, attitude – by which I mean acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s age.
Now, a new study, conducted jointly by researchers at the University of Michigan and the Max Planck Institute in Berlin, purports to find that people 70 and older tend to feel about 13 years younger than their chronological age.
"’We examined individual changes over time, and expected the gap to increase. But we were surprised to find that it was maintained, on average. Perhaps feeling about 13 years younger is an optimal illusion in old age,’ [said Jacqui Smith, a psychologist at the University of Michigan].”
“Illusion” is the key word or, more precisely, “delusion.” A 70-year-old, even one who is healthy as a horse, who doesn’t feel any different from when he or she was 57 is delusional. One simple example is that when I was 54, I could still race through cleaning the entire house in three or four hours on Saturday morning. Today, at 67, I’m reduced to cleaning one room a day unless, doing it all at once, I want to lose the rest of the day to napping.
It is hard to know what the study is measuring, and I suspect that both the researchers and the subjects are unconscious victims of ageism inculcated in Western minds from the cradle. If getting old and its consequences were not universally believed to be abhorrent, if old age were not seen to make people inadequate and useless, if youth were not upheld in every nook and cranny of society as the gold standard of life, no one would claim to feel younger than they are and the question – how old do you feel? - would be recognized as meaningless.
"’Feeling positive about getting older may well be associated with remaining active and experiencing better health in old age,’ [Smith] said. ‘Thus, studies on self-perceptions of aging can contribute to our understanding of potential indicators of resilience in older adults and the aging self.’"
She has missed the point. By assuming that feeling younger than we are in chronological years (absurd as the idea is) is an indication of health and resilience, she ignores the cultural imperative to always appear young which infects the subjects as well as the researchers and flaws the study.
I don't know the ages of the researchers, but I am willing to bet that none at Michigan or the Planck Institute is older than 50. Asking relative youngsters to devise a study of elders on a subjective topic, is like asking children to run a study on why adults marry the people they do. You probably would get some fun results, but they would have no validity.
All studies on subjective topics regarding elders should include at least one elder on the research team. We all have experience at being younger, but no one has experience at being older until they get there.
In this case of this study, any serious elder not pursuing perpetual youth through Botox, cosmetic surgery or other means would know that the question is nonsensical. In place of “What age do you feel?” the more productive question is “Describe what 60, 70, 80 or whatever feels like.”
Life is ever-changing. For me, at 67, it is as different from ten years ago as midlife was from my 20s. It's slower now and more contemplative than at any previous time, although not inactive. I’m smarter in some ways with a vast store of experience and knowledge to call upon and I’ve let go of some of the vanities that were once important to me, including the perceived youthfulness (now a lack thereof) of my appearance.
Plus, contrary to conventional wisdom (that we mellow as we age), I’m pleasantly surprised to find that I grow more fierce in my animosity to injustice (along with dumb research assumptions) when-, where- and however it occurs.
What about you?
[At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Brenton "Sandy" Dickson tells us how building a dollhouse is like weathering hard times in Mind Over Matter.]
One HUGE factor not noted is employment. That alone changes our perception on everything. I am definitely a different person than the one I was at 58, a mere ten years ago. But it was retirement that changed me. Today, I feel like I'm 68. I feel like me. And I expect to feel the same tomorrow.
What a waste of time and money.
Posted by: Steven | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 04:21 AM
If I compare myself today to myself years ago there is a whole list of things that have been compromised from sex to smell to energy level to memory. My doctor says that I am in excellent health (I do not know if he is silently adding 'for your age.') I am more thoughtful and I do think I have a less myopic view of life. Contrary to what is said about the elderly, I can bite my tongue when I need to.
Posted by: Tabor | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 04:30 AM
Marvellous post, Ronni! This inane syllogism - 'When I am young I feel fit, so if I feel fit when I get old that means I'm younger than I really am' - drives me to distraction also. It is like a weed that grows everywhere in our culture. But we must all keep on with the weed-whacking. (Sigh)
Re the changes of elderhood: I totally agree with James Hillman, who says in his book The Force of Character that as we age we become more and more who we are. So our mellowness gets mellower and our fierceness gets fiercer. We become more authentically ourselves. If we dare, that is. Not every elder dares. It all depends how deep the cultural and family conditioning has gone. Some might have to wait till Alzheimers affects their frontal lobes and lifts off the inhibitions!
Posted by: Marian Van Eyk McCain | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 05:34 AM
"At the other end of life, it’s not so simple. Some 50-year-olds can become decrepit while some 80-year-olds are still cognitively sharp and physically fit. Where you fall in the spectrum as you get older is due to a combination of health, genes, dumb luck and, I would add, attitude – by which I mean acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s age."
Hear,Hear, Ronni. I am proud to have lived to be 80. I LOVE it! It is so much fun to be able to make fun of how old you are and make people smile at your remarks.
Yesterday, in response to a story by Jo on your other site,Elder Story Telling, I had a good time telling her that I hadn't seen my real hair color in years but assumed it must be gray because I am 80 years old. I mentioned that I dumped a bucket of L'Oreal Ash Blonde on it every couple of months and that did the trick. I only look 79!
Posted by: Nancy | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 05:41 AM
One of the benefits of the internet -- at least for me -- is that I don't know the age of the people I'm interacting with, and they don't know my age. We're all just people. That's the way I like it.
Of course, I don't go to youth-oriented sites, but the ones I do go to don't care about age at all. Even reading and conversing here is age-less to me. We're all just people.
I like the statement of Hillman's that Marian quoted, "as we age we become more and more who we are." I feel more who I am than I think I ever have. And day by day, I'm casting aside the follies and masks that I assumed when I was younger to "get by."
And I enjoy this self of mine as I interact with others on the internet. I can appreciate others for who they are, and they can appreciate me for who I am. It's a good feeling.
Posted by: Mike Nichols | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 06:40 AM
Terrific post Ronni.
Mentally, I can feel much younger as well as much older than my age depending on the day. Physically, I know my age. I enjoy swimming laps and attending exercise classes. However, these activities are done with the knowledge that the rest of the day or evening will be spent either napping or just sitting reading or watching TV. At 66, I am not who I was at 56 or probably even 60.
Just last week, my 84 year old neighbor called to tell me about a minor accident with her car. It was not her fault, but she agreed not to contact the police or insurance company for fear of her license being in jeopardy due to her age. She paid out of pocket whatever the repairs were "claimed" to be. Grrrrrrr!!
I was never mellow. I abhor injustice and suffering. Who can be mellow and conscious I wonder.
Posted by: Claire Jean | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 06:56 AM
Yes, excellent post & comments.
And in addition to "...becom[ing] more and more who we are", I find that my experience gives me more courage to become all that I can be. I'm more & more willing to speak what is true for me, and I expect that to grow as my experience grows. I'm less concerned with my image. And more certain every day that it is not my job (any longer :)) to change people.
'Biting my tongue' is gradually becoming a different kind of silence. at last.
Posted by: Kate | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 07:10 AM
I am so pleased that Marian pointed out that as we age we become more and more who we are. I am not who I was a year ago and it will continue to change. I like it. It has taken a long time to become "me". I know longer wear a mask or try to be something I am not. Through this aging process I find I truly like myself. Maybe I had to to through all the other junk to find me?
Posted by: Ernestine | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 07:40 AM
Interesting thoughts. I do say I feel like a hundred sometimes but if I think seriously about it, having been close to people in their 90s, I realize I don't actually. So I guess I feel like I am 10 years older than I am at times but it's not dramatic enough to satisfy the way I am feeling.
Thanksgiving my almost 5 year old grandson asked why I had gray hair. I said because I am old and I choose to not dye it which would be an option. It doesn't take media (he gets very little television) for people to notice the differences in aging. He is not the first grandchild to ask that either. This summer, the ten year old said when she got gray hair, she'd dye it :)
Posted by: Rain | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 07:58 AM
Although I agree with a lot of what you say, Ronni, I wouldn't want to dismiss this piece of research as useless. It's obvious that we (the ageing -- thus everyone) think about this subject, so to enquire into it with some sort of systematic rigor is fine. Rather than assign a single old person to every research team on the social and psychological aspects of ageing, I think it would be interesting to compare the results of two, or possibly 3 groups of researchers, of varying age composition. I wonder what sort of bias the age of the researchers would introduce. Controlling variables in cell biology is hard enough. It's virtually impossible in studies that get into these mushy areas.
Posted by: Anne Gibert | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 08:04 AM
Terrific post! I'm 75, I'm healthy, but damnit I do look my age, but hey! I had a lot of fun getting here and I'm still enjoying every day. I have days when I don't feel as good as I'd like to, I have learned to slow down -- I practically ran through the first 65 years of my life, didn't retire until I was 67. I have become more thoughtful about almost everything. Guess many of us feel that it has taken all these years to get to know who we really are and be at peace with that person and that's the best part of being where I am now. I'm happy, have few regrets, have forgiven myself for the dumb things I've done over the years and accept myself for who and what I am. Also, not trying to change others -- particularly my children. Acceptance of the things I can't change. Being willing to admit I don't know it all. Giving my love to those around me without expecting some kind of payment in return. And most of all finding something beautiful in every day. For me, I guess those are some of the best things about being 75.
Posted by: Sylvia Kirkwood | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 08:08 AM
How does one "feel" an age? An age is not an emotion, physical sensation, etc. It is a measure of passing time. The time has passed; therefore I am the age I am now. I do not "feel" that age. I cannot touch it and it's not an emotion. That's just silly.
That said - I had to note re your early comment about children that the milestones are in fact general and some children will differ in when they hit them by months without it being any cause for concern. (As I've recently been told, being as we're to have one of our own.) Yes, months is much shorter than years, but still - our culture seems to have this obsession with saying "at age X, you will Y". As if people were ever that predictable, or should be!
Posted by: Laura | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 08:31 AM
I agree that growing old has many benefits and I truly appreciate my friends, family, general good health and my eyesight. However, I mourn my loss of mobility. In my dreams, I am often running freely, walking without a cane, hiking in the woods, or riding my bicycle. I miss being able to go out in the winter without fear of falling on ice. I wish I could wear pretty shoes again instead of my clunky tie oxfords with the orthopedic inserts. I’m glad I did what I could when I could, though. Old age has surprised me. I didn’t expect that it would happen so fast and certainly not to me.
Posted by: Chrissy McB | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 12:20 PM
I like what Chrissy said
"Old age has surprised me. I didn’t expect that it would happen so fast and certainly not to me."
My mind and attitude are sharp and positive but sometimes recently I get tired of the aches and pains of even my healthy normal aging.
Posted by: Chancy | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 01:26 PM
Chrissay and Chancy said a mouth full.
I didn't think it would happen so fast to me either.
It was just November and here it is December - It was just the year 2000 and here it is 2008!
As far as those homely tie oxfords, I'm glad I found a shoe that I can walk in. That's what slacks are good for, they hide those homely shoes.
Posted by: millie garfield | Friday, 05 December 2008 at 04:44 PM
I started feeling older than my birth age some time ago for a health-related reason. I only admit this to medical professionals, as such a statement worries family, is an obstacle to employment (and I am not old enough to retire and may never be, given the economy), depresses friends and acquaintances, and is no one else's business.
Posted by: TropiGal | Saturday, 06 December 2008 at 07:16 AM
Absolutely! The older I get:
1) the more acutely I appreciate everything I have, and
2) the more ticked off I get with injustices, and
3) the more time I have to write letters to let someone KNOW how ticked off I am.
Ha! That's one of my favorite things about being retired. There's time to write those letters I always threatened to write when I was working! :)
Posted by: Nikki | Saturday, 06 December 2008 at 07:36 AM
I've long supported your point that we all age differently, a fact too often ignored by those writing about or selling to us as we get older. I concur also with your view that:
"Where you fall in the spectrum as you get older is due to a combination of health, genes, dumb luck and, I would add, attitude – by which I mean acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s age."
When I consider myself and others I've encountered, I believe there are individuals anywhere along the aging continuum who may truly feel much as they did at some earlier age. Just because everybody doesn't feel that way, doesn't mean others can't, or that this will always be true as they continue to age.
I do wonder about characterizing these others differing aging experiences, perceptions and attitudes as being an "illusion" or "delusion." Some may actually be having this experience in their aging process. Their situation may change the next minute, hour, or day, but for now I say it's not only possible, but likely they're very realistic about themselves.
Posted by: joared | Saturday, 06 December 2008 at 08:37 PM
I'm beginning to come into myself more and more the longer I'm retired. After almost 40 years of teaching in a small town, I managed to keep my job by not revealing all my thoughts and opinions. It's such a habit that I haven't broken out of yet. I've always known who I was inside and held on to that but haven't let everyone else know. I guess that's just survival, though, isn't it?
Posted by: Joy D | Friday, 12 December 2008 at 02:36 PM