Acceptance of Our (Old) Selves
Friday, 26 February 2010
There are a lot of interesting comments to Wednesday's post about Liking Growing Old and I want to mention a few.
It's not giving away any secret to tell you that Darlene, who blogs at Darlene's Hodgepodge, is well into her ninth decade. She wrote:
“I don't like walking like a cartoon character of an old lady...”
Darlene – listen to geriatrician Bill Thomas, who blogs at Changing Aging, from his book, What are Old People For?:
“Compared with the fluid stride of youth...an older person can seem tentative and ungainly. This appearance is deceiving. The reality is that older people execute a highly evolved, richly detailed strategy that maintains upright ambulation into the last decades of life...
“The shuffling gait keeps the feet close to the ground and maximizes input from position sensors. The stance is widened to improve balance. The number of steps taken per minute is decreased to accommodate changes in endurance and to allow for increased reaction time.
“Keeping a human body upright and moving is a spectacular feat of coordination and reaction under any circumstances. Doing so in the ninth decade of life magnifies rather than diminishes the beauty of this achievement.” [emphasis added]
Younger people may not understand your achievement, Darlene, but you should take a bow anyway.
Marian Van Eyk McCain of elderwomanblog wrote:
"I learned years ago from the Vietnamese teacher of 'engaged Buddhism' Thich Nhat Hanh, that in order to retain optimum efficiency it is wise to limit one's exposure to pollution - of all kinds."
Chancy of driftwoodinspiration agrees. And so do I – except, that nothing changes without action and somebody needs to take on the bad guys. I seem to have appointed myself. And Marian, avoiding pollution notwithstanding, you do an awfully good job of arguing against ageism at your blog.
Following on my disgust with such phrases as “you are as young (or old) as you feel,” Rain of Rainy Day Thoughts, wrote,
“Why would I want to feel young when I am the age I am? Why would I think the young enjoy life more than the old?”
Right on, Rain. The problem with using the word “young” to describe how old people feel is that it assumes youth is the gold standard of life and, repeated thousands of times a day throughout the land, it reinforces the idea that being old is terrible, that all old people yearn to be young again.
Much better is to talk about feeling “good” as we have at all previous ages.
Elizabeth Rogers said,
“I'm not quite 'there' yet as far as surrendering all attempts to maintain vestiges of my earlier appearance.”
It is a process for all of us, Elizabeth, and it is hard work to overcome a prejudice repeated in many subtle and overt ways nearly every day of our lives from the cradle. My awakening began nearly 15 years ago and it's taken that long to reach the not-quite-yet total acceptance of age I have now.
No one tells me, “You don't look that old” anymore, but younger people I meet often say, “You don't act that old.” I silently preen while hating myself for it. Lately, I've taken to adapting Gloria Steinem's famous response to being told she didn't look 40: “This is what old acts like these days,” I say.
But let me be perfectly clear:
Every time a hair dresser urges coloring your gray hair
Every time an exercise instructor makes fun of old people in class
Every time the word “young” is used to describe an elder
Every time the word “old” is used as a pejorative
Every time a comedian trashes elders with incontinence jokes
Every time an old person lies about his/her age
...it diminishes, marginalizes and harms all old people. Ageism, which is the source of age discrimination, is as shameful and vicious as sexism and racism. It will end when we elders accept ourselves as we are and continue to point out ageism whenever it occurs – even in ourselves, until we are fully evolved into elderhood.
At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Mary B Summerlin: Water Aerobics (In an accident of timing, Mary's story is an excellent companion piece to my post today.)
Hello. This is my first post though I have been reading Time Goes By regularly ever since I followed Saul Friedman here. And I am profoundly grateful to him as I have been enrichened by finding you all. I am 58 and have an 88-year-old mother who is "younger" than I am. I sometimes feel that I relate to the posts more than she does (though she did thank me for sending her the link to this website). Thank you, Ronni, and thank all of you who post here. laura
Posted by: laura gordon | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 05:02 AM
Thanks to you Ronni, I have become an advocate for the word 'elder' to replace 'senior'. I do it all of the time now and even among those who resisted, I am seeing some progress as they realize that 'elder' is another word for the wise among us. Something to be proud of! Seniors? That's what marketers and those who would take advantage call us. Seniors follow Juniors in high school. We're elders and proud of it!
Posted by: Steven | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 06:27 AM
Ageism has got to go! I have included a lot of material about ageism in my musical play A New Wrinkle because it is not acceptable just how ho-hum people are about ageism. It is such an unchallenged form of toxic bias. My play features characters including the Russian folklore hag Baba Yaga, Hip Hop Elder and a woman whose split personality catapults her back and forth between being Barbie the doll and a person teaching a class on positive aging. Hip Hop Elder sings a rant and here are a few of the lines.
"Who brainwashed who to the belief that old age is a bad disease? You people are obsessed and dense: in spite of all the evidence of wellbeing and longevity you insist aging's a catastrophe that guarantees senility..." and he also says this: "If you try to put me on ice because I'm old, then ain't it clear that my being nice is too high a price? I ain't your sweet little old man--damn!"
Ageism has got to go and we all have to take part in that change of consciousness.
Posted by: Gaea Yudron | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 07:00 AM
One good thing about living the “third trimester” of life in bad times is that it works against any sense of envy regarding the young. Listen to the music they have to live with, the “heroes” and idols and role models. Look at politics, and health care, jobs, air and water—and so much else. If timing is everything, Darlene’s has been almost perfect.
Posted by: barry knister | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 08:58 AM
This whole thing of putting down the old is mystifying to me. It wasn't how I was raised to think. It's very sad that we cannot glory in being fortunate enough to get here. We should be examples of how to live it fully. The pressure is great to regress but it doesn't really work. People can get those face lifts but then they no longer look like themselves. Why not enjoy what we have and are. As you said, set a new standard for what that means and it doesn't mean trying to pretend we are 30 again.
Posted by: Rain | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 09:18 AM
Maybe it's time to take a page from the past:
"Say it loud, 'I'm old and I'm proud!'"
Because if we ourselves are ashamed to be older then there is no hope for changing anyone else's thinking.
Posted by: la peregrina | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 11:55 AM
Which, actually, is what Ronni is doing with this blog.
Posted by: la peregrina | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 11:56 AM
In my exercise classes, the elders kick the young people's asses. They don't make fun of us, that's for sure.
It's great fun to go into a yoga class, see the kids snicker a bit, and then do three chatarangas while they struglle. Makes my day. ;^)
Posted by: donna | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 12:33 PM
I, too, am confused about how old people are regarded. When did all of this seem to be okay to so many?
And how about old people who join in the mix?
When I complain, my friend who is my same age, tells me that I'm just too sensitive. I know she's wrong, but it does not seem to bother her.
Posted by: Claire Jean | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 12:36 PM
I've got a feeling that ageism is going to have a tough time standing up to the kind of consciousness-raising we Boomers, in our great numbers, are rightly known for. Now, we just have to start with ourselves...as you do here so well, Ronni. A great primer.
Posted by: Nance | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 01:24 PM
Do the "perks", such as special admission prices for "seniors" play any part in this discussion? What message are they sending? I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I can pay my way the same as younger folks, but, on the other, why pass up a good deal?
Posted by: Tarzana | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 03:14 PM
Around here there aren't any special admission prices for older people, but if there were it wouldn't bother me. My income now is very small. I don't mind being called a senior instead of an elder and have gotten used to being considered "elderly," and having even my doctor say, "at your age..." What I do hate is people who think it's cute to call me "young lady." Ugh. Do they think that's flattery?
Posted by: joni | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 05:49 PM
You got it.
Posted by: Mage B | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 07:07 PM
Darlene may walk like a caricature (in her words), but her mind is sharper than most people half her age!!
Posted by: kenju | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 08:52 PM
Thanks a lot for this useful and great article.
You're my favorite.
Posted by: matematik | Friday, 26 February 2010 at 10:09 PM
I agree with Kenju-age is a state of mind and like Marcus Aurelius says one should live in the moment....everyday is a present!!!! What difference what you are called - just so long as you are on the right side of the grass to hear it. Hear Hear Ronni!!!
Posted by: Sheila Halet | Saturday, 27 February 2010 at 09:52 AM
With our age segregation younger people don't know how to interact with older people. They either placate us or make fun of us or whatever.
I am working on desegretating our society by age. I plan to talk to school groups about my Rosie the Riveter experiences and my husband's WWII ambulance driving.
Most younger people don't have many older friends and so they don't know how to interact. When I talk about dancing or going on stage at almost age 90 people say, "Oh, isn't that nice that you keep active." As if it is a miracle that I can even walk.
But things are improving and I am now an experienced standup comic and am making my mark in integrating the comedy stage. A young comic friend suggested that I enter the America's Got Talent contest so I am submitting a video as I don't drive to Portland which is the nearest audition site.
Let you know later how it all turned out.
Posted by: Georgie Bright Kunkel | Saturday, 27 February 2010 at 11:11 AM
I don't envy young people. The best time in my life is now.
Posted by: Hattie | Saturday, 27 February 2010 at 06:46 PM
It's "the best of times and the worst of times". I thoroughly enjoy my escape from the rat race, the freedom to do what i want to do, when I want to do it and the confidence that comes from having ";been ther and done that". But there are frequent moments of pain and suffering when I see my peers dying or coming close to the end and know that one day, not that long from now, when put in context with the time I've already spent on this planet, I will those who have already passed. Indeed, the fear of death is not that significant but the fear of falling apart physically and mentally is real.
Posted by: mythster | Sunday, 28 February 2010 at 09:34 PM
this is a comment.
Posted by: millie garfield | Thursday, 04 March 2010 at 10:53 AM