Hardly a day passes that some media person – a television reporter, perhaps, a local newspaper columnist or a self-appointed aging guru – gives us a list of things to do to “age well.” There is never anything new on these lists; the items are almost always culled from quick visits to such websites as WebMD and the Mayo Clinic.
In fact, on some occasions when Crabby Old Lady has had a few minutes on her hands and is particularly irritated by a list presented as though it were a revelation from heaven, she has checked those websites to find that the writer or reporter has lifted the advice word-for-word without attribution.
Now Crabby could go on with this minor rant and bore you to death. But she has an old friend, a funny old friend, named Lewis Grossberger who blogs at True/Slant and is much more clever than Crabby. He begins:
“...thanks to the quickly developing discipline of seniorific ancientology, we know more than ever about how to remain vigorous, alert and sexually active at an age when most people don’t really feel like being any of those things.”
Here are a few of the lessons Lew has culled from those annoying, repetitive advice-givers:
”Eat fresh, wholesome and nutritious meals three times a day. This is a drastic change from the previous recommendations, which were to eat sweet, fattening, stale foods washed down with malt liquor.
“Make sure you have a lot of money. Surprising as it may seem, money has been found to shield people from many harsh realities that can afflict the aged, such as homelessness, poverty, starvation and nakedness. How much money do you need? A good formula is to take your age and add five zeros to it.
“Take lots of pills. It’s perfectly legal! You get pills from doctors, so make sure you visit plenty of them. They will all prescribe pills for you. You don’t even have to ask. Remembering which pills to take at what time will give you a purpose in life, without which you will grow listless and die.”
There is more of this good advice at Lew's blog.
At The Elder Storytelling Place today, Linda Chaput: The Flour Shaker