Fear of Getting Old
Thursday, 10 June 2010
EDITORIAL NOTE: Another elderblogger has sent in a photo of her computer space. You can see TechnoBabe's work room here. You can find a list of other elderbloggers' work spaces here and get instructions here for including a photo of your blogging place.
Unpacking and settling into a new home is an excellent time for contemplation. The work is relatively mindless and the physical activity keeps blood flowing to the brain.
One of the topics taking up space in there has been fear of aging. It is bred into us from cradle and is responsible for ageism and and age discrimination in all their forms, for people lying about their age, for 30-year-olds believing they are over the hill and for the billions of dollars wasted on Botox and cosmetic surgery.
It doesn't matter how many ways you try to deny your age or how much money you spend on nips and tucks and potions and creams, you will get old and if you live long enough, you will look your age.
All that denial is not really about getting old; it's about being reminded that we will die. A healthy fear of death is good; it keeps us from doing stupid things that might kill us before our time. But we – western culture – have gone way too far in pretending that death doesn't exist, depriving ourselves of the conscious experience of getting old.
Because of keeping this blog, I probably spend more time than many people thinking about what getting old is really like. We have often discussed here how we are happy to leave behind the concern for our appearance that took up so much time and effort in our youth. We like the patience and tolerance we have gained, the diminished need to always be right and I especially appreciate my new-found ability to let it go, when I've been thwarted in a goal, without the drama I created about it when I was young and even middle-aged.
More genuinely than in my youth, I can be pleased for others' accomplishments even when they impinge on my beliefs about my talents and capabilities. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others, and I am much more interested in the external world than myself.
As I think I've mentioned before, nowadays I eat ice cream, only ice cream, for dinner when I feel like it without a twinge of guilt; I haven't owned a belt in at least ten years.
All of these changes have happened without effort. They came along little by little on their own and I noticed most of them only in retrospect, after they had become part of my being.
A more recent change that interests me is how I have slowed down physically. Unless I'm fooling myself, it's not that I can't move as quickly as I did last month or last year, it's that I don't see the point of rushing. I have no job to get to, no deadlines to meet, no one who will find fault if I don't finish (whatever) today.
It feels like a burden lifted from my shoulders and even better, without the self-imposed pressure to finish in some arbitrary period, it gives me a lot more time to pay attention to what's going on around me and in my mind.
What I feel is missing are more voices about these kinds of changes in behavior and attitude that happen as we get older. Childhood, adolescence and midlife have been sliced and diced into the most minute of pieces by psychologists and psychiatrists, but there has been little interest in studying the developmental changes in old people.
Most of what exists in this area is about loneliness, fear and illness. But it is usually written by people who are not old and who are filled, still, with the fear of becoming so which, I believe, negatively colors their observations and conclusions.
I'm not dismissing the sobering sides of aging; I'm suggesting they are not as fearful (including death) as the mainstream culture of not-yet-old people believes.
At The Elder Storytelling Place today, D. Sugar: Remembering Woodstock
Ronni - your sharing is what encouraged me 3 years ago to start writing and sharing my life.
After reading your post - this early morning - all I can say that now in the middle of my 3 score and 10 years and finally settled "back" in my homeplace in a smaller home "I am happier and more at peace then any other time in my life".
Posted by: ernestine | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 05:48 AM
Beautifully and concisely summed up.
There are certain things that only the perspective of age can truly understand and appreciate.
I often think of the wry comment, "Youth is wasted on the young," made, I think, by George Bernard Shaw.
Posted by: Estelle D | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 06:10 AM
Recently I have seen several studies that claim the old are happiest. I don't really know that I am happiest or not happiest. The one thing for sure is that aging is real and to deny it wastes what time we have.
Posted by: Rain | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 06:40 AM
I am certainly happiest now in this time of life. I do not like how I look because I think smooth skin without spots is more lovely...yes, yes, aged skin tells a story, but that is not what I am talking about.
I also regret the diminished capacity of my senses. I like to take pictures and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. My hands are not as still as I would like. My memory is so bad it is hard to laugh at it anymore.
The trade off is reasonably good health, lots of free time, no longer worrying about what others think.
I guess it is all about balance. You cannot have it all.
Posted by: Tabor | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 06:53 AM
I agree that "slowing down" physically, whether by choice or physiology, allows more time to pay attention of what is outside of one and what is inside. For me, that translates to more stress-free enjoyment of simple pleasures.
Posted by: Linda Skupien | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 07:06 AM
I'm happy and at peace with my life but not with the state of my body. I rant and rail about the wearing out process every day.
I leave the house armored in wrist braces, despite three hand surgeries, and compression stockings. Some days I can no longer walk...but do it any way. Other days, but not all, leave me panting as I struggle either in the pool or sidewalk along side the bay.
Today I am taking the day off from struggling. Tomorrow I will dive back in with an outward sense of humor, but inwardly I will still grumble the braces and stockings. Perhaps I am just crabby old lady reincarnated down the coast from you today. :)
Posted by: Mage B | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 07:19 AM
I've always been more of a "tortoise" than a "hare", so like I've said in previous comments, I think I will really enjoy retirement. As it is now, on a day off I might do a little yardwork or cleaning, but most of the day will be puttering around, maybe watching an old movie on TCM.
Your comment about not rushing anymore reminded me of my sister, who is a typical Type A. She is 63, retired and volunteers at the Library of Congress. In the middle of the day one federal holiday this year I saw that the wonderful movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" was on. I called my sister to let her know. She called me after the movie and thanked me so much for letting her know. She told me she normally would NEVER stop in the middle of a job (cleaning) for something as indulgent as just sitting watching a movie. I think she does it more often now!
Posted by: possumlady | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 07:23 AM
Perhaps it could be said that aging is "The Sword of Damocles" For anyone not familiar with the original story from Cicero, here's a re-cap:
Dionysius ordered everything to be prepared for Damocles to experience what life as Dionysius [the emperor] was like. Damocles was enjoying himself immensely... until he noticed a sharp sword hovering over his head, that was suspended from the ceiling by a horse hair. This, the tyrant explained to Damocles, was what life as ruler was really like.
We, the Elders, live with the sword suspended above us. We can see it (i.e. death) hovering close above us but we are free to live our lives, free from many of the burdensome preoccupations that haunted us in our youth (appearance, status, jobs, family responsibilities etc)
I now can "go where I want to go, do what I want to do..." but I must be ever mindful of what hangs over my head. It isn't a bad thing really - it really helps to know that you may not have a chance to undo tomorrow any wrongs you might do today.
When I was a kid, before WWII, there was a guy on the Arthur Godfrey Radio Show who sang the theme song every morning "Try and LIve Today so Tomorrow You can Say- What a Wonderful Yesterday"
That's All Folks
Posted by: mythster | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 08:05 AM
The relentless aging of the body is a very personal struggle to come to terms with (with which to come to terms?*smile*) For some with life partners, there is a co-aging process which variously impacts the aging experience. Ronni, I get a tiny bit envious of your freedom to live your own life without factoring in someone else's agenda. Of course, there are those who appreciate having company on the journey. Perhaps the issues of partnered aging/solo aging could be hashed over in this space someday.
Posted by: Tarzana | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 08:59 AM
I think Tarzana has a point.Balancing someone else's agenda with our own needs can be rewarding but it is not always easy.Partnered aging is different than solo aging. Some of us will have experienced both before our end.
Several years ago an elderly couple down the street were both showing their age. She died. A neighbor's mother-in-law who had known the couple for years said she had hoped he would go first so the the woman might have a couple of years for herself before she died.
Genie
Posted by: Genie | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 09:54 AM
Thanks, Ronni, for the link to show my home work space. This is a good post as always and stimulates conversation. I am four years older than my hubby but at this age what does that matter? I for one have not had a problem with the aging process. Each stage has a purpose and I learn so much each year. Each day.
Posted by: Technobabe | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 10:01 AM
As I read your post, Ronni, and I am comforted that you are noticing things and the hounding voices that demand compliance to others expectations are finding the heels of someone else to snap at (one suspects that is the case, since they seem to beyond any smiting).
I have had a really rough decade over the aging issue. I struggle to keep a healthy perspective as I am still working and the issue is constantly challenging in that environment. Your blog has helped me immensely. Since you are in an accessible mood, I hope you take comfort in all the people you have helped because there are quite a few, it seems. Certainly you have helped me.
BTW Thanks for the Damocles story, mythster. My muse grabbed on to that and ran down the chambers of my right brain to stash that for it's appropriate application at a later date, I assure you!
Posted by: Cile | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 11:33 AM
One thing that has helped me with my own fear of aging--something that comes up pretty strongly for me as caregiver of my aging father--is the work of Lars Tornstam, a Swedish gerontologist. His book, Gerotranscendence, outlines his own struggle with ageism and the results of his research into the inner lives of the very old. He has identified a here-to-fore unreported and unexamined stage of adult development that he calls gerotranscendence.
Tornstam's work provides scientific support for Carl Jung's theory of individuation. People at this stage of development have a sense of union with the universe, find joy in small everyday experiences like the wind in the trees and experience time in a different way.
Some of these qualities can be mistaken for depression or dementia, as folks in this stage prefer different kinds of social interactions and are not interested in acquiring more goods, but in living with less.
Tornstam very strongly makes the point that we cannot judge the very old by our own standards for health or well-being. I think his ideas need to be more widely disseminated. As you pointed out there isn't much out there that gives us a different, more optimistic and hopefully more true idea of what it can be like to reach very old age.
Posted by: Carol | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 12:26 PM
One thing I have noticed in my contemporaries is their acceptance of the infirmities of aging. When we are young we are usually angry if anything interferes with our plans, but when we are old we have learned that 'stuff happens' and we deal with it.
As for death, we start dying the moment we are born. It can happen at any age and I, for one, am glad that I have had the good fortune to live as many years as I have.
There is great peace in learning to accept the inevitable. I am probably more content with my life now than at any time during the previous years.
Posted by: Darlene | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 12:30 PM
I really don't give a hoot what psychologists or psychiatrists say about aging. And, I don't really want them to slice and dice anything about aging. Aging is a beautiful time if we are fortunate to arrive at that point. I like my older friends as they are most toleratent and beautiful. We don't need the medical community to tell us what our culture should be. Just everyone let us be and we will be fine if we so choose.
Posted by: barbara | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 12:37 PM
Ronni, yours was the first Elderblog I found quite a number of years ago now. The relief of being allowed to be older, look older and go slower is marvellous. You and your readers have helped me a lot with self-awareness and acceptance. Thanks again.
Posted by: Freda | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 03:26 PM
Speaking for myself, I'm still struggling with the aging thing. At 73 I continue to work part time and have deadlines to meet. Most of the time I'm fine with that, but sometimes (like today) I'm not. Yet, I'm not ready to give up working either, for personal as well as financial reasons.
I must confess that I'm not crazy about looking 73. Even though much of the time I feel more or less the same as I did when I was 60, I no longer look 60. Still, except for minor nose reshaping during deviated septum surgery in my early 30s, I've never had plastic surgery and probably never will. I hate knives and needles, to say nothing of spending all that money!! I just think it would be more pleasant to look in the mirror and see what I feel like, not what I look like, but that's not going to happen.
As far as traveling solo through aging, again speaking strictly for myself, I'm so grateful that I haven't had to face that to date. I truly can't imagine life without my wonderful, understanding, kind, patient husband who actually continues to put up with me after 32 years. He's also my guide to the increasingly complex world of technology--even at 80, he understands it better than I ever will.
As far as fearing death, that's not as much of an issue for me as is the process of getting there. I admit that I do fear outliving my husband and my financial resources. I fear incapacitating illness or injury and being powerless to control what happens to me near the end of life. When older people seem to be in denial about death, maybe that's what some of them are trying to articulate. Our society has a long way to go in the area of end-of-life care.
Posted by: Elizabeth Rogers | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 06:11 PM
66 is the very best age I've ever been.
Life kept getting better after 60.
I still work. I still write. I still dream.
I have bodily issues, don't we all.
And I wish there was a special mirror that would just show the inner me, all of me every morning so that I would just BE her.
Cancel all mirrors, I seriously hate my turkey wattles.
XO
WWW
Posted by: wisewebwoman | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 06:41 PM
"I've earned every one of these wrinkles" was a lot more fun when it was more of a political statement than a reality in the mirror. I'm not thrilled with the bags under my eyes, but I've always had something about which I felt awful. I don't care about my thighs any more; now I'm focused on my sagging skin.
Learning to watch a movie in the middle of the day, putting off laundry for a day in order to finish the latest Steig Larsson, wearing elastic waists when I feel like it - I have earned the right to it all. I look at it as psychic compensation for my physical changes.
Posted by: Ashleigh Burroughs | Thursday, 10 June 2010 at 07:41 PM
I see nothing wrong with making small changes to ones apperance if that make one feel better when looking in the mirror. It does not mean you will look 20 when your 70.My mother was a master pianist and passed away at 92 she was much older then my siblings. She was a live wire until the end willing to try anything once. But growing up and even in the last 10yrs i was trying to get her to make some "healtier" changes to her face removes large moles and maybe some skin resurfacing that was all, but she didn't want to go thru that. I thought it would enhance her profession, but when she dressed up it didn't matter becasue she was doing what she loved, playing music and making people smile. Me, on the other hand being 50 will probably do a little skin rejuvination but oh well, if it feels good and is not a substitute for whats next, go for it!
Posted by: Kara | Tuesday, 10 August 2010 at 04:40 AM
Turning 60 this year has been very difficult for me..Despite 37 years of a regular exercise program and still within 5# of my lifelong adult weight, I am noticing fat around my middle and a bulging tummy..yuk! I remember my mom telling me women become invisible after a certain age. I can see I am now invisible too. I pray I will figure out how to care less about the body changes and focus more on the important things in life...I hate being so superficial..
Posted by: Linda | Sunday, 28 August 2011 at 08:55 AM
I am sixty years old raiseing two grandsons. its so hard the second time around. I'V had them nine year's now my husband passed away three year's ago now its me and the boys. I fell like they are being cheated because of my age .and Ifell like im being cheated because im doing what thire parents should be doing.
Posted by: Linda | Sunday, 30 October 2011 at 12:23 PM
I am now 61 and people always say I look like I,m in my 40s which is nice for them to say but it confuses me and makes me sad sometimes. When I look in the mirror I still see the youthful face I had but in my mind I know I,m getting older. I love to talk to people who have already lived past my age because I find they are very wise with all their information about stuff. I loved being a child but I lost my mom when I was 10 to cancer so I haven,t got a mother figure in my life to explain what aging is like. I pray I age with all my faculties and I don't end up alone. My husband still works and he loves his job, he's a workaholic so retirement will be hard for him, the boredom. I spend allot of time alone with my dog and cat as he is gone allot. I wish everyone here a graceful aging process and great health.
Posted by: Hannah | Friday, 15 February 2013 at 03:59 PM