I am partnered and while there are times we disagree on things we are both in sync on 80% of our lifestyle. If I don't feel like cooking, he does it. If he also does not feel like cooking we graze or go out. After almost 40 years of marriage (with one or two very difficult times) we are now in almost perfect rhythm. While I could manage on my own, he brings an energy in activity that I do not possess and I bring a carefulness that keeps us safe.

I am a widow of four years, age 58, no children. I think I've always had a solitary nature (writer/former journalist). Creative writing requires a good bit of alone time, so in that regard I have adjusted to living alone. Having been married 34 years though, I can say the loss of a long-time partner is devastating. Over that many years, both individuals do make compromises, but if it works well, then you accept that and compliment each other's nature. So I consider I had a good marriage, lucky I know.

Having said that, though, the longer I'm alone, the more sure I am that I will never marry again. Not saying I won't, but from the few dating experiences I've had, it has seemed less and less appealing to have someone sharing my home/personal space full-time. I miss male companionship, but I've learned to cherish doing what I wish, making my own decisions, being independent, etc.

Living alone or with someone - both have advantages and disadvantages. But honestly, many of the studies try to group people together, instead emphasizing individuality. Not sure I believe half of studies, even in regards to health matters.

I'm a six of one half dozen of the other on this. I got married at almost 21 and think it was too early mostly because I didn't live on my own first. I went from parents' home to husband's but that wasn't unusual back then. Now in September we will have been married 47 years and that amazes me. It's like two lifetimes and at one time it would have been.

My husband and I have talked of divorce off and on through the years, not usually in anger but more in how would we handle it, and really neither of us could say for sure we will stick it out until death do us part; but we get along pretty well and he is my best friend. Whether we stay married to the very end, I would hate to lose that relationship.

When I read about it, I well understood why the Gores did what they did and it's not about not loving the other person but just wondering maybe what it'd be like to be alone. I guess though nobody gets it all; so some of us experience one thing and only through other people's stories the other. I don't really think one is better than the other (whatever the ads are trying to tell us) but it's how satisfied we are with it probably.

My husband's aunt never married and she had a happy life as best I know it with trips to Europe, her own home, a career she enjoyed, a few years of retirement; but she did die earlier than average but I don't think because she was not married but more she ignored a warning symptom that she could have also ignored if she'd been married.

Like you, I won't ever know if I could have remained with one person for 30 or 40 years (or more). I admire the couples who have stayed together many years. For me, that did not happen. But my husband and I have been together almost five years and he is the only person I know who I could stand to be with many years. I am happy to be with him and work out the kinks that need working now and then. We both read books and like to share some great writing or description. I know I would be fine living by myself and some day that may be the case if he passes away before I do. I have gone through so many changes in my life already and I know there are plenty more ahead of me.

Took me three times, but the old saying about the third being charmed certainly held true in my experience!

I don't do alone well. Maybe because, like Rain, I went from my parents home to being married. Even between marriages I wasn't long without a male companion.

Conditioning, or whatever you want to tag it, I am just happier in a relationship. (Though a couple of them probably took YEARS off my life expectancy from sheer stress.)

And I think I am less dependent on my daughters now with "003".

Looking at my Mom's situation as a widow with no siblings, without my brother and I, I can't imagine how she would have survived her many health issues alone.

My first husband and I ended a fractious 24 year marriage in 1990. I was 48 and felt like a 100. A year later my sons were in college, I felt great if disoriented, and spent many pleasant years getting to know myself maybe for the first time. Then in 2004 I married again. He's 9 years younger than I and our biggest points of stress are the shrinking of our 410K's and the fact that I, at 68, am retired and he is still working and will be for some time to come.

Being single for 10 years made it difficult for me to compromise. I was a manager at my work and a single mom, not to mention the bossy oldest sister in my family. Surprisingly to me, I discovered he wanted a traditional marriage, dinner on the table when he gets home and he'd take out the garbage. Oops! We both have learned a lot about sharing (the cooking and garbage removal among other things) and about compromise. Sometimes we thought about chucking the whole thing, but after 6 years we've discovered we're attached and miss each other.

We live in a small house and he has accepted and cares for the hoard of grandkids (6 girls under 13)clumping through the place as well as visiting by the rest of my large family, three sisters with families, that came with the package. A big deal to me, and as his own family is quite small and far away, I find it very generous of him. I wanted conversation, company, and affection, and he did too. We think we are going to make it now but there is the option of one of us locking the other in the cellar on occasion if necessary (just kidding). We do take trips separately at times, visiting old friends and some of the relatives. I no longer wish to be alone and am hoping with the 9 year age difference, as frequently women live longer than men, that neither of us will have long widowhood alone, God willing.

Upon reflection, I think I brought up this subject because I am in constant conflict with myself. My husband of 20 yrs and I live more like roommates than spouses. We give each other the freedom to live parallel lives, sharing very few interests and, certainly, very different dispositions. I mostly do my thing and he does his, but sometimes this feels pretty lonely. We've very nearly split up two or three times, but always, he apologizes and I relent because I need the "security" and he is basically a decent guy -- just drinks too much. My kids think he's great. So, I vacillate between wishing I were fancy free and being glad of the company without intimacy. In a way, I have the best of both options, but pay the price of emotional loneliness.

There's a whole lot more to this story, but it speaks to the many compromises and life choices women of my generation, who were raised to be wives and mothers rather than self supporting, have to make as they face aging with limited work history and cash flow, to be honest.

@Annie - Over the weekend, I talked to an old friend who just had his sixth step-grandson. It got me thinking that having kids (one way or another) is nature's way of providing change in your life. When they're grown, you don't have to initiate the changes; they come to you.

Your post reminded me that not all those changes are positive. But do you find it keeps you engaged with other people? I feel like so many of my encounters are superficial. (I hope this isn't too much information?)

At almost 51 and never married I honestly can't fathom living with someone else. While I whole heartedly agree with a previous poster about it being a pain being single when you are needing to move furniture or any job that requires four hands instead of two, I truly relish living alone with my cats. My work entails being in contact with many people throughout the day and I love coming home to my own thoughts. My friends say that I don't want a husband, I want a handyman!

My only complaint is that after a particularly bad/stressful day at work I will come home and complain to the cats that the very LEAST they could do is to have a "cold one" ready for me when I walk through the door. Inevitably one will then hold up his paw to show me that without opposable thumbs, what I'm asking for is pretty impossible and then will start begging for his dinner ;-)

Another thought:

When I started blogging and was blogging pretty regularly, if I stopped, I would get emails or blog posts wondering where I was. It almost made me stop blogging! I thought to myself "jeez, one of my FAVORITE things of being single is to not be accountable to anyone in my spare time. I'll be damned if I'm going to start making sure I notify people if I decide to take a blogging break!"

At 53 I am just beginning to think about aging and only because of the natural aging signs I am seeing, such as graying hair and menopause. But I don't give aging too much thought. I have no health issues, I'm active, a vegetarian, eat organic foods, have good mental health, friends, and a job I love. I've heard and read the statistics about aging and who lives longer and who doesn't. Maybe because I am single, and always have been, I choose not to give too much credence to those statistics. I just figure to some degree genetics will play a role in how I age and how long I will live, but the rest is up to me. I'm not overly concerned about being single in my old age. What I do give more thought to is the quality of my life and my relationships.

I was married two weeks short of 48 years when my husband died. I had never lived alone before as i married at 20. I have been single 18 months now. I am still learning how to cook for one.
I can live well enough alone as I have lots of interests. I volunteer for the American Bladder Cancer Society. I facilitate a Tai Chi class twice a week and play bridge a couple of times a week. I miss the companionship of marriage but I do not want to marry again. I don't want to make the adjustments and compromises that living with another person entails. I did it once happily but I am not willing to adapt again.

Ronnie - that was a well-thought out essay. Thank you.

On topic, I've lived both existences and each with great fondness, joy, happiness, success, pitfalls, and pains but view life rather like a garden, “bloom where you're planted," I guess. In looking at relationships over the years, one thing always tugs at me and that is a prevailing co-dependence emerges, which paralyzes people, indeed, limits them. People who love and/or care for one another would, I believe, delight in the others' happiness, achievements, et al---but I cannot believe that anyone can make another happy, that implies a perception of too much power over another.

On the topic of children (many, for me) -- Children are often what one looks to in the aging process but, realistically, there are far too many variables in any size sample (numbers of off-spring) to be certain there will be suitable “likeness” in a brood of any size—especially in our society, where socioeconomic impact appears to do more than “split” DNA. As the aging populace, it behooves us to remain steadfast in our maturity, and outlook on life especially for the next generation; they’re not getting those values anywhere else the past few decades. Thus, as we age, the processes of “letting go” and building one’s life are prime acts; we must learn to seek our deepest, innermost pleasures, and build on them; we are unique.

For those who are seeking, and doubting they must realize that nothing on earth stays the same—it never has, and it never will, so for whatever one is hoping for, change will come, but in the meantime, it is so important to spend our lives in doing what gives us pleasure, or change something. If we don’t take care of ourselves, no one is going to – at least not like we would like to have it done. Surprises are wonderful, indeed, but they are soon forgotten, and only the feelings linger. It’s far more important to work on enjoying life, and making sure that we manage our existence, instead of vide-versa.

Overall, methinks that sometimes we do well in some situations, and other times we do not . . . our needs, joys, and pleasures change and no one around us can actually, affect those changes other than through extreme actions - none of which I would favor.

By the way, a feline greets me in this round of my life, but quite vociferously, and happily – almost to distraction.

It would be hard to find someone more naturally solitary than I am. I really don't mind having almost no social interaction for days. I think many acquaintances think me some kind of odd recluse.

Yet it would also be hard to find someone more marriage-able than I am (not possible legally.) I had a 7 year relationship that eventually foundered and am now in a 31 year relationship that remains a delight of energy, intellect and sheer fun to both of us. We've had struggles, but being very much with someone seems to work for me.

After losing my husband seven years ago after forty years together (mostly happy), I have adjusted well to living alone. I have many interests and friends and family to keep me busy and then my two dogs and two cats to love me. I wouldn't mind having a male friend to have dinner with or even to travel with, but I am really not interested in marriage or even living together. I LIKE my solitude and my privacy. Life is good!

I said I'd never do it again after 2 marriages (one for 21 years ) and 1 live-in. But I did after 8 years alone, very enjoyably with wise, single, older women as friends, at the age of 63. That was 6 years ago - I wonder, will we arrive at the 7 year itch! It's his third too, after being widowed twice.

We both value solitude so make space for another, neither asking nor expecting permission to do things or go places alone. We are learning to accommodate differences as we go along, which I would rarely have been able to do 10 years ago.

If I were pitched back to singlehood, I would adapt to it again and enjoy it. I do value the companionship of of a live-in partner but with good friends, I don't believe it's an essential. In the main I'm with Katherine Hepburn - the best of both worlds.

Well, again you've hit it, Ronni. I have lived alone now for about 14 years after two marriages that ended first, with my husband's death and second, in divorce. I also had about nine years between the two marriages, but the children were at home. I so appreciate reading about your comfort with solitude, a comfort that is not much recognized in this culture as anything but an aberration.

And I get deeply annoyed at the statistics about who's healthier, singles or marrieds, which do not take into account the many stresses of a bad marriage.

After my divorce I didn't have the time or the energy to look for another partner, nor did I think I had the emotional stamina for another failure. I'm happy now, happier than I've ever been. I love the freedom some have mentioned. I'm constitutionally a solitary. I'm a writer who needs lots of empty space around me. I have two dogs who greet me ecstatically at the door, friends. My children are grown but in close touch. AND, dammit, I am very healthy.

I'd love it if the right companion dropped down the chimney, but even so, I don't think, at 70, that I'd want to live with him.

I have a friend, older, whose husband was just diagnosed with Altzheimer's. I cannot bear to envision what's ahead of her. The statistics would land her in a different category--"caregiver."

Anne

Married 4 times, divorced 4 times. Happily and devoutly single for 35 years!
Thinking of writing a book called, "Never Marry An Only Child", which refers to me, not any of my husbands or lovers. Took me a few years and a few husbands to realize that, growing up as an only child, I never really learned how to share. Came happily to terms with who I really am and learned to relax and enjoy my inate preference for the single life.