Why I Write About Growing Old
Monday, 03 October 2011
On Saturday, I posted one photograph with a link to more of elders who are at least 100 years old. The goal of the photographer is to show the beauty in age, and the reason it is necessary for some people to occasionally take on such a project is that most cultures abhor aging.
From the cradle we are bombarded with images, words and ideas about getting old – every one of them negative.
The best kind of elders, they say, are those who are “young at heart” (whatever that means). It is, supposedly, a compliment to hear, “You don't look that old.” And in recent years, the media has made a fetish of lionizing elders who take on extreme sports such as climbing Mt. Everest, skydiving and bungee jumping that even most young people are too smart to try.
Not to mention the 24/7 barrage of television commercials and other advertising that makes it seem unAmerican not to be using wrinkle creams and inject ourselves with Botox because – well, you know, looking old is offensive.
The attitude of certain lawmakers toward elders, particularly since the crash of 2008, is schizophrenic: old people should work longer before becoming eligible for Social Security and Medicare, some say, while others wring their hands muttering about how all those old farts are taking jobs young people could be doing.
And a whole lot of legislators and presidential wannabes, too, believe elders are responsible for the federal debt and deficit. What a bunch of greedy geezers elders are, insisting on “entitlements” they paid into for 40 or 50 or more years.
What do you suppose is the price old people pay from such damaging portrayals? Last week, the Hastings Observer in England reported on the suicide of one Jack Semmens [emphasis added]:
“AN AUTHOR who sent a press release to the Observer announcing his death, killed himself to avoid old age despite being in good physical health.
“Jack Semmens, 73, had meticulously planned his suicide over a period of months and a ‘how-to’ book for those wishing to end their lives was found lying near his body...”
Friends confirmed the man's abhorrence of aging and one said he looked younger than his 73 years.
“When we met, I asked him how old he was, but he wouldn’t tell me,” she said. “He said, ‘Then you will start treating me like an old person.’”
I vacillate between feeling pity for this man and wanting to smack him: how dare he, an elder, confirm the general cultural belief that getting old is so awful it is worth dying to avoid.
In the way of the interwebs, on the same day I read the suicide story, I found in The Hindu, a large-circulation newspaper in India, another approach to aging:
“'Old age,' says Neelam, a sprightly 85-year-old, 'is a time that is just as rich and as worthy of being lived as all the other ages in our lives.' Between letting go of our youth and accepting our death, there is a time when we can, if dealt with properly, feel deeply happy and free.”
The writer of The Hindu column, Kusum Lata Sawhney, is a novelist and poet who writes on women's issues and social trends. She continues [again, my emphasis]:
“'I realised that I no longer had to keep the same weight as when I was 20. I felt a calm acceptance towards my body and went out and bought a whole new wardrobe,' [said 58-year-old Malti]. Once we accept who we are then others learn to accept us for who we are.
“The key to a happy old age is to invest in the emotional part of our selves. We might change from the outside but we remain the same way within. You do not have to be only young to have eyes that sparkle even though they have bags, skin that glows even though it is lined, hair that is grey but shines brightly and indulge in conversation that is interesting...
“Old age creeps up on you. I have heard many people say this. 'One day I was young and the next day I was old.' But you don't just retire from living — you retire from a way of life that has to make way for the slower body. Let go of the niggling insecurities and enjoy the life that is your right. Don't throw it away because it is too precious to waste!”
Sometimes you have to wonder about how the universe works – that I read these two stories on the same day, both at websites I rarely visit, the first one deeply disturbing and the second as though in answer to my troubled thoughts.
For nearly eight years I've been banging on here about the dismal state of cultural beliefs related to aging that cause such terrible events as Mr. Semmens' misguided suicide.
Make no mistake, it is the culture that killed him although I doubt there will be any public outcry or call to examine the values that led this man to choose an early, untimely death.
That needs to change and that's why I keep writing.
At The Elder Storytelling Place today, William Weatherstone: Single Seniors
And I thank you with all my heart for doing so. Unfortunately, I doubt that Western cultures will change ... there are too many economic interests involved in keeping us worried and buying.
Posted by: laura | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 05:37 AM
"The attitude of certain lawmakers toward elders, particularly since the crash of 2008, is schizophrenic."
You can say that again. We're being exhorted and blamed from every angle, from being responsible for the timing of our own birth (those greedy boomers!) to being selfish enough to live longer (having benefited from better nutrition and medical advances). My greatest fear is that such foolishness will set my children's and grandchildren's generation against mine. It is that rhetoric I'm most interested in quelling.
Posted by: Nance | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 06:29 AM
You are so right! It use to be that older was wiser and better plus respected. Keep up the good work of writing. I am with you.
Posted by: Ann Alka WorkingBoomer | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 07:00 AM
Sad to hear about that extreme example of internalized ageism and loathing, leading to the man's death. Ageism is poisonous! I loved the material you shared from the woman in India. Some cultures have much more happy ways of being old and behaving towards age and elders. I am excited about the upcoming Poetics of Aging conference in SF whose mission is "to counter the mainstream understanding of aging as decline and/or disease with a more expansive, humanistic, and creative – that is poetic – vision and approach." www.poeticsofaging.org...
I will be attending and presenting about creative aging, and will sing a couple of songs from our musical revue A New Wrinkle.
Posted by: Gaea Yudron | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 07:18 AM
Along similar lines to Gaea Yudron, here in San Francisco, a non-profit outfit call Openhouse that helps build housing for LGBT elders is putting on an art exhibit in a couple of weeks -- I look forward to attending the opening.
Posted by: janinsanfran | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 07:29 AM
Starting at age 5 or 6 I remember I began to look at my grandmother's hands a lot. I recognized that my hands were shaped much like hers...just smaller. Grandma's hands were very brown from work on the farm, in the vegetable garden and all the lye her hands were in. They looked like leather and I used to touch the leather and try smooth it out. I'm 42 and my hands are resembling her hands more and more each year. They represent to me my grandmother's love for her family as she toiled outside, cooked, sewed clothing and drove the tractor. My hands are getting more beautiful each day.
Posted by: Rachel Cabal | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 08:05 AM
My question is why did Jack Semmmens buy into the youth culture nonsense? He must have had other problems such as a Narcissist personality.
We all get bombarded with the message that being young is the pinnacle of the good life and being old is the nadir. Well, most of us know better and we should lead by example.
Old age is the reward for going through all that went before. Now we have the freedom to do as we please. Sure, health issues rob us of some of the joys of being old, but what stage of life doesn't have problems? This is the best time of my life and I am enjoying it for as long as I am allowed.
Posted by: Darlene | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 08:20 AM
Aging is a battle in our culture. I certainly feel it and know that I’m not alone. I saw Jane Fonda not so long ago on someone’s show (Oprah?). She looked as though she made a wise choice of plastic surgeons. She wore a scarf tightly wrapped around her neck that made me wonder if, however, they missed something. I like wearing scarves for the look and the way they make me feel. Someone (my age) once asked if I were trying to hide my age by covering my neck. I laughed and replied that it would take more than a scarf. I was surprised at how sad it made me feel to look at Jane that day and to hear her speak. I always admired and appreciated her talent, looks, etc., but no longer.
Posted by: Claire Jean | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 08:55 AM
Jane Fonda was stuck in a working world where she would get jobs if she had the surgery. She claimed it was because she didn't look as young as she felt but she was buying into the hype to even say that. I think she lost her identity with her surgery and looks like Mary Tyler Moore and most of the old women who do the same. Still you read the media on her and it's all praise for how good she looks because that is what sells. The sad part is I think she knows but she just couldn't resist the desire to keep looking like she did-- except you can't do it no matter what you buy into. She doesn't look younger, just undefined now. Cher is another example of really tragic work that lost the old lady she could have been. It takes a lot of guts though to stick to being yourself in that world where you are constantly photographed and defined by someone else.
Posted by: Rain | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 09:37 AM
I was in that front wave of women entering the work place in huge numbers, and was told I was "taking some man's job," which was not true,I am appalled to be confronted with same things again today only because we are older, men and women. I'm not employed but I was for 40 years and some of my friends (mostly over 70) still have part-time jobs because they can use the money.
The idea that we are taking up space and resources is ridiculous, many of us are helping support grown children who have been laid off through no fault of their own or are underemployed. We are caring for and raising our grandchildren, some of whom live with us. We work for free in schools, churches, food banks, transport and tutor children, teach reading to grown-ups, help our neighbors with shopping and repairs and are glad to it. It really pisses me off that we are seen as sucking up money from entitlements, not true. How is it "they" are not angry about the entitlements programs that corporations and their lobbyists have procured for themselves. Like the junk a clunker program, they didn't take truly old clunkers, they just took away the core of the used car market in exchange for selling brand new cars to those who could afford them. The person trying to nurse an old Dodge Dart for instance into taking them to work until they could afford something a little newer, saw nothing but a reduced inventory of used cars. Now used car prices are rising, surprise, surprise. Why are safety and gas mileage standards set so far off in the future, "entitling" auto makers to keep manufacturing and pushing their oversize products, the heck with the good of the country. Grrr.
Posted by: Celia | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 09:40 AM
Fortunately, in West Virginia where I grew up, they had the old ethic of respect for their Elders. I lived by it, and hope to heck I've taught it well to my kids ... and it seems that I have.
No one in West Virginia was afraid of growing old that I could see or sense. In fact, I grew up thinking/knowing that it was a highly respectable thing to do!
Even today at age 74, I really don't want to miss a minute of it for as long as I can hold on to it.
Posted by: Miki Davis | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 09:42 AM
I don't mind being old. I sort of like it when people help me get a cart in the store or stop their car to let me cross in front of them,or offer their hand when I am going down steep steps.
I always let them know how much I appreciate their kindness by giving them a big smile and a thank you wave.
My husband wears an artificial leg and when we drive any distance the first thing he does is remove his leg and place it on the back seat. When we stop somewhere it's my job to open the door and walk his leg (With a nice black shoe and sock on it) around to the driver's door.
People are so nice. Everybody wants to help me. They sort of pretend that they are not looking at the leg I am carrying but they can't help it. I always smile to let them know it's all right to look and ask me about it if they want to.
It usually ends up with the "helpers",my husband and I in a fun filled conversation about the trails and tribulations of growing old.
As Erma Bombeck used to say,"If you can't make it better,you can laugh at it."
Posted by: Nancy | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 09:51 AM
Rain commented at The Burrow that you were writing about this topic just as I did today.... is it in the air?
Am I flattered or offended when the waiter asks "How are you GIRLS today?" when only one of us is younger than he is... and he's barely 21? Why does "young" equate to "better" and not "foolish"?
As you say, Ronni, it's a mystery.
Posted by: Ashleigh Burroughs | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 09:56 AM
Always loved what Erma Bombeck wrote. Never heard that quote, "If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
Priceless!!!
Posted by: millie garfield | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 10:01 AM
I can agree with much of what you write today. Having run out of groups to discrimate against, some have taken on the old, and the overweight. To be old and overweight is hell.
I feel it is important to live my life the best way I can with age as a given. My children look to me for clues about how to age as do my grandchildren. They would be disappointed if I gave up.
Posted by: Dianne | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 10:42 AM
Earthalujah to this post, I hate being told I don't look 68. I always say, like Gloria did: This is what 68 looks like!
As if being young was so effing great.
Effing great is being an elder and being free to play once more after all those years of "responsibility" and being a grown-up.
All should aspire to being elders. It is so great.
XO
WWW
Posted by: wisewebwoman | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 12:31 PM
While the culture surely had much to do with Mr. Symond's suicide, I'd give his inborn personality some blame. We are all different from day one. Just as you are fighting a good and needed battle to say that we are not necessarily responsibility for our diseases, the lines of responsibility and happenstance are intertwined. We are complex, life is complex, culture is complex. What a wonderful and terrible patchwork quilt it all is.
Posted by: June Calender | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 01:07 PM
Forget about the number and concentrate on the capability.
Posted by: doctafill | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 02:38 PM
You are so great. BTW, have you ever read the blog A Femme D'un Certain Age? Tish Jett ran a series last week and this, on faces of women over 60 and over 50. The sheer number made an impact.
Posted by: Lisa | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 03:36 PM
"Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art." — Stanislaw Lec
Posted by: SuzyR | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 04:05 PM
I don't think it's the "culture" that killed Jack Semmens. It was Jack Semmens who killed Jack Semmens. That being said, obviously Kusum Lata Sawhney has a much better attitude about aging.
And you do bring up an important point -- the suicide rate increases significantly for people over 75. But I'd also guess that much of it has to do with debilitating or even fatal diseases -- like my friend with ALS who committed suicide. It was a tragic, tragic thing; but no one faulted him for taking his life in his own hands. (And he wasn't even that old; barely 60.)
Posted by: Tom Sightings | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 04:09 PM
A wonderful post.
Posted by: Brenda Wilson Wooley | Monday, 03 October 2011 at 08:59 PM
Food for thought, all! I think we (perhaps women especially) resist looking/ getting older because we don't want to be tossed on the scrap heap of our culture--our life skills, experience and contributions demeaned and devalued. Yes, it's the fault of the culture and I wish it were different. Some day I think it will be but not in my lifetime.
I haven't had surgery--can't begin to afford it and probably wouldn't even if I could. On the other hand what's wrong with looking like Jane Fonda if you can? She's in the entertainment biz where, historically, turning 40 has been the end of decent roles for women. It's changing gradually but we're SO not there yet.
I'm a big believer in exiting this life on my own terms if I have an unremittingly painful and/or totally incapacitating dignity-robbing illness with no hope of recovery or even improvement. We will soon be faced with putting to sleep our 15 year old cat who is in the final stages of chronic renal failure. Why wouldn't I want that for myself?
Posted by: Elizabeth Rogers | Tuesday, 04 October 2011 at 03:23 AM
I really love your work. Thank you for taking the time to present it.
I am a photographer and photojournalist working on a project called Beauty and Wisdom. Would love to share it with you. It makes me happy to know that we are all in this together, collectively changing the perspective of aging. Age is beautiful!
Posted by: Robbie Kaye | Sunday, 09 October 2011 at 02:36 PM
I am most definitely taking Jack Semmens route.
Nothing against old people or old age.
The best time in my life was when I was in college with a high paying, flex time job I enjoyed which left me plenty of time to party, chase women, and live with abandon all while being financially stable.
Now I have a tedious job but it pays enough to be stable and unless I went after young girls who would call me a creepy old man dating is no longer fun. Marriage, kids, and cohabiting do not appeal to me and two weeks off a year is not enough time to enjoy anything.
I should have ended things as soon as I graduated but these years down the line I realize that there is no point in keeping going.
Respect to those of you who are choosing to live as long as you can though.
Mine has less to do with society and more to do with me refusing to accept that I cannot have what I want anymore...
Posted by: NonExist | Friday, 23 December 2011 at 07:41 AM