I live in the South and it is common practice for women (especially women in service positions) to call everyone "hon" or "sweetie" or "dearie". I never can tell if they are doing it to me because of my white hair, or just because they are southern!

I do agree that this is a problem. If you really want to hear some egregious examples, go into a nursing home and listen to how they speak to the residents.

However, I will say that many nurses get into a bad habit of speaking generally to people as though they are children; especially hospital nurses.

I was visiting a nursing home recently and this elderspeak was rampant. "Who's gonna be a good girl then?"

Demeaning and demoralizing. I could see residents were antagonistic towards the staff, including my elderly aunt who muttered under her breath.

Speaking out might harm those we wish to protect. I've heard of revenge nightmares in my ongoing studies and dramas about elder abuse.

XO
WWW

I loath elderspeak. While my mother was dying we had hired care givers at home and many were excellent, but some were so impossible that I took them aside and told them: speak normally, my mother is not in kindergarten. With one visiting nurse, the sing-song tone went away immediately, even though she said, oh, it's just my naturally bubbly personality. Ha, it wasn't. I'm sure in her mind I was the worst bitch in the world. But I made myself clear.

Janet makes a good point. Nurses in general seem to think some version of elderspeak/baby talk is comforting. It gags me.
If it happens somewhere I have to go frequently, I will say something. Fortunately, it's not an everyday occurrence.

Perhaps we should have buttons made up that say "I'm neither deaf nor senile. I'll let you know when it happens"

How about small incidents of regular, everyday life? For example, I am always addressed as Jackie by the youngsters who work for my dentist. And, I've always encouraged people to call me by my first name. But now am surprised to find that I hate it when they are not personal friends. Of course, this mode of speaking began out of a desire to be egalitarian and friendly. But it has morphed into something which feels undermining and even unnatural. Once a big fan of first names, I now feel they convey a clear lack of respect for older people. But I am shy and I guess a little starchy by nature, and feel very uncomfortable drawing attention to myself by saying, "please call me Mrs. Herships," especially since I have not been married for 20+ years. I suppose 'Ms." is the answer once again, although that doesn't feel right either.

You asked, "Do old men get this too or is it just women who are patronized in this manner?"

I get "young man" from time to time -- I'm 75 -- but I never let it go by unchallenged. I always tell the jerk or jerkess that I find it demeaning and insulting and the last thing I want is to be young like him/her.

I usually get a surprised, flabbergasted look in return. These people just don't have a clue.

I've never noticed being a victim of elderspeak, but I haven't been hospitalized for several decades and I'm not yet in a nursing home. The few times I've noticed a "hon," it seemed to be southernspeak, with no offense meant and none taken.

Hospitals are so demeaning in every way, and the last time I was a patient in one, I felt very helpless and defenseless. I'm not sure how I'd react, or even if I could react, if I were hospitalized again.

Mentioned above was "good girl." Holy cr*p, that's how I talk to my DOG!

I want to support and underscore all the comments above. Maybe it is my European connections, the fact that I spend a ton of time, mostly work-related, in Germany, but I am particularly touchy about the first-name thing -- from everyone, but most noticeably in clinics when I am called in. First, they call me Ruth, although my name is Ruth-Ellen. But then they call me Ruth, as if I were a child, or their friend or relative, or whatever. At which point, if I am feeling particularly feisty, I will respond by asking if they are summoning Dr. Joeres. I actually hate to do it, I realize that the midwest seems to be a lot less formal than the east coast where I grew up, but it bugs me. It is a reduction, quite literally. I have always railed against women being equated with children, as they were even legally in 19th-c. Germany, but as an elder I certainly don't want to be seen as a child. And when some benighted freshman storms into my office and asks if I am Ruth, I always respond, as pompous as it sounds, no, I am Professor Joeres. grrr.

At 46 years old, after a bad car accident, I was placed in a nursing home for some time. I was subjected to this kind of treatment, though I didn't have a word for it. It was awful! It was bad enough that my physical circumstances limited my mobility and lifestyle options at that time, that the times I could eat, sleep and poop were governed by an institution, that I had no control over my environment but the condescension made me feel like my personal agency was under constant attack. Even if one has the energy and words to correct a staff member who is doing it, most nursing homes have such turn-over in staff, that it is an exhausting continuous process.

It is common in the South to use hon and sweetie and Miss Brenda, especially service people; they don't mean anything by it. The common use of most all of the terms is tradition and habit and example. Frankly, it doesn't bother me, and I ignore it; if it did bother me I would definitely speak up. The only person I ever enjoyed calling me "hon" was my father. He's been dead 35 years, and I would love to hear that term of endearment once again.

Oh dear, this got me off on a long tangent... and I just had to hit delete. No one wants to read a blog post in the comments!

But I have become exceedingly bossy in my age of whitening hair and I'd rip the XXXX uh.. lips off any young whippersnapper who was so bold as to suggest that I "be a good girl".

Some people just don’t get it. I quit a favorite exercise class b/c the instructor made comments to and about me that I felt offensive. I met her out in the parking lot after one session and tried to explain what she was doing. She appeared stunned and felt herself victimized. I continued with the class a few more times until one day she referred to me as "beautiful"…I quit the class…Believe me, some just don’t get it. But that does not mean I have to take it!!!!

Like Paula, I'm interested in what is effective when dealing with 'elderspeak'. I've tried being direct, being sarcastic, and using gentle reminders that I'm not a girl but a woman,

I was a waitress when going to college in the 1960s and frequently called my diners "hon" or 'sweetie' but it was an ageless thing-from teens to elders, men and women alike....it was a waitress thing back then.

What are others using as rejoinders for being addressed in a demeaning manner?
elle

Oh yes, as an elder man I often am addressed by waitresses and other service people as "Hon" or "Sweetie," and it is not appreciated. However,at least an equal number of younger contacts use "Sir" or "Mr. Klade" (if they know my last name. Among male friends of similar age, we often jokingly refer to each other as "young man." Nothing derogatory is implied by that. I have no problem with contacts of any age referring to me by my first name--I don't feel old enough to require a "Sir" or "Mr."

My sister was looking for some light day help for my parents and she discovered one agency that called itself "Granny Nannies." Nuff said.

I think we do need to push back when we're subjected to elderspeak. A few years ago, I was taking a flight and the TSA guy greeted me by saying, "How are you, young lady?" I replied, "I"m fine, and I'm not young."

I've also encountered plenty of elderspeak around doing anything online, such as downloading a form from the internet. It's usually expressed by asking whether I have "access to a computer". Rather than just nod, I say that I've used a computer for over 25 years. But why do they even need to ask?

Having worked as a hospital nurse, I think this colunn should be copied and passed out to each person you encounter who calls you "dear", "good girl", etc.

At the dentist office recently, I asked about a painful canker sore I had earlier. His response - "as WE get older, our immune system gets weaker..." Having just turned 60, I was mildly offended at the "older" reference but pleased he was inclusive with the "WE" - the dentist being a couple of years younger. And he was pointing out a medical fact. Our bodies change as we age.

NEarly 20 yrs. ago as my mother declined with Alzheimers and we moved her from one assisted living facility to another closer to family, I was asked what my mother preferred to be called (her first name or by Mrs. Cary) - not what I preferred but what SHE preferred. I was struck by the sensitivity of this question and knew I had found a good home for her. Mom was not in the room at the time. I think the social worker would have asked her directly although at the point, Mom wouldn't have responded. Sadly, I had to tell them to call her by her first name because the facility she was in earlier had been doing that for 4 years and she was at the stage where that was what she would respond to, no longer to Mrs. Cary. No one there had asked and they called everyone by their first name (to make it more "family-like" was their rationale). I was too overwhelmed with getting her settled and closing up her apartment to protest. But Mom was of the generation that expected older adults to be addressed formally by younger people (as 90% of the staff were) unless specifically asked to be called by their first name.

I was in charge of my mother for 18 years (memory) and fired a doctor for that "young lady" and "youngster" stuff. Mom didn't care, but I sure did and I had the power.

I just found your website and thought that you would like to see a brief video that addresses the topic of elder-speak and what we can do to re-think the language we use in the eldercare community.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nQJqlTf0t4

"As we might do with an aging, know-it-all relative, we have learned to tune out the Tennessean nonesense."—J. T. McGregor