We are roughly the same age and I never had children, not by choice but because I was fertility challenged. I was the kind of person who didn't spend a lot of time spilling tears over things I couldn't have, so it didn't bother me much to be childless when I was younger. I had a career and loved art and I had a good man in my life. BUT after my husband had his massive stroke in 2000 leaving him right side paralyzed and without a written or spoken language I found myself occasionally saying that it would have been nice to have a few kids and grand-kids who could pitch in to help. (Our lives were full of tough challenges for the next 12 years.) And that, of course, would be having kids and grand-kids for all the wrong reasons (selfish reasons) which leads me to think Mother Nature knew what she was doing way back when she didn't lead me to the maternity ward. That's not to say I wouldn't have been a great mother. I know I would have been. I guess what I'm saying is it's important to accept your past for what it was...childless or otherwise.

Ahhh, the choices we make. I, like you, am older and childless. Endometriosis took care of that in my 20's. Never had much of a maternal instinct anyway. No regrets.

I have 3 children and 8 grandchildren and I cannot imagine life without them - any of them. They have all been a huge blessing to me, and I'm sure they will continue to be.

First generation born American and raised by a Grandmother from an Eastern block country, I was groomed for an early marriage and child rearing. At 24 I had 2 in diapers and no husband. After the fact, I spent time wondering what my life would have been like without children when I was young. My children ended up saving my life because I find it hard to believe I would be alive today if it hadn't been for my being forced into taking some responsibility for them. Those were my life issues to be resolved, as it turned out.

There are so many stories about the choices/no choices in child bearing in the American landscape. At this point, after all I put my children through, I'm surprised that they even acknowledge my existence! At 60 I'm amazed that it all turned out so well in that everyone enjoys so much love daily!

The fact that my sons found fabulous spouses and there are Grandchildren is a miracle in my scenario but there must be a million ways to allow miracles into one's elder life without children. This blog might be one of yours I'm thinking, Ronni. A tremendous legacy and no less valuable in how you help and connect people as you do.

No children... no regrets.

Always thought I would like to have had a daughter if children had been in the cards but always figured letting her go when she reached adulthood would have probably killed me.

Like Ronni, I wanted to engage with the world, have a career and not stay at home as a wife and mother, back in 1966 when I graduated from college. I did get married but felt sure I was not suited for motherhood. Funny that I didn't want children of my own because I spent much time working with children and loved every minute. Again, like Ronni, my marriage fell apart quite soon. I then developed my second wonderful career for another 10 years. I loved my single life. Then I met The One. We married at age 37 and suddenly I wanted a child. (Surprise!) Fortunately, by this late date, I did not have to sacrifice my career.

I delivered our first and only child in the nick of time the year I turned 40. My only regret is that I didn't have a second child, because I now believe children need at least one sibling to feel right in the world.

When people write about the advantages of having children to help take care of them or their spouse, I don't think they understand that it's not always done out of duty. I spent five years taking care of my Mother, and I cherish every minute of that time, giving back to her the unconditional love she gave to me. I didn't have a sibling to "help with the tasks" but I didn't care.

Today my daughter lives far away and probably always will. I love her deeply, but I regret that our relationship has not turned out to be as rich and intimate as I had hoped. So perhaps I was right after all that my personality was not suited for motherhood. I'll never know for sure.

My first grandchild will arrive in November. I am hoping I learned some things with my daughter which will enable me to be a better grandmother, if I am given the chance. I have been thinking a lot about exactly what kind of grandmother I want to be. Did any of you think about that ahead of time? I don't think I want to leave it up to my instincts!

In my 20s I was conflicted about marriage and children. I was a feminist before I ever heard that word, even though I was a child in the 50s when girls were supposed to grow up to be wives and mothers.

But everything changed in the late 60s, when I went to college, so when my friends were all getting married, I didn't. I wanted a partner, but definitely did NOT want my mother's marriage.

Long story short, in my quest for a nontraditional relationship, I kept picking the wrong men--men who were commitment phobes--and in my 30s I got pregnant by a man who walked away from the situation. I thought long and hard about what to do, and ended up having the baby. When my son was 4 I met and married a wonderful man who has given me the kind of relationship I wanted.

My son is now 32, and I am very happy to have him in my life. I was not the best mother, but he seems to have turned out just fine anyway. Though I never had the overwhelming maternal instinct that some women have, I did want the opportunity to see a child grow and develop. I think if I had not had my son I would have regretted it.

Fifty-plus years ago, with little or no forethought, we started our family (huge by today's standards). Birth control was not a topic for discussion.

As our family grew, I believe that Ann Landers once polled her readers about parenting ~~ given the chance, if "starting over" were possible, would they do it all again ? My recollection is that the majority responding would choose to remain childless.

Too many times, in my experience and that of others I know, the pain of being a parent has overwhelmed the "joy" that's so often referred to re: having children.

Yes, the babies were adorable, there was joy, but babies can grow into adults with many a serious illness. They can suffer the loss of a job. They can do drugs. That's the short list.

Some mothers (admittedly not all) can suffer unbelievable, mentally exhausting pain alongside their children.

If the clock could be turned back, and given a choice, I hope I'd have the good sense to do things differently....engage the term "family planning".....join the convent (well, maybe not).

I really never planned to get married, but had a list of the perfect man. Just as I graduated from college I began dating a man who actually met the criteria on that list. We got married the next year, and 40 years later are still having fun, most of the time. Being retired has added some new wrinkles to the relationship, but all those years of building a life together has done us well for this time in our life.

Only one daughter because I realized shortly after she was born that I was a terrible mother. I would still say that of myself. In my 30s I wanted everything to be perfect and I was very busy making everything that way. It was not good for any of us. I can only see that now in hindsight.

Our daughter grew up, went to college, became a minister, got married and now has 2 adorable children on whom I dote. Although a lousy mother, I am the world's best grandma! I had no grandparents so I realize the importance of such a relationship. When my grandkids are old, I want them to be able to say, 'I had the best grandparents.'

I am eternally grateful that birth control pills were easily accessible when I married (and I had a wonderful, happy marriage even though now I'm a widow). I knew from a young age that I never wanted kids. I helped raise 3 younger sisters, and that sometimes included a passive, incapable mother.

I've been involved off and on in the "childfree" community; there are many women and men who don't want children, but the pressure of social expectation/family presents problems. Being "childFREE" as opposed to "childLESS" is a great difference; it's an attitude and feeling of freedom. Personally, I never wanted that kind of responsibility, even though I'm a very responsible person.

I admire parents who really know how to parent, but there are many who do not. And probably if being childFREE were more acceptable, we'd have fewer abusive, neglectful parents. An acceptable choice without pitying glances, advice we'll "change our mind" and "who will take care of you in old age."

At any rate, I'm 62 and have NO regrets. I do have several grand-nieces, even a couple living nearby, but since I didn't have children, I planned for my elderly years whereas that "fall back" plan to have kids take care of you wasn't an option. And not always a plan at all.

Karen, I also am becoming a gram for first time in November. Perhaps Dkzody has a few tips.

For some time, I've lived without grandchildren and plan on winging it as it happens. I don't embrace having or forming expectations; rather prefer the surprise and spontaneous ways.

No children and no regrets.

Life is about choices.

I am second oldest in a big family. I dreamed about being a teacher, but it took so darn long to get there because I was repeating grades, told I would never graduate, blah blah.

My grade two teacher smelled of elderberries.

Never mind that.

I achieved my goal with honours and oh did I love working with all the different characters that walked into my classroom.

Ten years into retirement, I often bump into my ex students on sardine numb bumbling bus 211 from downtown, or at the local mall.

When that happens, the student runs up and hugs me. Some of them are big hulking dudes!

Then that ex student proceeds to tell me every single achievement since they last saw me.

This is music to my ears. I get all emotional, realizing how much trust we earn when we give our true selves, whatever the job.

A kind of quiet pride comes over me for having turned some lives around.

There are many creative, simple or original ways of contributing to society.

Ronni...Are your "grandchildren" possibly your blog and storytelling sites? Just look at how many varied stories and feelings were generated by your story today. I cannot imagine how much time and energy it takes for you to keep these going and I know you enjoy this part of your life. I only hope you can feel how much each of us who participates in your site appreciates what you do!

Seems to me, Ronni, you are a parent. Helping, advising and always there for us.

There are many ways to parent.

I wish that, like many other commenters, I could have had more success in making the choice about whether to have children or not to have children. It seems to me that my childbearing years were one big mess of failed birth control, unavailable abortion, and a "pill" so fraught with side effects that it had to be discontinued. I made not a single procreative choice, yet I ended up with four children from two unhappy marriages.

Although motherhood was never my choice, I stepped up to it and always provided a clean and pleasant home, good nutrition, and support for learning and whatever talents individual children had. I was never a bad mother but not being cut out for motherhood, I was probably less maternal than I should have been. Oddly---or not--- I did much better as a single mother and when I became a student and later a career woman.

My maternal instincts didn't kick in when I became a grandmother and the expected cooing and cuddling did not come as naturally to me as it did to the "other" grandmother. I hate changing diapers and feeding babies---always have, always will. I laughed at Ronni's aversion to discussing the merits of various diaper brands because I felt the same way and I was supposed to be a mother among mothers. But child care and other domestic issues have never been my favorite topics of conversation.

If I could go back and have a do-over I would, like the mothers in the study cited by Pat, choose not to have children. But having had them and my oldest son having turned out to be my best friend and soulmate, I am also, like Ashleigh, "swinging in the ambivalency hammock." We are who we are, we do what we do, and we live the lives that happen to us.

I'm glad that I've fathered 3 children and raised 2. My wife dearly wanted children so it's a joy to see her happy. Besides the lives brought into the world, it also has been and continues to be a joint project we share. I can understand, however, those that are childless and how that is just fine (if that is their choice), and how they can be very happy, with no or few regrets. This is probably (but not always) a bigger deal for women and therefore my reference to my wife. (one note: in today's world, boomerang children can be costly in retirement!)

The no marriage part was best for me. I think of all I would have missed. I didn't believe I would have made a very good parent. My 'kids' say meow plus other 'kids' have feathers. I would have missed this wonderful experance. I've made the right choices for me.

When I first married in 1972, my older sister noticed that friends were making comments like "So, are you going to have kids?" Finally she sighed and said that when she had married in the early 1950s the question that she heard was "So, how many kids are you going to have?" She did not regret her two boys, but did think that it would have been nice to be asked...to have been given the choice.

BTW, I was never child-oriented and at 17 began to say that I didn't want to have children. I put up with the usual laugh followed by "You'll change your mind when you fall in love/ get married/get older/etc." I never did change my mind...no regrets...I am the Aunt.

It took me until I was 40 to realize why my mother had problems being a mother. Her mother died in the flu epidemic when Mom was only 7 years old, and she and her sister and brother were raised by hired housekeepers. Frankly, she had no idea how to be a mother! I think realizing that helped me to understand my own parenting problems.

I'm so glad that other parents have mixed feelings about having children, especially now that they are grown up.

Three girls and a boy in a bunch, like bananas. Since I mother boys only, just Barbie and pink elbowing into my life is an unexpected dimension of joy. As for the boy, at most family doings he has uncles to toss him balls of all sizes. I watch and remember.

Through the years, growing old while these four grow up has changed me: not just the pattern of my life, but me…Instead of stockings I say socks, instead of bisecting a sandwich, I know how to cut sail boats, and when bending for a hug, a stretch might be just a couple of years away.

To ask my grandchildren for help and information has been an unexpected pleasure. One translated a Spanish phrase for me when she was a second-grader. (Her teacher gave lessons after school.) In recent years, however, computers have been our greatest bond.

My sons use PCs. Their children have Macs … and so do I. We're in the same world, after all.They hold my hand as I lurch into Facebook and whenever we meet I have my iPad in my purse with sticky note pleas for help.

No kids, no regrets. We have LTC insurance, a pension and SS. We will buy into a CCRC when we are older.

Having helped my elderly parents, I cringe every time I see someone write about having kids so they can look after them when they are older. Children should never be raised with the expectation that they will be care givers. My parents did not have to deal with care giving since their parents died overseas or young from heart attacks. But they expected it from us and it was stress every day and ruined relationships.

Most of us baby boomers are sandwiched and have learned a good lesson experiencing the hell one can go through. My brother and I both have determined that we and our spouses will take care of ourselves. He is doing it because he feels his children are entitled to a life where they can visit their parents/grandparents with no expectations except a fun time together.

I looked this "old" post up because I noticed Nate's comment. I had almost forgotten it. At that time, I was commenting as "Meg," my previous user name, but reading Ronni's really brilliant post and the wonderful comments of the TGB community, I felt compelled to write again. This post is, to me, one of the best ever on TGB because of its wisdom and also because it gave all of us the sense of being okay wth our choices or the lives we lived because of them.

Growing old and having no wife and family is one of the worse thing that can ever happen to a person that really would've wanted that for many of us Good single men still looking these days since many of us are certainly NOT single by choice.

I would like to thank all of the commenters ahead of me and Ronnie for starting this conversation. I am in the middle of the " making the choice" phase of my life. And your comments are what I feel exactly what I needed to read this morning.

I have just turned 30, married to my husband for 10years, we both have good fulfilling careers (him: healthcare, me: artist), a home and some beautiful pets. We feel like we are responsible, organized, loving and happy people; and would certainly do all that we could to provide the best for a child, but the big questions are "do we want to?" just because we can. And " would we regret not parenting?" if we liked how our life is now and chose not to.

Many of my friends are now having their first and second children, and It makes me worry that I might get left behind, I love my friends and their families, and want to be around but I wonder if it will get harder to do so as their families grow if I don't have children of my own. When I day dream I can picture being the most loving aunt and being a part of their lives in a special and unique way. When I think about that senerio I have much joy.

And then, I am concerned about my own parents feelings. I am a loyal and considerate daughter. I have done many things in my life to honor my parents (I'm not perfect though, I've messed up too!) but I think that giving them grandchildren would be something so wonderful, they are good parents and would make amazing grandparents!

I can't decide if I'm being selfish by not having children or for wanting to have children.

I do worry about my own golden years and the whole reason I stumbled on this page because I don't want to find my self in retirement and have regrets about the choices I made now.

From my view , I can see the beauty in both sides. And I do struggle to decide one way or another. I just want to have happiness in however it manifests, and to not harm others.

Thank you all.

Im 27 and Im still figuring it out if I wanted to have kids or not. My husband and me got separated. It was my dream to have a child I can feel the sense of my motherhood instinct but after my failed marriage and have been dating losers so to speak... after all those disappointments I've felt, all those efforts I made to atleast try and maybe I could meet someone right for me... still none

... so I just feel like I should just be enjoying my life being single... away from heart aches ... away from being pregnant and raising he child alone... I mean its a lot of responsibility to have kids... yes its like a dream come true but then I wouldnt be enjoying much of my life if I have kids... I feel like I was forced to changed and it made me think a lot about the best choice for me...

It doesn't really matter if you choose to have children or not, especially in this day and age.

Both choices have their advantages and disadvantages. Neither choice will make you happy all the time -----people with children have times when they feel trapped and tied down, people without children feel lonely and left out.

The fact is ----whichever road you are on ---You will just lead a different life. But keep in mind that the grass always looks greener on the other side and remember that when things look bleak because, which ever road you choose, there are going to be some really bleak times.

I haven't mentioned the happy times but both choices give some pretty great adventures also-- just different. The grass looks greener on the other side in this case too!

You wrote this on my birthday AND I too am single at 59 and caretaker to my 92 year old father who lives with me.

I was married once .... twice and the only biological clock that was ticking seemed to be the one that granted me a 4 year degree (Biology) which would set me soaring into my career, my ONLY wish at the time. It did!!

I spent the next 18 years traveling all over the world, teaching my clients how to better produce a product, designing products and watching the sales soar! I was successful at the ripe age of 27 (as my 1st marriage was ending). I never wanted children. I guess I thought I did at one time but it just was not as important and exciting to me as my career which also came to an abrupt end, along with my 2nd marriage.

I jumped into another industry and learned it well. Here I am at 59 and taking care of my father whom I adore but it is depressing at times. How can I find love when I am trying to figure out how to retire, how I am going to take care of myself while taking care of my father.

I guess I really didn't have time for children however not having them often adds to the depression. I don't visit facebook too often either but when I do I realize I still don't get the "awe" feelings when I see my friends kids and grandkids. I always say "I am not wired for babies, only animals".

Now, when it comes to animals I am extremely sensitive so I became a wildlife rescurer and oddly enough that satifies me much more than a child. And I tell myself that when I do meet a nice man, I am sure HE will have kids and hopefully "good" kids and I can kinda fill that "not so empty" feeling I have. I can get involved with kids in many ways if I 'feel' a need to 'fill' that so called gap.

But, I remind myself that I don't like kids. As a matter of fact I tell most people I am allergic to kids (a joke). They seem to like me though and when I am around them I get along with them very well and have lots of fun (for as long as I can tollerate which is not too long).

All in all, I am fine with how things worked out and have lots of hope in filling any emptiness I have with the love of a companion. If that is not to be then I will take up painting and finish my pottery I started long ago! I have a deck to restore this summer along with many other projects. Yes, projects keep me from thinking too much and the outcome is usually pretty nice too!

I really don't believe in regrets as much as I believe in making the best choices that feel right as we go along in life. Instead of thinking about regrets (things you can't change) I choose to think about all the blessings I have been afforded with my careers, travels, friends and family.

I was happy to come across this blog. A lot of the comments that have been expressed I can relate to. I am in my early fifties and this holiday season I catch myself going between feelings of regret and acceptance for where I'm at in my life. I have no husband and no children. My twin sister and I were born to a seventeen-year-old. Our father was absent our whole life. And our childhood was very challenging. I'm sure this has contributed to my ambivalence and indecisiveness about having children. I never spent a lot of time thinking about it in my young adult life having children was just never a definitive for me. Making poor choices in men didn't help the matter. I definitely knew I did not want to be a single parent. And then just a couple years ago I went through menopause and was very surprised and shocked that the feelings had come over me that there's no going back there's no chance of having children even if I wanted to. I always enjoyed being able to experience all the Milestones with children I was there for the birth of my nephew I have friends who have children so being able to at least experience children in my life pretty much fulfilled any needs that I may have had. Unfortunately being in the medical field as I age I am acutely aware of growing old alone. I see people who are ill and have nobody by their bedside, and I see people who have their whole family by their bedside. I know that having children is never a guarantee that you will be taken care of by them when you get old but that's just one aspect of it. I'm just struggling with the regret aspect of my emotions right now. I don't want to regret and I feel as if that is grabbing a hold of me and pulling me more towards regret then acceptance. I think what adds to these emotions is the fact that I do have some friends whose children are having children and going to be having children and then my friends will be spending time with their grandchildren. I am very happy for them but I see the distance growing and maybe not having those friends in my life as much anymore. I just hope to work through this struggle

I am alone and regret it. My older sibling has a contented life with children and grandchildren. It is not easy to watch.

I just turned 50 years old this past June and am going through an overwhelming sadness of being childless. As I look back on my life, I married my wonderful husband when I was 19, and we are still together after all these years. I have been teaching in public schools for 30 years, and this has been what I have dedicated my entire life to. I have battled several health issues throughout my life, including obesity, PCOS, Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, and depression. My father and mother raised my sister and me to be very independent, and neither of us had kids. To keep us pure and from having sex before marriage, we were told by our mother and grandmother that childbirth was a pain worse than death and that women could die from it. I was also told that, if my husband and I attempted to get pregnant with Clomid or IVF, the baby would possibly be deformed. In my young life, I believed everything I was told and became afraid and absolutely terrified of becoming pregnant, so we never tried anything the medial community offered. With my health conditions, I just didn't want to try because I was fearful of childbirth. When I was 48, a doctor, to help me feel better, changed my thyroid medication and put me on Synthroid and Armour Thyroid, and I became a new person. I began to lose weight, and I actually started to have energy and work out daily, and for once in my life, I started to have a sex drive. Many of my depression symptoms of melancholy disappeared. I have basically become a new and younger person both physically and mentally beginning at age 48. I feel like I am 25 years old again. Crazy, isn't it? It is bizarre! I look different, and feel great. I have more confidence in myself, and for the first time in my life, I feel as if I could carry a baby. My menstrual cycle is now normal. I know this is downright weird! But talk about strange??? It seems to me to be a trick of nature... I am struggling because the desire to have a baby has finally come to me at age 50, along with the terrible sadness that I just can't work through bout everything that we have missed out on, why am I different than all other women I know,why god didn't allow me to come out of the depression I was in and to enjoy my life and create a family??? My husband has been great throughout all of this, but he is puzzled at the new me and finds it hard to keep up. He is 55 years old. I just needed to tell this story to someone to see if there is anyone else out there who can relate at all to this. I know that part of this may be what is referred to as a midlife crisis. I just need a way to cope with the overwhelming sadness. I am inconsolable at times, and I have no one to talk to about these feelings. I don't have the desire to foster or adopt kids. I now feel like I have let my husband down by not giving him kids. Sex up to this point was something I did not really need and we never discussed. When I look at Facebook, I realize what we have missed out on. Everything...it's so sad because I feel as if I have not lived at all...only worked...only a very few vacations...not close to family at all...very few close friends because we have nothing in common with anyone...my husband and I only have each other, and we did not go through the usual cycles of life that everyone else did...this is so sad, but it is now too late. My question is uanswerable: Why now? Why did my body decide to heal now and enable me to psychologically desire children when I am well beyond child-bearing age?

What beautiful insightful comments! I am 47 and childless but married. We were always too seriously broke to have kids and also we are self employed which is hard enough on it's own. My parents had 4 kids and were pretty broke all the way through. It's not their fault, they were good parents but we missed out on allot of things (all six of us) due to the cost of families and I have recently discovered that my sisters had some resentments over it. I decided that I could not do that to a child and face the backlash. We are starting gain on the financial side at last and planning our old age without children already. We are planning to see an Elder Law attorney to revamp the wills and just be prepared with plans. I would never want my sisters or their kids to look after us, they are the best people they can be but we don't get along very well and I would never expect that of them or any kids I could have had to look after me. I am so glad people are having this conversation! Independence doesn't have to be scary.

I'm 47 about to turn 48 next month no kids I tried to have kids with my first wife 18 years ago for a few months but it was only because I was unhappy in the marriage so we divorced. I had lot of self esteem issues when I was younger so I never made much effort to find a woman I ended up with the left over no one wanted. I met my current wife 15 years ago she never wanted kids. She always said the thought of pregnancy and birth disgusted her she once got pregnant quickly got an abortion and her tubes tied. She also has a drinking problem on and off over the years so probably good she never had any. I often wonder what life would have been like if I found someone else I sometimes think about divorcing her and finding someone younger who wants kids. I love my wife but I feel like I'm a caretaker for someone with a lot of problems her family really never speaks to her much. I told her brother once I was the stupid one for staying with her he thanked me for taking care of her. They enjoy their lives without her troubles. She tells me how if she wasn't an alcoholic she would never be with me she would be with a rich man wouldn't have to work. I find we are headed for a bleak future my hope is I won't live to old where I would spend years in a nursing home those places are so depressing.

I am 28 yr old female, married for 6 years to my soulmate. We never wanted kids up until about 4 years ago and it was more of a "if were gonna do this at all might as well do it now" stage (if that makes sense) and we began to try. after a year and a half of no luck I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis. I had surgery to remove it only for it to return 3 months later. I then was sent to a fertility specialist where I tried Clomid and Femara, both which just added gasoline to my endometrial fire causing my cysts to double in size. On top of all that, I was in severe period pain which would leave me couch-ridden for 4-5 days of my cycle. My only option now is IVF, which as you all know is expensive. Not to mention my success rate is significantly lowered with the endometriosis. So here we are, faced with the question, is this really what we want to do? I am so worried if we dont atleast try, Ill regret it forever, but as an overthinker I worry about going through with it as well. Childbirth itself scares me to death, being a stay at home mom scares me (boredom, depression) Every person i know with kids complains nonstop about all the running they have to do for their children and how they have no life, and Im just wondering do we trust my bodys ability to not have kids and just live the life we are living and loving or do we plunge into the IVF option. Bringing a life into the world is such a huge deal and sometimes I wonder why it isnt a big deal to others around me and such a huge deal to me. I also sometimes wonder if I really want children, or is it the longing to do what is the customary next step? Do I just feel left out? Rambling I know, but it felt good lol. Thanks for starting the conversation, I enjoyed all the comments as well. Nice to hear people be honest on this topic.

I appreciate this topic thank you Ronni. I am struggling with not having had kids and have been for years. For me it feels like a grief. A huge thing to miss out on in life. And a guilt, because I had a chance and at the time I did not take it. I had no single parent modelling in my life and the father didn't want to go ahead and I didn't want to trap him. Ever since I knew if I had a chance again, whatever the circumstances, I would. But that second chance never came. When I think of all my brother has experienced with his girls, I feel very sad, particularly as I have been out of the country for most of their lives - but I was never allowed to play the doting aunt so it's part of the reason I left. I really like the person who used the phrase ChildFree rather than ChildLess. I think, even trying to use that term may help me. It's the growth as a person and the contribution I think I am very sad about. And I find it is very hard to grow older without children, that society, still today, is very judgy and it feels like the whole world has children. In my childbearing years, I wanted to do it right or not at all, and later illness came too which wiped out that energy and yearning. But now... now I am so sad. And I must learn to reframe and be happy with what I have been able to do. People are always saying how lucky I am to be without children and they don't seem to realise that many of without kids would swap anything for a family of our own. To feel 'part' of something like that.

Well lets be very honest here which it really does take two to tango these days. Doesn't it? Well i would certainly say so. And what happens if you never were meant to meet the love of your life? Well it really does get much more difficult as we get older unfortunately when you find yourself all alone all the time by yourself which can get very depressing especially if you really have no friends or your friends just happened to be all settled down with their own family. Many of us were married at one time which i was and i was a very good husband to my ex wife before she cheated on me which ruined me altogether. Many women unfortunately have ruined very good marriages already which unfortunately they just like sleeping around with all different kinds of men all the time and just can't be faithful at all to just only one man since they really don't know the meaning of commitment to begin with. When i was married at the time which i was a very happy man thinking that i was going to have a family too but it obviously never happened for me. And not having children at all is worse since many of us really did want children too which for us we having nothing to fall back on. Most of us Aren't single by choice either which it just happened to be very unfortunate for many of us that we Never found the Right One which it would've made a very big difference if we had.

I regret not having children every day of my life. My heart is broken. I've been married twice. The 1st marriage was ok, we tried to have children but God intervened knowing we would not last. So I'm grateful for that. Then I wound up reconnecting with an old boyfriend and we got married 7 years ago. We are happy. We thought about having kids but we were older 40 and 41 and I thought if we're going to do it let's do it now, but he changed his mind. And it broke my heart. Now I'm close to 50 and can't help but wonder why it didn't happen for me. Am I not worthy? Did my husband not love me?

This is such an interesting post. As an overthinker, I have been uncertain about the idea of kids for the past 5 years. I am in a very stable relationship & am approaching 35. My partner is supportive of whatever decision I make, and is happy to go either way. However he fears I will have great regret if I don't have at least 1 child, once the decision is taken out of my hands. I fear pregnancy (childbirth not so much, surprisingly), and looking after a baby or small child. Once the child is 4ish, I'd be fine. It's just getting through those first few years that I worry about. I do have a tendency to get very depressed in a situation that I'm not comfortable in, and this is what I fear with small children. However deep down I know I will regret not having a family of my own once I have gone through menopause, as I do think I would be a good Mum. Vent over, thank you. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

I want to share a slightly different point of view on this topic.

I had a really hard childhood- covert psychological and sometimes physical abuse. My home life was terrifying; I never knew what would set off Mom or Dad.

For me, as a kid, and even well into my twenties, I lived for the smallest encounters with kind people, even strangers. The idea that anyone would be kind to me for no reason, with nothing to gain from me, was my beacon of hope--maybe life didn't have to be so sad and scary.

In time, I found my footing, got away from my toxic family, and built a wonderful life and family of my own. I will never be able to repay the people who showed me the meaning of kindness, so I try to pay it forward, by showing kindness to the people I meet.

I live in a huge city, where this is rarely reciprocated, but I

Well I'm here years later and read through all these comments. I am struggling with whether or not to try and have children. I'm a married, 35 year old women in the US. I have health issues, too. I recently found out I have a brca mutation, and during this last year I found out that the PCOS I have is really bad. The reproductive endocrinologist I saw said I was top five worst cases she's seen. I also have mental illness in my family and suffered mental, emotional, and physical abuse in childhood and especially adolescence. I was neglected and basically abandoned by my parents and left home. Didn't get to go to university after community college because my parents refused to co-sign my loans. My twenties was a series of moving, trying to pay bills, bad dysfunctional relationships. I did get myself through nursing school and have finally found a place of financial security in my life. However I fee like everything is catching up lately, and the pressure of having children before getting preventative surgeries because of my brca mutation is unbearable. My husband doesn't care either way, but I obsess about this. Right now I am happy with our family of just us and our cat, but would we regret it down the road? Can I even get pregnant? Can I handle motherhood? Can we afford it? We don't really have a good support system, so can we afford childcare or have someone stay home and work less or quit their job? In just sick of always having some kind of stressor in my life. I'm getting a prophlayctic mastectomy in January and I plan of having a diep flap but keep in thinking maybe I should just get the expanders to implants in case I do want children in a couple of years.

Anyway, thanks for this great post and for all of your thoughtful comments.

I will turn 61-Dec 23. I have been divorced twice and NEVER had kids did not want them. I loved having a career and was always in Sales. I found I don't like being married so I have been divorced over 25 years and remain single. I am attractive, fun, young at heart AND I get men all the time looking me up. ONCE they find out I don't have kids or grandkids or any baggage they love it ! I have some very handsome old boyfriends that have looked me up in their 60's and not from FaceBook from asking around about me. I don't do Facebook and I don't text. People have to call me on my home phone. Sitting and sitting all day with social media is a waste of time! Women ask "where are the men". THEY are around but if you want a good looking man you have to the same and Im just as lucky with men at 60 as i was at 40. SO NOT having kids or Grandkids for me is working !! Also I don't chase men or ask questions. If they want to see me or take me out they have to call me the old fashion way and plan something. If I like them then we hang out at my house with dinner and cocktails and see what happens after !!

No Regrets
Wife and I both mid sixties, traveled the world see places and still enjoy it. A lot of people who used to "tut tut" us, but we reckon they wanted us in the same boat as them. It must have been the green eyed monster.

I am 61 and was married 2 times and never had or wanted kids. My sisters and their screaming brat kids reminded me of that great decision. I liked money and careers better. Marriage for me when I was younger did not work. I did not make good choices with men and I was glad to put the keys on the counter and walk out after 3 years on each one. I have been single for over 25 years and LOVE it !!. I can do what I want. Im attractive and healthy. I don't have many friends because I don't want to hear about Grandkids and all that boring talk. My sibling family is very small with only adults and no one wants to get together, we are very estranged. "lucky me". For the past 10 years i get away from the Christmas drama it brings and leave on my Dec 23 birthday and I fly to downtown Las Vegas and have a blast for 4 days. I go alone. I stay at the Golden Nugget and get a nice room. I am NEVER lonely or alone. I love my own company and i am very friendly and funny i have been told. When i get to the room and put my things away i am so excited i cant wait to have a drink, nice meal and gamble. I don't want anyone bothering me or telling me where to go or when to eat. I leave the room always looking pretty with great perfume. I found that many other single people are doing the SAME as i am. I also have met some really nice men !! all in all i make the best of my life because i have a good attitude about being single. Id rather be a lone wolf. Im even thinking of being an Ex-Pat and live well in Mexico or Italy in my 70's and maybe someday walk hand in hand with another Wolf....

Beautifully said, Simone. Thank you.

36 years old, only child, married 6 years, spent 5 trying (with & without medical assistance), finally got pregnant, miscarried, soul searched & decided we are done "trying" & plan to continue enjoying being childFREE. My retired parents are not taking it well, saying I will regret not having kids, I will be bored, asking who will take care of me when I'm old, aren't I lonely, etc. In-laws don't fuss bc we have 3 nieces on that side. I don't know if I will regret my decisions but I do know that I'm glad I stumbled upon this post, so many examples of loving people owning their truths, living their best life, with or without kids. I have a bad day here & there where I wonder if we made the right decision but the other 360+ days I really enjoy cuddling with my puppies on a quiet evening with a glass of wine planning our next adventure. Thank you for posting & sharing.

Thank you for this. I'm 34 and have been married 11 years, but neither of us want children. At first, I was bombarded with people telling me I would "change my mind", but here I am, and I find myself in my mid-30's with still absolutely no desire to have kids. It's not that I don't like them, but nothing about having children seems appealing to me. I don't think it ever will.
The one thing that does weigh on my mind is what I'm going to do when I'm older. What happens when I'm elderly and in need of care? I know it's so many years away, but still it weighs on my mind. My husband and I are both only children so there aren't any nieces and nephews around. My biggest fear is that I will die first and leave my husband alone, a very good chance because of the incredible longevity in his family. What are others doing to plan for this scenario?

What an amazing article and comments. It is a big decision with big consequences either way yet can be both full of joy or a big void for some I suppose. Consequences; the road less considered.

I knew by age 10 I did not want to be a mother. I don’t know why. I was very girly, played with dolls, and had pre-teen crushes on neighborhood boys. As I was approaching adulthood, my mother was convinced that when I meet the love of my life, I will automatically want children. Nope. Married at age 28 and still no desire. Several years later my father chastised me for not having kids because it was my God-given duty to do so. What? Did you not see/hear about the women’s revolution in the 1970’s? Today, I will be 59 soon. I have two failed marriages and happily single. I am not close to my siblings/nieces/nephews because at age 18, I moved 3,000 miles away (call it an escape from a large dysfunctional family) and I never looked back. My one very close friend who has been more of a sister to me than my own, has terminal cancer and will most likely not see 2019. So, I am expecting to age solo, very quietly, which is my nature, and die one day hopefully happy and content. When people ask me if I regret not having kids, which happens quite often, I never have to think about my answer. I just smile and say, “ no, no regrets.” When I was in my 40’s, women used to ask me how many children I had. When I said none, the usual response was, “oh, I’m so sorry” as if there was something wrong with me. Don’t be sorry; I am childless by choice.

These comments are all really great. I’m 46 and have been divorced since I was 32. I’m smart and attractive and most people think am in my early 30’s. I always wanted children but never met anyone that I wanted to settle down with. I never dound anyone that I had that special chemistry with. But now at 46 I don’t know where the time has gone. I still pray that I will meet someone and have kids. I mourn the loss of not having kids as that is the only thing I ever wanted. I know I can adopt but I really wanted my own biological children. All my siblings have children. I raised those children while my siblings and their spouses worked. I’m ten years younger than my brothers. But although I raised all 8 kids as my own not one of them can even buy me a birthday card. One set of nieces and nephews live across the street. If I’m luckyI get a text on my bday. I’ve met lots of guys but the ones I like are never wanting to settle down. I’m lonely and childless and hate that this is my life.

I find this article and the comments especially from women amusing. After 80 million abortions , 2 nd wave feminism , women still will not admit they are in total rebellion against a natural God given gift of marriage and children. Kudos to Paul and AS for calling them out. It is flat out evil.

It's been edifying reading all these stories and seeing the different ways people choose to view their lives. These are stories we choose to tell ourselves about who we are and what our life has been.

What I haven't seen in any of them is the choice to bond and join ranks with others in the same circumstances. I am childless, it was not by choice, but I have made my peace with it. As for how we will age and have fulfilling lives filled with love--my goodness even in my small town there are many, many single people without children, couples without children, all my age, and we have a community of friendship. And I have also many friends who have children and grandchildren, living parents and siblings, and the fact that they have family and I only have my significantly older husband does not keep us from being friends.

The most important thing you can do is love and be kind to yourself and to others. If you always wanted children, you can still have children in your life. I turned my love for children into volunteer work for youth at risk, into becoming a mentor, into helping to raise friends' children--I even get Mother's Day wishes from one of them every year. He is now 30 and it has been a joy to be a part of his growing up, ever since he was five. He is no blood relation to me at all. He was a child friend who is now a young adult friend. There are organizations like Foster Grandparents, Big Brothers and Sisters, CASA, and more where you can find fulfilling relationships with children and youth--and make a difference in their lives.

There are so many children in this world who need the love, care, and the guidance of an interested unrelated adult friend. Give of yourself to these children. I feel the world's children are also mine. They belong to all of us.

The practical realities of growing older without family is really a different issue, because having children doesn't guarantee you a safety net or companionship anyway, nor should it, in my view. If I did have children I wouldn't want to burden them with caring for me.

I am guessing my husband and I will go see an elder law attorney and follow their recommendations for how to best provide for ourselves when we are elderly. Many of my single women friends have banded together to provide for each other what a spouse or child might have provided in terms of health directives and being each other's trustees and executors.

Find other people your age who share your circumstances and band together with them to create the support you will need.