Sage advice for everyone who hasn't made plans for their future.

The future has a way of sneaking up behind us like a cat in the night.

I keep a close watch on the kind of living that seniors my age and up choose. So far, not one configuration attracts me, except the Villages concept.

Or perhaps what Ronni described: an apartment building where everyone looks out for each other. I could see that working.

Nevertheless, we should all choose and delegate a trusted advocate for when our lights start to flicker.

I saw this coming years ago, as I'm the last of my line as was my husband. Now, I may not be efficient in all things but in this, oh yes!

First, I have maintained friendships with people of different ages, then after careful consideration and of course consultation with two of them, appointed them to act if/when I cannot. They know what I want and should not have to do much guesswork. I have also made provisions for them in my will. All documents are completely in order and I assess them every five years or so to make sure they remain in that condition.

It simply is not worth the worry-time.

"Just do it!"

Not that it makes me feel any better, but now at least I know there is a name for people like us.
I too am an "Elder Orphan". However, I am not alone. In fact, for just that reason, I elected to live in an assisted living facility. Upon entering this facility I had to fill out a form listing all of my contacts, should something happen to me. Also on that list is the name and number of the Funeral Director where I have made my pre-arrangements. I urge anyone who has not already done this, to speak to somebody soon. Most folks our age have had some dealings with funeral directors over the years and these people can answer all of your questions. It'll be just one less thing to worry about.

please someone tell me what is a household handbook. all the other items are familiar and ready. Household Handbook? Anyone?

Yes you can still be an orphan and have family. I have no children, but a stepson and his wife, but they live far away and I don't really know them that well. My husband and I were never that close to them. I have a brother who is 8 yrs older and currently he has my POA and healthcare proxy, but we are at some odds now. The absolute main thing I worry about is the hospitals not honoring my desire for no life saving procedures. I need an DNR too right in the house, I guess. I have a friend coming to live with me and we both agree if either one of us finds the other passed out on the floor to just leave it be...let nature take its course...then call the authorities. I fear being in a nursing home for years being kept alive on machines. I so wish we could legally end it when we felt the time was right. We should have that choice. I have a will, so it not concerned about the money.

Just a tip here about the "paperwork." An attorney advised us NOT to keep these documents in a safe deposit box. You need to have your advocate keep end of life stuff with them, in a (preferably) locked file cabinet in his or her home.

If one of us has a health emergency on a Sunday or in the middle of the night, the advocate will need immediate access to the paperwork.

If I was all by myself, I think I'd try to file a do not rescusitate order at the doctor's office and with the local hospital. I have heard of this, but have no experience with the procedure.

For Stephanie & others interested: The Household Handbook may contain location & ID #s for banks, investments, insurance policies, licenses, subscriptions, credit cards; memberships; mortgage/property;contact info for doctors, attorneys, brokers; military records; organ donation info;birth/marriage/death certificates;cemetery plots;tax filings; wills,powers of attorney, health proxies and much more. Passwords for the above should be kept in a secure on-line password program. It's invaluable to have all these things documented in one place, especially if you live with someone who may die or become incapacitated and you don't know how the household is run or where things are kept. I designed a form to contain all this information for our home and keep a copy of it in the firesafe.

I don't qualify as an elder orphan, but I'll input what my husband and I have done.

I have posted my "Health Care Directive" and "Authorization" (for three people to be given financial/health information on my behalf) on the bulletin board in my den. The business cards of all of my health care professionals are posted below those sheets. A copy of my Health Care Directive is at my primary physicians office in my file.

My husband has both of our powers of attorneys and health care directives in an envelope tucked into the mirror on his dresser. Family members know where those documents are, with the originals in our safe deposit box.

This is such an important post and well-researched as always.

I'm fortunate to have an adult daughter, but she lives about 3,000 miles away. So I don't see her often.

I'm also fortunate to have my husband The Engineer. We've been married for 2 1/2 years now after what he calls our "whirlwind courtship" of 6 years.

One of our concerns is that if I become disabled or die suddenly, he won't know the procedures for doing the things I do routinely. Such as paying the 3 utility bills which is not as simple as it should be.

And since he's my IT guy, I worry about how I'll handle any computer questions or problems.

I also keep what I call The House Book. It has information on repairs or replacements of items--such as furnaces, including date, cost, and company which did the work. It often comes in handy.

Just reading today's post made my heart race.

We DO have wills, POA, MPOA, living wills, etc., but they need updating. We do not have a Household Handbook which I need to do immediately. Even though I have two step-daughters, a niece, and two sisters, none of them know where my passwords are, what bills need to be paid, where the above mentioned documents are, etc.

I know I (we) need to get these things done, but I am such a procrastinator. If I am not careful, I will procrastinate myself into an dire situation.

I spent a good share of last year formalizing all of my documents with a wonderful attorney. I fortunately live in WA state, which is reassuring if confronted with a terminal illness. The major share of my attorney's time was spent researching all the possible scenarios that could occur when I die or become permanently disabled -- my focus was safeguarding my beloved cats to ensure public authorities and/or animal control do not become involved in any way re my cats. A trusted animal professional has been appointed/provided with all possible legal authorizations/protection and financial resources to professionally care for/find trusted loving homes for my cats, with no time constraints.
Having witnessed what can happen with a sudden death (we found my dear neighbor dead in bed 4 days after her death, her cats were traumatized, no food/no water) I had to step in to prevent the authorities from calling animal control to take her beloved cats. If animal control took them they never would have survived, since the adoption rate for senior cats is abysmal.

My pertinent documents are posted on my refrigerator -- where EMS would first look -- the special cat care agreement/authorization, my medical power of attorney (a dear friend who lives in my condo building) and a very detailed explicit health directive. My cardiologist and intern both have copies of my health directives. Additionally I have already informed my doctors of my wishes should I develop a terminal illness -- I intend to pursue the provisions of WA's Death with Dignity Act.

When I celebrated my 71st birthday last year I knew I needed to finalize my documents once and for all, though I had initial documents drawn several years before (they had not included fool proof care provisions for my animals).

Yes it was not inexpensive; but the peace of mind knowing I have all possible provisions covered is priceless.

This is a terrific post, Ronni. Thank you. And thank you also for not having all your ducks in a row quite yet. That gives the rest of us laggards permission to not feel guilty if we also don't have everything covered (which I don't). I do have a will, terribly out of date but still valid. And I have a list on the fridge of how to care for all my pets should I suddenly become incapacitated. I've joined the fight for "Dying With Dignity" rights in Canada and have discussed in detail with my kids what I do and don't want to happen should I suddenly become deathly ill. But that's about it. I'll get on the rest of it now that you've inspired me to do so.

I don't want to appear to be giving legal advice, but IF I were to give such advice, it would be this: you don't need to buy the extremely expensive and dubious services of a lawyer. The Internet has everything the savvy person needs to do it herself---just be sure to use materials intended for your State.

In my family, there are four lawyers and I want to be clear there is nothing personal when I say I hate lawyers (and have a huge collection of lawyer jokes to back it up). The fact that I think they are blood-sucking money grabbers in no way reflects on my family.

That said, I spent an enormous fee to have a lawyer, recommended by my bank, draw up a revocable trust, POA, pour-over will & other documents for me. What I got was more than 100 pages of boilerplate, not more than ten pages of which applied to my personal situation and even those ten pages not quite what I wanted. When it came time recently to amend these documents to change my attorney-in-fact and certain legacies, I decided to do it myself.

Being fairly smart and somewhat computer literate, I knew I could do it. The process was exacting and exhausting, but not because I wasn't up to it. Most of the toughest tasks were because my attorney had given me such a garbled, complicated mess that going through all the "fine" print almost gave me a brain tumor. I left in a lot of crap that I decided was harmless, if useless, and only amended what was absolutely necessary. But just reading that s**t to make sure I found all the things that needed to be amended was mind-blowingly difficult.

When I finished (Trust, will, DPOA, Advance Directive, PERS POA, etc) and got it to my bank for notarizing, I felt GREAT! I now had documents that pertained to me personally and all that without having to see that a-hole again. A caveat---this is about what worked for me, not legal advice.

Stop reading these comments and DO THIS NOW. My parents made sure we knew where "everything" was - which folder in which drawer. All the kids knew who had which responsibility. We had "the talk" about DNR.

As they aged, died, became demented and lived... we all knew where to go and what to do.

My 30-something children quake when we talk to them about these issues, but "been there, done that" makes me persist.

Your friends/relatives/loved ones will thank you for taking the time to get this done. I was so proud of my parents for sparing me additional heartache.
a/b

Luckily I am not an elder orphan. And I have all my papers in order and copies of them in my doctor's file. This is for the person who thinks 'maybe' it is a good idea to just stop eating and drinking--PLEASE don't. It is almost impossible--remember when you wanted to take off 5 pounds? All these things sound plausible when reading about them--they aren't! Get your papers in order and let life take its own course. We all want to die peacefully in our sleep and may those wishes be granted but if not, we have very little to say about it.
Just make sure your end-of-life papers are in order. NO Pain and the quicker the better! Good luck to all!

Good advice for folks like me. I have friends and some family but as I get older, who knows which ones will be around to help. Right now, I count on my sisters but since I'm the youngest, I can't rely on them either.

I'm a female elder orphan with a terminal illness. My days are filled just sleeping and watching television. Eight years ago I had breast cancer which was put in remission. Two years ago I was diagnosed with multiple my lemons. I have heart disease, diabetes and the foot problems that come with diabetes. Basically my entire body is a real mess. I pray to God that he will take me so that I don't have to suffer any longer. I don't want to live like this, but on the other hand I would like to be around to assist my grand daughter and my three great grand children. My grand daughter who lives in another state is having a very difficult time. I guess this is the reason God keep me here for her. I have gotten to the point where it is almost impossible to manage daily hygiene. I have always been a very clean person but at this point I'm unable to manage anything but just laying around. I retired from my job due to MM two years a going after being on the job for 40 years. I did have a health aide come in for a short time which was paid for by my insurance. Because I'm so down, getting ready the days the aid came by got to be a chore. So at this time I'm paying for this decision. I went through chemo for my MM and the doctors wanted me to try the stem cell which only reduces the cancer cells. After the stem cell a person is on revilmid for the rest of their lives. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wish orphaned seniors could be treated better. As a matter of fact I wish seniors could be treated with respect. I have one some who will shop for me; he is so stretched in his personal life that I do worry that he is taking on assisting me. I have a daughter who lives ten minutes away and don't even call. As a matter of fact she is not concerned with her daughter and grandchildren. I had another son who died fours years ago who had Down Syndrome. He was such a fighter with everything this life death him. It's hard when you are a senior and no one to communicate with on your level. The so called agency's that are to help seniors are just referral systems. The 211 number is also the same. I wish I had prepared to be a senior. I have no brothers or sisters since I am an only child. Thank you for letting me share.