Very timely post. I agree that the picture painted is overly grim and I certainly don't associate being single and living alone with being isolated and vulnerable. I'm 68, single, live alone, no children, an older sister who lives overseas. I have friends, I work full time and feel connected to various social groups, so in general I don't feel isolated but...I've got an upcoming hip replacement surgery that is bringing me face to face w the harder aspects of being single and childless. I can call on friends, for sure, but they all have complicated lives and there are clearly limits to what I can ask of them--unlike a close family member (assuming good relationships with family). And so, I am newly concerned about what will happen as I get older and encounter more health problems.

Husband 81. I'm 77. Adult Children alienated. Having children doesn't necessarily matter, as you've indicated. Last of both sides of family. Living independently in downsized one story home. Definitely wanting to plan for care if incapacitated & someone trustworthy to handle final estate. Hmmm. Sounds as if there might be an opportunity for a new business concept. If only I were younger!

Once again, Ronni, an excellent reflection on an issue that our ageist society mis-defines. I was invited by one member from Parks and Recreation to do a presentation during their state conference. I called the head organizer to tell her what I would present. Her response was that P&R focussed on many different populations, they had enough speakers for the aging population question and anyway, what I was suggesting might do better for a conference with newbies, that most of the staff attending the conference were veteran staffers of P&R. Most people do not get that we are all in this together. We are all going to age unless disease or accident gets us first. And yet, as a society, we have done a very good job, by over focussing on youth, in turning a blind eye to this fact. But I know, from personal experience, that one can have an idea about something (as Dr. Carney does) at one point in one's life and experience that reality very differently at another stage of one's life.
It is true that there are many elders who get pushed aside, whether in a family situation, in an "old people's home" or by virtue of being able to do less and doing it more slowly. That is a problem in our society and one that does need to be dealt with. But, as you point out, developing our own communities and, even, by golly, through the internet keeping tabs with what is going on in the world are all means by which to remain active.
Anyway, this is a topic near and dear to my heart and I could go on and on (maybe I will write a book contradicting the findings of Dr. Carney! (-: )

My husband died when I was 59 and I lived alone for 30 years with no family nearby; in essence I was like an elder orphan. Then circumstances last year made it necessary for my daughter to live with me so I am no longer an elder orphan.

Having known all of the concerns of being an elder orphan, and no longer having those concerns, I have experienced both sides of this subject. Frankly, other than having someone to advocate for me , life is not much different. I still make my own decisions and do what housework that I am able to do. I do not feel any different and my lifestyle has not changed.

Sure, It's comforting to have someone to rely on when trouble occurs so those looking ahead to that time might cultivate a best friend or an organization to fill that gap.

Lack of an advocate is a big disadvantage of being an elder orphan and can usually be resolved with the assistance of elder services. Most cities have some organization that provides an advocate should you become ill or incapacitated. In Tucson it is PCOA (Pima Council on Aging). Social services might provide the service if there is not a private group to do so.

Knowing that most elders experience an accident or a severe illness as the years accumulate, it's best to research help available while you are able. It's too late after disaster strikes.

My way of dealing with this situation is to cultivate and keep friendships with people of all ages.

With no near relatives, I have, with their permission, designated one middle-aged but long-time friend as my advocate and a second as an alternate.

I think it is important to put this kind of thing in writing, and have legal stuff in hand to avoid any problems if/when problems occur.

I am 61, single and have no children. My closest relative is a brother 3 miles away. I don't like the term elder orphan but I would fit that category when the time comes when I am no longer independent. I am planning for the time I may need assistance with ADL. I would like to think I could live with other people who are compatible in a setting where we all look out for each other. Not a group home or assisted living but somewhere where we are still a part of the larger community doing our shopping, running errands, walking in the park, attending concerts, plays and book clubs and so on. This would be ideal. And, I think these kinds of networks or communities are already happening.

There is a danger with "elder orphans" that I have observed. I've seen predators move in on a couple of my neighbors who could not cope on their own. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about this, because these people are adults. You can't tell these creeps to go away. The care these elders need isn't something neighbors can or are going to give, since they have lives and problems of their own, so truly evil people may entrap them.
One of the male "orphans" here married a much younger woman and she inherited his house and next door rental when he died. She took good care of him, I supposed, although she was very wary and unfriendly and we really had no way of finding out what was going on. Obviously, this kind of arrangement seldom works for women, who are unlikely to find younger men to take care of them in their old age.
An "orphan" friend of mine has fared better, because he found a trusted person that he was able to designate as his heir, and he has a good caregiver. He was the most worried and pessimistic of this lot, and he did well to plan ahead.
I would not be optimistic if I were an elder "orphan." I would do everything I could to prepare.
I should add. I think, so as not to be misunderstood, that women like you, Ronni, who have been independent, have earned their own way in life and continue to provide for themselves in old age fill me with awe! Kudos to you for being the trendsetter you are!

Great post! Looking forward to the rest. I'm widowed with no children and one older relative far away, so I'm essentially alone. I have stepsons where everything will go, but im inclined to want to give some to a foundation I believe in. My biggest fear, as I'm not in a "right to die" state, is being stuck mindless in a facility with tubes and ventilators. I have a health care directive and a living will filed with my Dr., at home and in my car. My second problem is who to name as my durable POA, as I know no one whom I want nor who is willing. Does this mean my lawyer has to do it? I would love a community where we elders all live close with common areas for socializing and a system to check on and support each other. But I can't afford the expensive AL places.