For all the terrible things we've heard about the U. S. medical system, it does some wonderful things. But it sure helps that you have a positive, fighting spirit. Your one comment struck me in particular, one that we should all pay attention to, whether we're sick or healthy: "I found out how much more deeply I care about being alive than I'd ever thought about before."

I was always sick, bad lungs (asthma, etc.). I was bedridden until 10 and never took any PE.
My vacation was boot camp in the AF. I was rejected for service during Nam, but my records burned up in the federal archives fire of the '70's. I somehow managed to get accepted
during the eighties. During boot I could not get sick (a one way ticket home). I had no other job offers. It was do it or else. I could not get gout again. I made it. I did over six weeks with no medication! I impressed myself although I could not chortle about it. No pills or inhaler.
I served in three branches and a total of 21 years. Hard to believe. For once in my life I was
not beholden to the pills and inhaler. It felt good, that short respite. Now that I am older,
the pills and inhaler are always here. I'll never how great it felt to be "normal" and just another body again.

Wow, this is a tough one. Sometimes it seems as if we all believe we will not die until handed a diagnosis. Then reality changes and life becomes that of patient. I am not there yet but went through the process with my husband who had ALS. There were days we just wished we could walk on the beach and then go for breakfast but that day did not come.
As a nurse I have seen the weariness that having to deal with the medical system as a major part of your life brings to people and for some the cost benefit analysis becomes too great.
I’m glad you said you are not at that place because you still have so much to share. I wish I had an answer for how to capture that carefree moment when the illness is not the elephant in the room that follows you everywhere.
I hope others have some good ideas for you. I can only say I am so glad you are still with us.

Most old people with chronic health problems, potentially terminal or not, derive a lot of benefit from spending time with others such as their grandchildren. The closer they are to these others, the better they are able to minimize fixating on their own problems. The relief from inner-directed thoughts about one's own plight that is obtained from focusing concern on another person can be amazing, i.e. better than an anti-depressant or other drug.

If your energy level permitted, maybe you could find a young person or persons to mentor and then become involved in their lives thus focusing your attention away from yourself and toward them. I know you think this blog and its commenters function similarly, but I have not found that virtual relationships are satisfactory substitutes for IRL ones. Not even close.

On another subject, I've wondered what the cause was for your COPD. Was it a side effect of the chemo or other therapy for the cancer, or the cancer itself, or unrelated to the cancer and its treatment?

Oh, I so get what you are saying, Ronni! I wish I had an answer, for you and all others who are in a similar, or even remotely similar situation. An in-home retreat............now, this is fantasy..........an angel comes to your home, does all the cooking, pill counting, ALL housework and shopping, gives you divine daily massages, meditates with you, prepares a warm bath in which to give you a good but ever so gentle scrubbing, and plays divine cello music before you sleep. Anything missing? Just ask. If I were younger, I would start doing this! I would love it!
The only link to reality that I see here, is there are amazing massage therapists who will come to your home. Word of mouth being the best way of finding one.
Do you have anyone who would come to your house for whatever style of meditation the two of you would enjoy? This too, a spirit lifter. A poetry reading group? Please excuse my suggestions if they are pointless or worse, obnoxious to you. Keep asking though, as the universe, the divine mind, has a weird, and often convoluted way of responding. And no, no, you are not asking too much, ask away! (this will be way too crazy for many, but some of us readers could up the ante by asking that what Ronni needs be given. Just saying.)

Salinda has a very good suggestion and I just did it. I am asking the Universe that whatever Ronni needs to be given to her.
Ronni, you are such an unselfish inspiration that you deserve the best from the world.

You've stated, with eloquence, an entirely reasonable and soulful request. And it sounds like life offers enough worthwhile moments to keep you here, though it's sheer hard work.

I have seen various strategies for the 'vacation' or respite you long for. IMO this is the time to do things you might have though too impractical or indulgent, from a nice outfit to paying for a friend's plane ticket so you can see one another. You can't control some of the physical symptoms, but within those days when you feel pretty good, I hope you can choose to do some pleasing things. Also, I hope permit yourself to make requests of others, things they can do for you. "Bring some other women and play Texas Hold 'Em with me", my dear friend asked.

Depression is a very common, and it is super hard to muster the energy to employ distractions or respite-granting activities when one is depressed. Should you feel that, it is as important to address as any other aspect of your care.

I do not offer advice, but just to share several things I've recently found helpful in dealing with a multitude of chronic (not likely to ever "get over them") conditions. The first came as a result of reading John O'Donahue...I separated each condition and regarded the possibility of its being a friend, and gave it a name. This took several days! Then I returned to meditation...seriously being patient with myself until I could imagine other places besides the one where my body was sitting. So far it's helping.

I don't know if this is any consolation to you. You have, through your blog and sharing, contributed to the lives of others by writing of your experiences. Some may have benefited greatly from this, perhaps more than you know. Without the cancer and COPD, you would not have had that opportunity to help others.

I remember some time ago you were pondering a psychedelic trip... there's a reason we call it a trip... it can be a bit of a vacation, a moment in time when we are simply there without anticipatory pressures. I'm offering this not as avice but as a reminder. Perhaps you have someone nearby to discuss it with.

All of us receive a death sentence the moment we are born. Obviously that should not make light of terminal illnesses or the fortunes of war, things that may hasten our death. But surely as we age—especially those of us who have reached the age of 80, which means the inevitability of death is upon us—surely we can accept death and move on with whatever life we still have even if it means we must alter the day to day activities that we once took for granted. As one of our circle used to say, it is what it is.

Cancer is probably the star of this birth to death roadshow, but many of us have conditions that are fully as life-threatening such as heart disease or kidney impairment. Most of us have conditions such as arthritis or neuropathy that, while they don’t portend imminent death, vastly impair our ability to live life as we once did. But even if we can’t get the old life back, we can enjoy many aspects of the altered life we now have.

If we have to slow everything down, so be it. Most of us are by now caught up in an unalterable routine of counting out or taking medications. If we can no longer travel or hike or climb, even the stairs of our own homes, even if we will never again have those moments or days when we don’t have to think about aging and death—none of this prevents us from being who we are now and having the life we now have.

I wish you well in finding periods of time offering the respite you desire. Getting our minds outside ourselves for any length of “respite” time requires distractions I think. Probably different ones work at different times and likely vary for every person. There are times when becoming absorbed in another person serves that function for me. Other times getting lost in favored music, reading a book, other favored interests can release me from myself and daily life’s realities for a period of time. Spending time outdoors absorbing nature’s sights and sounds can provide an escape of special value uniquely spiritual for me.

So much heartfelt wisdom being shared here, i am deeply grateful to each and every person who posted. And inspired by you, Ronni, for sharing your precious time and energy with us on this blog.

Finding respite from something that is consuming so much of your life is perfectly reasonable and emotionally healthy. And maybe respite is unique to each of us.

What has fed your soul and made you feel most alive in the past? Is there something of that that you can bring into your life now? Perhaps in a less physically demanding way?

We can all provide a listening ear and empathy, send our love and wishes that we could wave a magic wand and change your life back to times when you were more content, if only for a while, but probably none of us -- possibly no one -- can give you what you so long for.

I think the most likely thing may be to consider doing what a couple of others have suggested, escape reality with another psychedelic weekend, or just escape today's reality with a short trip. Can you take a long weekend and just go somewhere and experience life from a different perspective for a few days? Perhaps a few days in a nearby b&b or monastery mini-vacation site? There are some wonderful places I've read about recently in Washington, on islands where lavender is grown and retreats have been created around that. One particularly lovely sounding one was called OrcaSong Farm. I would love to go there myself, but I don't think that's in the stars. But it's not so far for you, and you have only yourself to care for now, so it could be doable. Perhaps you could check it out.

Roni- Prayers for your emotional stamina and for your radiant health. In this month's Sun magazine (Issue 531 March 2020), there is an article by Louise A. Blum ("How it Ends") Page 24 about the process a woman went through as she died of breast cancer. I learned from it. Thought of you and that you might get something out of it.
Thanks so much for the life you live every day. You are a precious being.